


A New Reality

by RedBlueRoses



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, unnecessary drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-08-14 08:25:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 72,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16489121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedBlueRoses/pseuds/RedBlueRoses
Summary: Getting Lily out of STEM was one part of the story.Getting her back to an ordinary life was a completely different one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The story is set at the ending of "The Evil Within 2", and I’m just imagining what happens after the games that came out so far (2018). Of course, it is about Sebastian and Joseph becoming a couple, and there will be smut, but very very late in the story. I will write it so that people who don’t like smut don’t have to read it.
> 
> There will be lots of unnecessary drama, mention of alcoholism and mention of suicidal thoughts, for those who need to be warned about this.
> 
> And those of you who already know my other JoSeb story "Seeing You" may recognize a few lines and scenes, because yes, I am recycling some text and ideas.
> 
> I’m not a native English speaker, and I only now the German version of the games, so I might get some words or terms wrong, but I hope you’ll still enjoy the story. I also might adjust older chapters or passages if I feel the need to.
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

Getting Lily out of STEM was one part of the story.

Getting her back to an ordinary life was a completely different one.

The first thing Sebastian and Juli did after they fled the Mobius facilities, was bringing the little girl to the hospital.

Juli was driving the three of them in her car – at high speed and ignoring several traffic lights – to Krimson Main, since Sebastian wouldn’t let go of his daughter. Clinging onto her father, Lily was sitting on his lap, sometimes awake, sometimes sleeping.

“It’s alright, darling, I got you, I finally got you, daddy is here - “ Sebastian was holding Lily’s head to his shoulder, murmuring the same over and over again incessantly into the small ear.

The drive took about 15 minutes; when they arrived at the emergency ward, they were halted at the registration of the entrance hall by a stout nurse who just pushed a slate with some papers over the counter.

“I don’t have time to fill out these forms, my daughter needs a doctor, don’t you see?!” Sebastian boomed at the woman, Lily still on his arm. He trembled from the exhaustion of the last hours.

“Sir, there are other people here who are worse than your child, they need a doctor far more,” was the cool and trained answer, “so you’ll have to wait until we have time for her.”

“You - “

“Sir, please keep your hands at _your_ side of the counter or - “

Juli grabbed Sebastian’s wrist firmly just in time and made him look at her. “Let’s sit down and I’ll handle the forms,” she cautioned him.

They walked over to the overcrowded waiting area. Sebastian placed Lily back on his lap again when they all sat down on a hard bench. Juli began scribbling on the form.

“Are you okay, honey?” Sebastian inquired.

“I’m thirsty,” Lily replied weakly, “and hungry.”

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry,” Juli shot up, throwing the hospital papers on her seat, “I should have thought of that first!”

Two vending machines stood at a nearby wall, so Juli hurried to get a water bottle and a chocolate bar. After letting them all drink, she unpacked the candy and handed it to Lily.

Sebastian wondered if this chocolate was the first thing his daughter would eat after – how long? “When was the last time you ate something?” he wanted to know.

Lily nibbled at the bar. “I can’t remember.”

Exhaling tiredly, Sebastian kissed her temple.

“After you both had proper treatment,” Juli said, “I’ll get us something proper to eat.” She took her cell phone out of her jacket and dialed a number.  
\---  
The waiting was horrible; the time dragged on and on, and minutes felt like hours to Sebastian inbetween all the noises, the many people, different smells and his own worries about Lily... His body was so tense that he was literally sitting on needles due to the uncomfortable seat, and he helped Juli completing the form by answering her questions almost like an automaton before she returned it to the registration.

Every now and then, Juli would glance to Sebastian. She noticed his jaw muscles working, and how he impatiently moved his head either to the nurse at the registration, or down to Lily to see how she’s doing, or to the double-winged blue door at the end of the hall when it opened, hope in his face that it was their turn. He went twice to talk to the nurse again, without avail; Juli heard the woman telling Sebastian loudly enough that she would get the hospital security if he wouldn’t sit down.

In the end, sleep came over Lily and they had waited about two hours when they finally were called in.

“Castellanos?” a doctor shouted.

Sebastian and Juli jumped up from their bench, practically running to the young man. “Yes, here! Can my child please get some treatment NOW?!”

The doctor looked tired, just like most of the staff here at the emergency room. “Calm down, Mr. Castellanos, and just follow me...” he said in a bored way.

Still holding onto Lily as much as he could, Sebastian and Juli were taken to a big room behind the blue door. Beds were lined up at each wall, separated by those typical hospital dividers.

It wasn’t much better than the waiting area though: the thin fabric veils didn’t gave much privacy, and so it was possible to hear people moaning and crying. The young doctor showed them to a fresh bed almost at the end of the room. Sebastian carefully put Lily down on it and tried to shut out their annoying surroundings.

The doctor routinely checked the girl’s pulse with his stethoscope and lifted one of her lids to shine into the eye with his small torch light.

Lily woke up from that. “Daddy!!”

“Shh, shh, sweetie,” Sebastian petted her head and hair, “it’s alright, it’s alright, the doctor is here to help you - “

She calmed down a bit at the sight of her father, but Lily still cried a bit due to the suddenness of it all, the strange place, the noise and the smells.

“I’m almost done,” the doctor said, smiling to her to console her. “Are you hurting somewhere?”

“No, but I want to sleep - “ the girl whined.

“Well, then I’m finished here,” was the young man’s reaction.

“What, that’s all?!” Sebastian growled.

The doctor wrote something down on the slate with the form they had filled out earlier. “Of course not. She has no apparent injuries, she’s breathing normally, and her heartbeat’s steady,” he determined in a monotone voice, “but she’s malnourished, so we’ll keep her here to make some more tests, but I’m sure she’ll be okay.” He stopped writing and skeptically eyed Sebastian from head to toe. “Don’t you think you should also be examined? You look more than exhausted.”  
\---  
Leaning back in a chair next to the hospital bed in which his daughter was lying, Sebastian observed Lily getting some sleep, tucked under a warm blanket. Fortunately, another doctor, who knew the detective from one or two earlier investigations, had discovered Sebastian and Juli in the emergency ward, and firstly took care of him after also finding that he didn’t look very well. After the procedure, she had organized a small and quiet two-bed room for him and Lily.

“You never told me that you have a daughter,” she had remarked.

Sebastian had wanted the girl to be in the bed at the window, so that she could see outside when waking up, even if it was already dark; who knew how often she had seen the blue sky or the night stars the past few years...

The second bed was for Sebastian, but he had decided that it would stay empty as long as Lily was here. Once in a while, he bent towards her when she scrunched up her face; it was very likely that she had a nightmare. Sebastian then would stroke her cheek or hair to reassure that she wasn’t alone.

They had given Lily some chicken soup and an apple due to her malnourishment before she had gone to sleep, but the hospital hadn’t provided anything for Sebastian, so Juli had left the two to get something for them to eat, just as she had said earlier.

Slowly, Lily drifted into a peaceful slumber, so it appeared as if the nightmare had ceased; she was lying on her back now, breathing calmly. The sight made Sebastian put his hand on her small chest to feel her heartbeat; a strange gesture, even in his own mind, but somehow Sebastian couldn’t help it.

“Welcome to _ordinary_ madness, sweetheart,” he whispered with an amused huff.

Finally, he had a moment to breath. Although it was only some hours ago, everything from STEM had happened in a blur in Sebastian’s inner vision, everything since he had found Lily had happened so fast. He was so overwhelmed with exhaustion and relief at the same time that he got up, bowed down and placed his head carefully to where his hand had been, and listened to his daughter’s heartbeat. Without any intention, a few tears trickled down Sebastian’s face; he closed his eyes, and he had to keep it all together so that he would not start to sob; he didn’t want to wake Lily.

He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that his little girl was still alive, and further that he had her back again.

_What if this isn’t the ordinary, real world? What if this is still STEM?_

Hearing the small rumbling underneath his ear for some long moments, in the end it was proof enough for Sebastian that his daughter was as real as himself.

“Thank you, Myra, thank you so much - “ he mumbled.

Though it also meant that Myra was very likely gone because of her sacrifice… Sebastian was sure that she was dead, but what if she was still out there, unconscious, waiting to be rescued? He should get outside and search for her!

Who would take care of Lily then - ?

_Joseph._

Sebastian opened his eyes again. He really hoped that Juli said the truth and that he wasn’t dead, for Lily’s sake, since he would still be her godfather, if alive, and it was already enough that her mother wasn’t there anymore.

But Sebastian had another reason to hope Joseph wasn’t gone. A very personal reason.

God, how much he had missed Joseph…

He had realized something about himself and his detective partner that had been the final straw to flush himself down the whiskey drain for the past few years. Sebastian remembered the painful expression on Joseph’s face back in the Beacon STEM; he had almost looked broken after Sebastian had asked him if there was something else than possible interference with work that had forced Joseph to report him to Internal Affairs due to his drinking -

There were still so many things Sebastian had to do, he couldn’t just rest now.

“Daddy?”

Sebastian startled and lifted his head, wiping the tears away.

“Oh…” he said, “How are you, Lily?”

Lily stared at him, questions in her eyes. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m – I’m just happy to be with you again,” he sniffed, “happy and a bit tired.” Sebastian tried to raise one corner of his mouth.

Her gaze wandered around the room, until she asked: “Where is mommy?”

Sebastian took her tiny hand into his own large one, squeezing it lightly. “She didn’t make it out of that – machine,” he sighed, “she’s in heaven now.”

The little girl didn’t reply to that, but answered her father’s squeeze also with a squeeze, and so they both stayed in a comfortable silence for a while. Sebastian was a bit surprised how calmly she took her mother’s death, but then, she was probably just exhausted, or it was the shock. He had experienced a wide range of people’s reactions to the death of a loved one in his investigations to not be too concerned about it.

“Where is uncle Joseph?” she suddenly inquired.

A bit taken aback, Sebastian chuckled slightly – it was sweet of her to think of her godfather already. “I don’t know where he is yet, but I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Will you find him?” Lily’s eyes began to shine.

“Yes, of course, I’ll find him.” He didn’t have a clue how to do this, but Sebastian smiled at her anyway.  
\---  
As quietly as possible, Juli opened the door to Lily’s hospital room; the child was probably asleep, and Sebastian should also relax.

She sneaked into the room and discovered Sebastian sitting in the chair next to Lily’s bed, his head resting on one of his arms on the mattress, the other one holding the little hand; Lily’s eyes were closed, and she breathed evenly. And since she didn’t want to disturb the peace, Juli again closed the door as quietly as possible.

At the wall opposite to the two beds was a large chest of drawers for medical utensils, so Juli put the food she had bought from a nearby deli on it. Despite the packaging, the smell of the warm and delicious sandwiches made it to her nose, and she began to unwrap one of them; her stomach had grumbled often and long enough.

“Myra is dead, right?” she heard Sebastian say.

Juli got so scared that she jumped a bit on her toes and let the sandwich fall. She kept her back to Sebastian, fumbling with the aluminium foil the food was wrapped in. “Yes, she is dead, Sebastian.”

“There is really no way she could have survived this?”

Turning around, Juli leaned against the chest. “No, she didn’t survive that.” She gulped. “I’m sorry, Seb.”

Sebastian looked at Lily, then back to Juli. “But she – she must be somewhere, lying in one of these tubs, waiting for us - ”

“Myra still had that chip in her head,” Juli interrupted him, “like all agents, or otherwise she couldn’t have taken Lily’s place and become the STEM’s core. And without it, she wouldn’t have been able to get rid of all the other Mobius agents; she needed the chip to be connected to them.”

“And it blew her brain up? Just like it did with all the agents who also still had the chip in their heads?”

Juli’s eyes were moistening. “Yes, that’s what happened to her.”

Swallowing hard, Sebastian put his head into his hands; Juli approached him and touched his shoulder.

“Sebastian, Myra wanted to get Lily and you out of STEM at all costs,” she said, “in her own mind, she was already dead.”

“Where is she?” Sebastian choked, trying to get his composure back. “I mean her body?”

The young woman needed a second or two to give a reply. “To be honest, I don’t know.”

In disbelief, Sebastian glared at Juli. “What – you don’t know?!”

“Until the very end, Myra kept everything a secret, even from me, to go through with it,” Juli bit her lower lip, “the only thing I know is that she is in an old, or abandoned Mobius facility.”

“Then how are we going to find her?”

“Well… Before her whole plan took action, she gave me a list of places with these facilities to remember; Myra didn’t want anyone else to be aware of that list or the facilities.” Juli scratched the back of her head. “I memorized more than twenty locations, I didn’t have any idea Mobius had that many places, but somehow, I’m not really surprised.”

Sebastian exhaled audibly through his nose. “You’re sure you remember _all_ of them?”

Standing firm, Juli crossed her arms in defense. “Yes, I do, the locations are in the vicinity of Krimson City and some neighboring towns, it’s just that it will take time.”

They didn’t speak for some minutes after that, both lost in their own thoughts and memories about Myra and her plan.

“What about Joseph?” Sebastian said. “Is he really alive?”

“Yes, he is,” Juli smiled, “Myra made sure of that.”

The older detective turned his head to her with widened eyes. “She did?”

Juli quirked a brow. “Your wife thought of everything. But just like with herself, he’s in one of these facilities, and we have to search for him.”

Suddenly, there was a glimpse of hope and excitement in Sebastian’s face.“Then we have to look for him!” he exclaimed.

And after a pause: “And for Myra.” He looked back at Lily.

“Seb, I know how much you want to find them, but I think you should take care of Lily from now on,” Juli said in a concerned tone.

Sebastian clenched his fists and got up from his chair. “Yeah, but – What if Joseph’s still in danger?! I can’t just sit here, I have to get out and - “

“No, Sebastian,” Juli replied, shaking her head. “It might also be dangerous for yourself! Myra wouldn’t have wanted this, that’s why she gave her life for you and your daughter...”

There was so much truth in that, but still - “Juli, we have to find him – them – As happy as I am about having Lily back, I would never forgive myself if I’d lose Joseph now, too – “

That was odd; Juli hadn’t heard Sebastian ever talk about Joseph in this almost kind manner; though Myra had told her eventually that the younger detective was Lily’s godfather, and that godparent and godchild had been very close – he and Joseph had always worked like the perfect team on cases, but she could only remember how often, perhaps too often, the two men had been arguing before the incident at Beacon Hospital, mostly because of Sebastian’s alcohol problem.

Again, Juli placed her hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, but this time to push him gently back on his previous seat. “Besides that, I have some friends already looking for them. That’s why I made that call earlier in the waiting room.”

“What kind of friends?”

“Other agents of Mobius who also wanted to get out; and yes, I trust them,” she added after noticing Sebastian glaring dubiously at her, “And also a few officers from the department who actually believed your story about Beacon and began their own investigations – but outside their official job, as you might understand.”

Not knowing what else to do or say, Sebastian again took the hand of his daughter into his; everything was working without him and taken care of, and it appeared that his help wasn’t required. Even other police officers were into it, and he asked himself why nobody had talked to him about these secret investigations into Mobius, all this time while he had been boozing his life away – but this confusion of his was a topic for another conversation. It was all too much at once…

And despite all his worries about Myra and Joseph, Sebastian was given the chance to focus entirely on Lily for now.

Thinking of Lily, a new sorrow slowly rose in him.

Sebastian rubbed his free hand over his tired eyes. “I just realized – how am I supposed to take care of Lily? I haven’t paid the rent for some months, my landlord would love to throw me out. And my place is nothing more than a mess…” He held his palm open in a gesture of helplessness. “I have nothing for her. Nothing to provide for her.” Not to mention how he would explain that his dead child was alive again. “Now that I found Lily, I might lose her to child services - “

“Let me handle that,” Juli proposed, “it’s the least I can do for you.”

“What are you going to do? Paying the rent for me?”

“Don’t worry about anything,” she winked at him, “I promise you, everything will be ready when Lily gets out of here. Just give me your keys.” Juli stretched her arm out.

Too exhausted and confused – and maybe also too relieved that a huge task might be taken from his shoulders – to say anything against Juli’s offer, Sebastian searched his trousers, and finally fished his apartment keys out of the pocket.  
\---  
The next day, Juli arrived at Sebastian’s flat after talking to the landlord; in the end, she convinced him that she would pay Sebastian’s debts, but only because she also paid for the next three months in advance. Myra would care about the rest… It was astonishing how this woman was tending to her family, even in her death.

Juli stood in front of the apartment’s entrance, not sure what was expecting her. She had only been here once, with Joseph before the events at Beacon, but she hadn’t been inside; Joseph had gone into the flat while she had waited outside for him and Sebastian, and she remembered how the older detective had yelled at Joseph, though she hadn’t been able to discern what it was. When Sebastian had stepped out of his place, his smell had made it plain that his drinking must had been the cause for their fight, and Juli had felt sorry for Joseph who came out seeming rather stressed.

Taking a deep breath, she finally opened the door.

At first, she almost stumbled over Sebastian’s shoes that were strewn all over the small hall. Annoyed, Juli closed the door, kicked the shoes into a corner and entered the living room.

Once upon time, this must have been a very nice apartment: the living room was quite spacious, and there was a wooden staircase leading to an upper floor.

If it wouldn’t have been for the stale air, the garbage, clothes and bottles all over the place… Sebastian clearly couldn’t maintain a household anymore, no wonder he was worrying about having Lily here. Juli went to the window behind the TV set to let some fresh air in, and then crossed to the kitchen door to see what else was waiting for her.

The kitchen wasn’t any better sight. There were unwashed plates and mugs in the sink, and the trash can and ashtray on the kitchen table were overflowing.

Juli sighed. She unbolted the kitchen window over the sink, rolled up her sleeves up and tried to find some cleaning utensils. A lot of work had to be done...


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t just Juli who had something important to do the next day. Sebastian’s and Lily’s doctor also needed to do talk to the detective.

“Detective Castellanos?” she asked.

Sebastian had been helping Lily getting some sleep in the afternoon, after lunch, so he sat next to her bed again. Or rather, as always.

He had been awake almost the whole night, and finally, the exhaustion took its toll and sent Sebastian into a little nap in his chair. His elbow was on the arm rest, his head lying in his hand, but he woke up as soon as she had called him.

“Yes, doctor?” Sebastian rubbed his eye with his fist.

“Sorry to wake you,” she smiled apologetically, “but you haven’t told me what actually happened to you and your daughter. I didn’t ask yesterday because we know each other.”

Alarmed, Sebastian sat up properly in his chair. “Yeah, thank you, I just forgot because I was so worried about Lily - “

“I’m sure of that, but you, as a police officer, should be aware that I have to ask you this question when a child got harmed...”

“Of course...” Sebastian rubbed his palms on his thighs, but tried to not appear too nervous; if there had been a mistreated child involved in one of his cases, Sebastian would usually be the first to get social services in the picture. There was nothing more that enraged him than a child that got hit or worse, he had always been like that, and even more so when Lily had been born.

Once, their doctor had been called on such a case, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to him to hear this inquiry.

But Sebastian obviously couldn’t tell the doctor about STEM and Mobius, so he put his best lying face on – which wasn’t that difficult, since he just seemed to be concerned about his daughter…

“You see,” he started, “we went hiking into the nearby mountains last weekend, and we got lost. The battery of my phone ran out, and we had to ration our food and everything while trying to find the next sign of civilization. Fortunately, we ran into this former colleague of mine, Miss Kidman you met last night - “

The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Well, that would explain Lily’s malnourishment and dehydration, and your injuries - “ She wasn’t entirely convinced, but the condition of father and daughter fit into the man’s story.

 ---

In the end, the hospital kept them for a few days, mostly because of Lily; she had to undergo a few more tests, which she endured bravely and with Sebastian’s, and sometimes Juli’s, support, but nothing was found, except for the already stated problems. Sebastian was physically okay, although he had a few scratches.

Their doctor paid them a last visit before they checked out. She signaled Sebastian that she wanted to exchange a few words in the corner of their room. “Detective, I only wanted to tell you that you both are fine, considering the circumstances,” she nodded at Lily’s direction; Juli had brought her some new clothes and was now dressing the girl who was sitting on the hospital bed, “but due to the night terrors your daughter had, and you, too, as I sometimes observed, I strongly advice you seek out counsel for your menthal health.”

About to say something, Sebastian opened his mouth; the doctor knew more than she wanted to admit.

But she stopped him -

“If I think of the story you sold me some days ago, you probably don’t want to talk about it right now, but because you don’t seem to me like a person who would do something to his own child, I won’t call child services. Whatever happened to you and Lily, you should consider therapy, mostly for the girl, but also for yourself...”

\---

With a very long note of caution from the doctor, the three of them left Krimson Main.

“Lily, you’re going to your new home,” Juli said cheerfully while she drove them all to Sebastian’s flat.

“New home?” Lily repeated, giving her father a wondering look on her face.

Sebastian and his little girl were sitting in the back seat of the car; he hadn’t been able to leave her alone there and sit in the front, he had to be close to her.

“Yes, I have an apartment,” he replied.

“What happened to our house?”

“It burned down,” Sebastian furrowed his brow, “didn’t mommy tell you?”

“No...”

“Myra probably didn’t say anything to keep her cover up, Sebastian,” Juli intervened.

Slinging his arm around Lily’s shoulder, Sebastian said: “I’ll tell you later, sweetie… “ He would have to explain this to her somehow, but this was not the right moment.

They arrived at the five-storied red-brick building, and Juli hummed while leading Sebastian and Lily to the older detective’s flat; Sebastian was a bit nervous about what his friend had done to his place, but he was sure that it couldn’t be worse than the way he had left it.

Juli let them in with a dramatic gesture: “Welcome to your refurbished home!”

Sebastian was holding Lily’s hand while they stood in the door frame to the living room. He couldn’t believe his eyes: the trash was gone, there were no stains on the carpet anymore, the books on the small bookshelf were lined up properly, the furniture was arranged… It was of course the same place as earlier, only that everything was clean and in order, and it looked as if it was possible to live here again. The last time his flat had been _this_ tidy was when Myra had been living with him here, or -

_No, it was rather when Joseph had cleaned up for me…_

Myra hadn’t been the only one responsible for the household chores back then, Sebastian was capable of taking care of them, but he hadn’t seen much sense in cleaning up since she had disappeared. Why doing that if no one was there to appreciate it - ?

“It looks really nice,” Lily said, rushing to the big couch and hopping on it.

“Careful, Lily, you’re still not entirely well - !“ Sebastian warned.

“That’s why I want to sit here!”

Laughing, Juli plopped next to Lily. “I took the liberty to get some new curtains, a new carpet and coffee table. I tried to find the same model as your old stuff.”

With a sigh, Sebastian sank down on the small sofa at the couch. “Welcome to your new home, sweetie,” he said, leaning forward to hold her head, so that he could kiss her temple. “It was enough that you cleaned up, Juli, you shouldn’t have bought anything new.”

“Then I have to disappoint you, because that’s not all,” Juli pointed mischievously with her thumb behind her, “there’s more to see on the upper floor.”

Sebastian took Lily on his arm, and so they went upstairs. He noticed that even the dark wooden stairs had been polished, and apparently, Juli had also renewed the blue carpet affixed on them.

The upper floor had three rooms, and they first entered the one on the outer left, marked by a pretty, cloud-shaped sign with Lily’s name on the door.

“And this room is for you,” Juli turned to Lily, opening the door.

Originally, it had been some sort of home office for Myra and Sebastian, but now, there was a bed for a child at the right wall, a desk and chair underneath the window and a closet and shelf at the other wall; the bed was ready with white bed linen that had unicorns on it, the shelf was still empty, and the desk had a cute little lamp standing on it.

“I know it’s not much,” Juli explained, “but I kept it simple so that you can still put other things as you need them. There are also some clothes for you in the closet.”

But Lily was more interested on something that she had discovered on her new bed. “A teddy bear!”

Sebastian let her down so that she could run towards it, grab it and hug it.

“What do we say when someone gives us presents?” he reminded her.

“Thank you, aunt Juli! It looks like my old one!”

“You’re welcome,” the addressed one answered. “Old one?” she then asked Sebastian.

He smiled meekly. “Joseph had bought her one, years ago… It burnt down together with her other toys.”

“Ah...”

Despite it being almost as tall as herself, Lily carried the plush toy with her, and Juli continued showing them around, this time Sebastian’s bedroom in the middle of the floor.

It was the biggest room. Not much had changed here: the double-bed here was at the right wall, too, standing so that one could enter it from its two sides, and a bed table on each side; the huge closet was opposite to it, leaving some space to reach the window. The room was tidier then before, and the bed had received some new sheets with a simple grey pattern.

_Still the same old double-bed that I bought for Myra and myself..._

“Are you okay with it, Seb?” Juli interrupted his thoughts.

“It’s very pretty, daddy,” his daughter added.

“Yes, yes, it’s great,” Sebastian couldn’t be gloomy at so much female brightness around him. “Thanks again for cleaning up.”

The third room at the far right, Juli had made into the new office room.

“This room is a bit smaller, so I thought Lily should be in the bigger room,” Juli revealed her idea.

The office consisted of a computer desk standing at the window, and with a shelf on each wall at its sides. A few binders and books were on the shelves, and some other things like cardboard boxes were cluttering the room.

Juli shrugged. “I didn’t throw anything personal of yours away, but I put some stuff that seemed to be hardly ever used in here, too.”

“It’s okay,” Sebastian replied. “I wouldn’t have done this in any other way.”

Though he wondered if Joseph’s stuff was in also here. Scanning the boxes, Sebastian couldn’t see the one with his partner’s name on it, so the chances were good that this box was still in his closet.

They finished their tour through the renewed flat in the bathroom downstairs and the kitchen nearby. Since Juli had also replenished the food, Sebastian made some coffee for the adults, and a cocoa for Lily.

All three sat down at the kitchen table. Lily pretended to give her teddy bear on her lap some of the warm drink.

After a few gulps of his coffee, Sebastian said: “I don’t know how to thank you for all of this, Juli. You even took care of the rent… I’ll pay you back as soon as I work again.”

“You don’t have to! I paid your debts with money that Myra left for you and Lily.” She petted Lily’s shoulder tenderly.

“What?” Sebastian blinked in confusion. “She – she left us money? What money?”

“She had a very high salary as agent, getting as much money as possible out of the organization as some sort of revenge on Mobius,” Juli took a swig, “there’s a considerable sum waiting for you two, and it should last until you’re up on your own feet again, Seb. I’ll show you the papers tomorrow.”

Sebastian went silent and sipped his coffee very pensively, too humbled by Myra’s foresight to say anything. Again, she had thought of everything, even for the time Mobius would be defeated.

So instead of talking, he placed his mug down on the table, took his daughter onto his lap – almost spilling the cocoa – and cuddled her.

Lily smiled at him, and it made him sent a thought of thankfulness to his wife, where ever her blessed soul might rest.

\---

Evening came, and Sebastian cooked dinner for them. He wasn’t a great chef, but he was able to create simple and nutritious dishes that could fill one’s stomach effectively – the perks of being a dad…

Lily grew tired after dinner, and Sebastian helped her into her new pajamas – pink with little red dots printed on them –, washing herself and brushing her teeth.

“I can do this myself!” she had cried during the dressing.

Sebastian had chuckled slightly. “I know, I know, but you’re still a bit sick, honey. Let me help you now and the next few days - “

She hadn’t realized how exhausted she was and went to sleep without any difficulty. Her father stayed for some minutes in her room to wait for any nightmares, but it appeared as if Lily wouldn’t be plagued by them, at least not for this night.

He returned to the kitchen, where Juli was still waiting for him. They hadn’t discussed some things yet.

“How far are you with finding Myra and Joseph?” Sebastian asked, leaning with his hands on the back of one of the chairs.

“Nothing yet,” Juli answered, “my friends searched two old facilities, but they were empty, there wasn’t anyone.”

Sebastian mused for a moment. “Maybe I should finally enter the search...”

“And what about Lily?”

“...You could look after her - “

“Me?” Juli crossed her arms. “I’m the one who knows where the places are! I should already be with my companions!”

“Why don’t you just tell me where these abandoned facilities are?” Sebastian didn’t concede so easily. “Your friends and the other officers manage to look for them, so you must have given them instructions, right?”

“Yes, but I also told you that it could be dangerous. They found a deranged Mobius agent who somehow survived, walking around like one of those zombies in STEM. Fortunately, he didn’t do anything, but we don’t know whom else we might encounter!”

The man’s face lit up. “So, some of them survived? Maybe Myra also survived...”

“Again, I told you: that wouldn’t be possible. Even if, she would be in a coma, or like a living corpse, or perhaps in something like a catatonic state...”

They both didn’t say anything for a minute.

“What can I do now?” Sebastian wondered. “What are we supposed to do?”

Scratching her chin, Juli replied: “There isn’t much you can do now, except maybe spend as much time with your daughter as possible.” She used her hand now to turn a glass of water Sebastian had given her earlier around. “Maybe you could go on a vacation with her? You both could use a long rest.”

Sebastian moved his head from one side to the other, not certain how to react. But Juli was right about the vacation: he didn’t have any leave since before the fire, and after that – well, Sebastian and Myra had never thought of it. And after Myra had disappeared, vacation had been erased from his mind.

Slowly, Sebastian brushed his fingers through his hair. “Yeah,” he replied after a while, “that might be a good idea. I’ll think about it.”

\---

Over the next week, another one of these ‘deranged Mobius agents’ appeared near Elk River, a woman. The Krimson City police department attended to this, but journalists were also investigating. After that, words and names like ‘STEM’, ‘Mobius’ and ‘cult organisation’ were hitting the papers, websites and news broadcasts, not only in and around Krimson City, but also nationwide.

Sebastian didn’t really care about this. The agent hadn’t been Myra or Joseph, and that was everything that mattered to him.

But more and more, he would hear about the Mobius-related things that had happened during his and Lily’s hospital stay.

When Myra was destroying STEM and killed all those agents, some of them hadn’t been in a Mobius facility, but working in their ‘day jobs’. It turned out that they often were in high positions in their professions; three agents had been undercover in the Krimson City police department, one of them quite a big kahuna at that.

Agents had been everywhere; Krimson Main Hospital, the church, town administration, _Krimson Post_.... They just had dropped dead at the place they had been: a surgeon during an operation; a priest during confession; a news anchor during the 6 o’clock news, live on TV, all of them having their blood spilling out of their skulls -

These deaths were examined, and eventually, the chips in their brains had been discovered; it was deducted that the chip would short-circuit and kill them.

Juli visited Sebastian because of the investigations and news reports, showing him the newest issue of the _Krimson Post_ with the headline “The Secret Society Of Mobius” on the first page.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything during your hospital stay,” she said, “but I thought I – give you some time with your daughter. You had enough to worry about.”

Sebastian had been washing some plates, drying them now with a kitchen towel. “You think some reporters’ll come to me not before long?”

The young woman stemmed her fist into her hip and set the _Krimson Post_ on the table. “I’m not sure; STEM and all its data was practically deleted when Myra had smashed it - but I was surprised how much they found out about Mobius, after reading this article.”

“I’ll go to the department tomorrow, maybe I can help with the investigations,” Sebastian threw the towel over his shoulder. “I have to, anyway, to see how I – how I’ll continue working there.”

“You wanna leave the police?”

He crossed his arms. “… I don’t know. I’ll use our vacation to give it some thought.”

“Yeah, you should take you leave as soon as possible, until everything calms down around here,” Juli nodded, “and you should know that I already talked to the chief about you and Lily, when the department began investigating the matter officially.”

“...What did you tell her?”

“Well, everything about Lily...”

\---

As Sebastian had planned to, he went to the police department the next day. The only thing he had changed in his plan was taking Lily with him. The chief also had liked the little girl very much, and had grieved for her when she had supposedly died in the house fire.

But Sebastian couldn’t tell what was waiting for him there; he had been suspended _once again_ for an indefinite amount of time before his return to STEM due to his drinking, but he hoped that having his daughter with him – not just alive, but full of beans – would prove that he had been right about his own investigations before the incident in Beacon Hospital.

“I can’t believe this,” the chief said, crouching in front of the chair where Lily was seated; she had invited her and Sebastian to sit in front of her desk, with eyes wide open. “Hello, Lily. How are you?”

“I’m – I’m okay,” Lily mumbled shyly. She had never been at her father’s workplace, and it was so awkward how many people here were staring at her, ever since she had stepped into the station.

“It’s alright, darling, you don’t have to be afraid,” Sebastian reassured her.

The chief returned to her chair and sat down. “Of course she’s afraid, with all the attention she probably gets here,” she sighed. “It’s a miracle – I couldn’t believe Kidman when she told me everything, but all the other officers who were helping her in their spare time confirmed most of the stuff that she had said.” She smiled tenderly at Lily. “And now I can’t believe my own eyes, and I’m probably not the only one.”

Lily sat slumped back into her chair, staring down into nothingness. Sebastian petted her head, sensing that his daughter was uncomfortable with all this attention.

“I hope you change your belief soon,” he chuckled, “because I would like to support you with the Mobius investigation.”

His superior didn’t answer immediately. “I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t believe you back then with Beacon,” she finally replied.

“I didn’t came here to listen to apologies,” Sebastian responded. “I understand that I must have sounded crazy back then, so I’m just glad that you’re finally looking into this.” His expression turned a bit grimly; there were many other things he should have said about that time, but now that he had his daughter back, he didn’t feel the need to. “What can I do?”

“For now, you and your daughter will give a full statement on how you got your daughter back, you know the drill. And then we would like to have all your private notes and files that you made during the past years on Mobius.”

“That’s all? Don’t you want me to investigate?”

“What do you want to investigate?”

“I always suspected certain people to be part of Mobius, and even had some sort of good leads. I can tell you what role they had inside and outside the organisation - “

“According to Kidman, you’ve been through enough,” the chief leaned forward on her desk, resting her upper body on her lower arms and halting her detective’s enthusiasm, “with your files and Kidman’s help, I’m sure we can piece things together.”

“But then – how about looking for Myra’s – her body’s whereabouts... And Oda is also supposed to be out there, alive - “

“Now that this is a matter of the Krimson City police, we will send out more of our officers to search for them – the official way. And again, we have Kidman on our side.”

It seemed that Sebastian really didn’t have to do anything – everything was taken care of. He considered being more tenacious in this matter, but when he glanced at Lily from the corner of his eye, he had to realize again that she needed him more than the police. She hadn’t spoken a word yet and had been motionless during this meeting, and she reminded him alarmingly of a lifeless doll.

“Kidman also talked to me about the vacation you’re intending to go on,” the chief interrupted his observations, “take as much time as you want.”

\---

Leaving the office with Lily at his side, Sebastian didn’t know with whom he should be more angry: with himself for wanting to neglect his daughter anew for his work, or with Juli with talking so much to the chief and making him almost unnecessary in all things related to Mobius.

At least the detective and his boss had agreed that he would use his leave to think about his future at the department. Further investigating in the Mobius case _now_ made it clearer to him that he couldn’t go on like this; not when Sebastian remembered how much he had regretted that he had put work over family after the fire, not when he had another chance to make up for all the time he hadn’t spent with his child.

They drove back home after their discussion. Lily slowly began to relax next to him in the car the farer away they were from the station, watching curiously at the buildings, streets and people rushing past her window.

“You didn’t like to be in office,” Sebastian remarked. That was the reason why he hadn’t given his statement immediately.

“Uhn-uhn,” Lily shook her head.

“Too many people?”

“Yes… They looked like those evil people. They always stared at me.”

Huffing, Sebastian wanted to find a way to console her.. “You really don’t have to be afraid of my colleagues, they are just happy to see you again. They all thought you were – gone – forever...”

“You mean like – dead?”

“...Yes.”

“...The evil people told me that _you_ are dead - “ she sniffed.

Sebastian pulled over to an empty spot at the roadside to focus better on Lily. He put his hand on her knee. “Then we’re even, I guess. They said this to keep you away from me, but you should know that I would never, _never_ leave you. And I will never let anyone take you from me, again.” He gave her a peck on her moist eye.

A bit calmed, Lily wiped a tear away and nodded quietly.

Himself a little agitated, Sebastian leaned back in his driver’s seat and sighed rather loudly. He wasn’t used to talk like this to his daughter, and this was surely not the last time he would have to do so.

Turning his head to her, he announced: “I won’t take you to the police station again, unless you’re okay with it, alright? I will go back there tomorrow and help my colleagues for a few days, and then we’ll go on a loooong vacation. How about the beach side?”

Lily’s eyes began to shine. “Can I swim in the sea?”

“Of course,” Sebastian laughed. “And make sand castles and play volleyball...” He started the engine to continue their way home. Perhaps Juli could be babysitter for a few hours tomorrow, she was still in town before she would go to the next part of her search… And maybe someone from the department could come to their place to take Lily’s statement.

\---

There was one more thing Sebastian had to do, and that was making Lily come alive again – in the bureaucratic sense.

At the registration office, he had to explain the incredible story on how his child got kidnapped by an obscure organization, how her death was staged to cover her kidnapping, and how he got her back from the clutches of this organization, and now he wanted her to be confirmed as living.

If he hadn’t uttered the name Mobius, the respective clerks probably wouldn’t have believed him; but naturally, they had followed the news about the official investigation by the police department, and Sebastian’s chief attested to his involvement in it.

Not only did Sebastian have Lily with him at the office, but also an older photograph of her. Due to the fire, he had lost all the pictures of her, but he had found one in Joseph’s old apartment… It was one of the last photos of her taken before the fire, shot during some party event organized by the police department and showed a cheerful Myra holding Lily at the center, framed by a stupidly happy Sebastian and a coyly smiling Joseph.

The clerk examined the picture. “I assume the lady in the picture is your wife?”

“Yes,” Sebastian said.

“Where is she now?”

Sebastian swallowed. “She is dead, but – they’re still looking for her body.” Her death would probably be the next bureaucratic hurdle to overcome in the near future.

“Oh, I’m really sorry,” the clerk handed him the picture with an apologetic expression in his eyes, “but to come back to your daughter, I’m sure that this child - “ he motioned at Lily sitting next to Sebastian, “is in fact your child in the photograph, but to reaffirm that she’s not dead and related to you, I’m afraid you have to provide a DNA test.”

Letting his shoulders hang, Sebastian sighed and glanced at Lily. The last few days, she had to give her statement to the police about Mobius and STEM, and now, there would be another hard task for her. She was already pouting when Sebastian had to postpone their vacation every time she inquired “When are we going to the beach?”.

And it wasn’t just the another task, a DNA test would take up quite a lot of time, and so would Lily being declared alive.

One more reason for a long leave.

\---

It took almost a month until all these things were initiated, but the day of Sebastian’s and Lily’s departure for vacation finally arrived.

In the early morning, when Sebastian was packing the jeep with everything necessary, he received a phone call by Juli; she had visited or called them every now and then to talk to them about her progress with Myra’s and Joseph’s search, but there were no news, but still so many facilities left – even Lily got more and more disappointed and sad about this.

“So, you’re leaving at last?” Juli hadn’t spoken to Sebastian for some time now.

“Yeah, we’re going on a road trip along the coast. Lily has never seen the sea before, so I thought that’s what we should go see first.”

“That’s great, Lily will love it!”

“Sure, she can’t wait to go there.”

“But before you drive away, can we meet somewhere? I would like to give Lily a present - “

She asked Sebastian to keep the gift a secret to Lily, and also that they wouldn’t carry too many toys around on their journey.

They arranged a meeting at the diner of a gas station close to Krimson City’s border because it wasn’t possible for Juli to see them in town, being busy with the search, and it was on the way to the coast.

After ordering some refreshments – it was sweltering hot – , the waitress brought them their drinks, and a drawing set for Lily, which she joyously began to fill out.

The diner wasn’t unfamiliar to them; before the Beacon incident, Sebastian, Juli and Joseph would eat here sometimes when a homicide occurred in the area.

Sebastian took some sips of his coke. Leaning forward, he suddenly placed his hand on Juli’s. “You will call me as soon as you found either Myra or Joseph,” he pleaded in a low voice. “I want to be there when you find any of the two.”

Juli smiled understandingly, despite Sebastian’s surprising gesture. “Of course I will; but otherwise, I will leave you alone, so that you can enjoy your time together.”

“I’m going to swim in the sea!” Lily exclaimed at that; she had been focused so much on her drawing that she had ignored her father mentioning Joseph and her mother, to which she usually reacted somehow. “Daddy bought me a pretty bath suit!”

Juli laughed quietly, and Sebastian stroke his daughter’s hair. He hadn’t seen her this happy since he had told her they would go on a trip together.

A pleasant lunch later, they walked out of the diner. Juli fumbled in her bag, crouched in front of Lily and gave her something.

“Lily? This is for you,” she said, “for being so brave all the time in the machine.”

The girl took the plush doll cautiously. “For me?” She inspected the toy thoroughly like an expert, noticed the very pretty shining pearl earrings it had and hugged it tightly. “Thank you, aunt Juli!” She giggled.

“I don’t know how often I thanked you so far,” Sebastian remarked.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s just a trifle way to make amends to you and her,” Juli answered.

Sebastian and Lily entered the red jeep. Throwing a last glance at Juli, they waved they’re good-byes out of the car window to her who waved back.

And as much as Sebastian wanted to just be alone with Lily, he very much hoped that Juli wouldn’t need too long until she would give him some news.

\--

Sebastian and Lily arrived at the first beach town at evening. It was too late to take a swim in the sea, so Sebastian got them a room in a motel.

The next task was to find something to eat. Holding each other’s hand, they entered a small general store close to the motel.

“Daddy, daddy, can I have these unicorn pens?” Lily went to a corner with stationery they had to pass to reach the cashier.

With drinks and sandwiches in his arm, her father followed her, slouching; Sebastian was tired from the long driving.

“Juli already bought you pens, we brought them with us...” Sebastian protested weakly.

“But these are pretty!”

His mouth turned into a tight line, and Sebastian raised his brows. How could he deny Lily any of her wishes? If he wanted her to have a normal life, he couldn’t just allow her everything she wanted, and she would have to learn that she couldn’t have everything just by say-so. He had never been very strict with his child, Myra had been better at this...

After grabbing the pack with the pens, Sebastian waved it in front of Lily. “Alright, I buy them, but they’ll be the last ones for the near future, they should last for a while.”

Looking down at Lily, his gaze fell past her on something interesting on the stationery shelf: a notebook.

Sebastian stared at it for some moments. He hadn’t written a diary since – perhaps some time before going to Beacon Hospital? After being in _that_ STEM, he had forgotten about it; even when he remembered sometimes that he liked to have one, he didn’t have any zeal in writing.

But that simple hard-cover notebook would be a good chance to record everything that had happened to him. Maybe later, when Lily got older, he could give all his diaries to her to read, so that she would understand things better; his old diaries had survived the fire because he had kept them at his office in the police department, and now they were stored in a cardboard box in his office at home.

And so Sebastian left the shop not only with unicorn pens for Lily and with food, but also with a new diary.

\---

For the next few weeks, father and daughter were cruising in their jeep along the coast, and without a care in the world; they would often just stop at a beach, a ball ready for playing in the sand, or the forms for making sand castles.

 

Swimming was a bit more difficult to do. Lily’s imprisonment had made her unlearn a few things, so Sebastian had to teach her to swim again, though he himself wasn’t the best athlete for it anymore; but with the help of water wings, and lots of enthusiasm on Lily’s side, she became more and more accomplished in swimming, and splashed around in the water like a fish. Although Sebastian wondered if she would also have to learn biking again.

During all their little adventures, Sebastian would always keep an eagle’s eye on Lily, worrying that he could possibly lose her now after his ordeal due to his own incautiousness.

 

But how was he supposed to give her some freedom when she grew up - ?

 

\---

They would either sleep in a motel or in the car. Fortunately, it wasn’t very cold in the night, and the jeep was big enough for them to lie in it when Sebastian set the back seats down; he had packed enough blankets and two pillows for them, if required.

These were very precious moments and nights for Sebastian: he would always hold Lily, on the one hand just so happy to feel her close at his heart, but on the other hand also too afraid to let her go.

On another hand, she had to be hold anyway, because she had many nightmares, crying in her sleep, grabbing at her father’s shirt, or clutching on the plush doll as if it was a life line; sometimes she would moan or mumble “mommy, mommy”, or “daddy, daddy”. Once Sebastian was sure that he had heard her saying “Jojo”.

For some miraculous reason, Sebastian didn’t suffer as much from nightmares. It seemed his mind was aware that Lily needed him, so they would bother them only every now and then.

\---

Three weeks into their travels, Sebastian and Lily were staying in another motel. They were lying next to each other in the double-bed of their room – Sebastian always asked for a double-bed in their room.

He was leaning against the bed’s head, watching the TV that he had turned to a very low sound, since Lily was sleeping peacefully in his arm, on his chest, after calming her down from a bad dream.

Unlike his daughter, Sebastian couldn’t go to sleep. It was one of these nights were he had to ruminate too much of Myra and Joseph. Of course, he hadn’t forgotten about them, but sometimes his thoughts and feelings about them would intensify.

At times like this, he would have a drink and/or a cigarette then. Today, during dinner, he had had a beer, and had a smoke when they made their picnic at the beach.

He could keep these vices under control – or so Sebastian told himself. After all, he had clearly overdone them due to the strokes of fate he had to endure the last few years. When he was unmarried, he had smoked like a chimney, and often went to a bar or nightclub to have fun and get drunk when he had time on a weekend. Later, especially after Lily’s birth, he had reduced these habits, and Sebastian just wanted to do them like back then before the fire when he would drink only a bit at social events or a fine meal, when he would only smoke in his office, to help him think during a case. Sebastian enjoyed drinking and smoking too much to give these things up.

But he obviously couldn’t just hop on old habits to distract himself from his problems. Not again.

And so, Sebastian was watching TV, or rather staring at the screen, not caring about what the program was, his thoughts circling around two persons.

Myra – Joseph – Myra – Joseph – Myra – Joseph…

What if Myra was still alive? What if Joseph was dead after all? What if Juli wouldn’t find them?

_What if both are still alive and well - ?_

Sebastian startled at that. Being a family again with Lily and Myra – that would be wonderful, and he was aching so much for it.

For so many years, he had believed that he would never see Myra again, just like she had written him years ago when she had sent him all her stuff about Mobius. And Sebastian knew his wife too well: when she said that they would never see each other again, then that’s how it would be.

He hated to admit this, but Myra had been dead for him for years now.

And then he had found her in STEM, completely unexpected… Despite everything that Juli had said, there was still a spark of hope in him that he could have his wife back.

But if Joseph might also be back, Sebastian wouldn’t be able to do this to him. Because there was also that odd notion of being a family with the younger man and Lily…

Sebastian snorted. _Great. Myra is very definitely dead for just a few weeks now, and all I think about is already jumping into the next relationship..._

It was so weird; with every other man, Sebastian couldn’t imagine having a family, but with Joseph, it was different. Sure, it would be new territory for Sebastian who had never been with a man, but it wasn’t a strange or uncomfortable thought. After all, Joseph had loved Lily as if she had been his own daughter. Often, Sebastian would ask himself if Joseph maybe had given up on having children of his own after the one thing he had told the older detective years ago, when he had broken his engagement with Kate… Or rather she with Joseph.

Sebastian wasn’t gay, and he wouldn’t even call himself bisexual. He had always been straight, and had always been with women, looking for a spouse in them, but in the end, these relationships hadn’t lasted very long. Hardly a woman could stand Sebastian, who was too gruff and too difficult for most of them, for a long period of time.

Until he met Myra. And she even married the bastard that he was.

But somehow, Joseph had become as special to him as Myra, slowly over time, though he couldn’t explain why.

Had it been Joseph’s level-headed and controlled demeanor, which was so much different than Sebastian’s impulsive behavior? Or had it been his quiet smile, his happiness around Lily?

Painfully, Sebastian’s thoughts wandered to how rare Joseph’s smile had become after Lily’s ‘death’.

And how he still had consoled Sebastian during his worst moments, at the mock-funeral of his daughter, or when he was angry due to the faked death of her.

How Joseph had stayed with him and supported him, despite all the abuse Sebastian had shouted at the younger man; especially when he had been drunk like a lord and the older detective had believed that Joseph hid something from him pertaining the death of his daughter, or the disappearance of his wife.

All the things Joseph had done for him. All the things Sebastian had done to him.

Remembering all these things about Joseph, a warm and fuzzy feeling began spreading from his chest all over his body, though it was mingled with a tinge of sadness.

The nurse in STEM had been right: Joseph was his most important memory.

_Idiot. What if none of them wants to be with me?_

That wasn’t so far-fetched. Myra, if she had kept her mental and bodily strength, might still be too damaged from Mobius, so that she just didn’t want to have anything to do with him again. And Sebastian remembered how he had thought that Joseph had a crush on Juli…

What if both were alive, but would be in need of care? Sebastian wouldn’t think twice to nurse them both, although he wasn’t sure if his strength would be enough for a job, raising a daughter and taking care of two sick adults -

“You have a nightmare, daddy?” the little voice next to him squeaked, interrupting his wild speculations. “You’re still not sleeping.”

Sebastian hadn’t noticed that she had been stirring in his arm.

“No, I was just thinking,” he answered.

“What were you thinking about?” She lifted her head to see her father better in the faint light of the TV screen.

“About your mommy… and Joseph...”

Lily didn’t speak for a moment, her gaze moving to the television. “I want to see uncle Joseph again...”

Sebastian glimpsed down at his daughter. He could understand that she wanted to have Joseph back in her life, although it concerned him that she still didn’t want to talk about her mother. But he also had to have patience, giving Lily some time to digest all the events from Union and Myra’s death, at least for now.

“Juli is doing everything right now to find uncle Joseph,” he explained. “I’m sure she’ll find him soon.” That’s what Sebastian hoped for anyway. “But you should go back to sleep.”

“Only when you sleep, too...” she pretended to sulk.

“Alright, alright,” Sebastian chuckled and turned the TV off to stretch himself out on the bed. He turned to Lily and took her in both of his arms.

Sebastian didn’t notice how his cell phone flashed up on his night stand.

\---

Almost immediately after breakfast the next day, Sebastian and his daughter headed back to Krimson City, because Juli had written a simple message that read:

_Sebastian, I found her._

It was the message the detective had waited now for so long. Or at least one of two. Though he hated to cancel their time together, Sebastian had told Lily that her auntie good news for them, and that they had to return home. The little girl was clearly disappointed, but nodded her agreement anyway, understanding the solemn air about her father and that something important had happened – maybe Juli had finally found uncle Jojo!

They travelled back with as many and as few breaks as possible, and they would sleep in the car during the night; Lily behaved very well and let Sebastian drive until he at some point decided to stop for a pause, but he was aware that he was with a child, and he couldn’t stress her for too long.

After about four days of driving – Sebastian had been surprised how slow they had been on their way to the coast – they arrived back home, and Juli called them at evening.

“I’ll come over then tomorrow morning and pick you up,” she announced, “and I’ll bring a friend along who’ll look after Lily for some hours. I think it’s better if you come without her.”

Sebastian expression darkened.

And after a pause, Juli added: “And you should get some flowers.”

\---

The next morning, Sebastian was pacing and fidgeting around in the kitchen while Lily was still eating her breakfast; she kept the doll with the pearl earrings on her lap and observed her father, chewing her cornflakes and waiting for Juli just like him. The patience and coolness she displayed must have been obviously inherited by her mother.

There was a beautiful and big flower bouquet on the kitchen counter, and Sebastian glimpsed at it nervously.

Finally, the door bell was ringing. Sebastian, tense as a bow, hurried in wide steps to the apartment’s entrance, and opened the door to catch sight of Juli and another person, probably the friend she had talked about on the phone -

_The nurse!_

“Hello, Seb,” Juli greeted him, “this is my friend Tatiana Gutierrez, but if I’m reading your face correctly, I don’t have to introduce you to her...”

“Good morning, detective”, Tatiana smiled, “nice to finally meet you in the real world.” Her voice sounded different than in STEM.

She wasn’t wearing her hospital uniform, but a simple blue skirt and a white blouse. She put her right hand forth to say hello to him, so Sebastian gripped it. He couldn’t say a word though and shook her hand as stifly as a display dummy, completely flabbergasted about this sort of unexpected meeting.

Somehow, Sebastian managed to compose himself after a minute or so. “But how – I thought you were just part of my imagination!”

“To keep you sane in STEM?” Tatiana asked with hooded eyes, raised eyebrows and the voice Sebastian knew so well.

“Yes -”

“That’s the reason why Myra sent her into it,” Juli replied with a slight chuckle.

Sebastian couldn’t close his mouth anymore.

“And this must be little Lily!” Tatiana cheered, walking towards her; Lily was standing at the kitchen door and hadn’t been noticed for a while. And now, this stranger was bowing down to her with a bright grin. “I heard so much about you!” the woman exclaimed.

Lily seemed a bit scared, but Juli approached her to calm her down. “Don’t be afraid, Lily, she’s a friend of mine and your mommy. This is Tatiana. I and your father have something to do in town, and she will look after you. Is that okay with you?”

The girl stared in confusion at Juli, then at her father, then at Tatiana, and then at her father again; she hadn’t been without him for more than some minutes since he had rescued her, mostly because Sebastian always made sure that he knew her whereabouts. Sebastian looked concerned, too, since he didn’t want to leave her with a stranger, but as mysterious as Tatiana had been in STEM, she had never done anything to harm him, and now it came out she was friends with Juli... She probably trusted her very much. And if Myra had sent her into STEM, Tatiana had probably had kept her cover up, just like his wife had to.

Besides that, there wasn’t anyone else to babysit her; Sebastian had never interacted much with his neighbors, either because he had been grieving or boozing.

“She’s okay, sweetie, I – worked with her,” he encouraged her in the end.

“Okay, I guess,” Lily answered.

“We won’t be away for too long,” Juli cheered her up.

“What would you like to do, Lily?” Tatiana inquired.

Now the girl began to smile. “I want to watch cartoons!”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Let her watch some, but please not for hours.”

“Don’t worry, detective, I worked with children before, I’ll find a proper way to keep her busy.”

Not entirely convinced, Sebastian turned to Juli. “We should be on our way, Sebastian,” she just reminded him, “I’ll tell you more about her during our drive.”

He went past Lily, stroke her hair and entered the kitchen. “Yeah, I’ll get the flowers...”

\---

On their way to where ever Juli wanted to take him – though Sebastian had a feeling about what kind of place that was – she enlightened him about Tatiana: she also had been a Mobius agent who wanted to get out of the organization; Myra had made a deal with her that she would get Tatiana out if she would help her with Sebastian. The nurse had also worked at the children’s department of a hospital in another town before joining Mobius.

“Why did she join them?” Sebastian asked.

“Hmmm… Everyone had his reason. Mine was being grateful that they had saved me from a life on the street,” Juli answered, “and she told me why, but I always think it’s better if the respective person tells the reason on his own.”

Sebastian was looking out of the car’s window, the bunch of flowers on his lap. He began to recognize the buildings, streets, landscapes leading to a certain site in Krimson City -

The cemetery they had buried Lily.

He hadn’t been here since the funeral, because he dreaded this place, and he didn’t needed to remember by a tombstone that his daughter was gone; he had been reminded every day by the laughter of his little girl that hadn’t been around anymore in the flat. Myra had often argued with Sebastian that he hadn’t been visiting Lily’s grave, she had been the one who did this – until she had secluded herself from him due to her investigations.

Joseph sometimes told him to go to the grave and ‘talk’ to his daughter. Back then, Sebastian had found it eerie that his rational younger colleague recommended him something like this. Later, when Sebastian had thought Joseph was dead, he had understood that the other had wanted to help him with the grieving. What an irony that Joseph didn’t had a grave Sebastian could have gone to - !

They arrived at the cemetery’s gate, and Juli then led him to the very spot where Lily was supposed to be lying. Sebastian solemnly followed the young woman to the new tomb stone that was set up, but now, there was Myra’s name on it.

Juli gave him some space, so that Sebastian could have a bit of privacy. He placed the flowers down on the grave.

A gentle breeze was blowing through the grass and trees around them. Sebastian stood there, wringing his hands in front of him, and not able to utter anything out of his sadness and grieving from anew.

But after some moments of quiet despair, anger started to mingle into his grief. “Why didn’t you call me before you buried her -?” Sebastian choked.

Coming nearer, Juli thought about her reply. “I’m sorry, Sebastian,” she said, “but when we found her, she wasn’t – “ she swallowed hard, “well, let’s just say that the chip in her head had rendered her unrecognizable.”

Closing in on her, Sebastian almost pierced her with his glare. “And?”

“I just – I thought it better to spare you the sight of her terrible state...”

“What state..?” he demanded.

“Seb, she – “ Juli put one side of her face into her palm in agony, furrowing her brows, “she was nothing more than a pile of rotten meat in a bath tub! I only recognized her because of her pearl earrings - ! To make sure that it was really her, I had to make Tatiana run a DNA test.”

“ _S_ _he was my wife,_ _Juli_ _!”_ Sebastian finally roared, his clenched fists shaking. _“I should have buried her! I wouldn’t have cared what she looked like!!”_ He lifted his arm and hid his eyes behind the forearm. “Don’t make me yell at a cemetery, and next to the grave of my wife, on top of it...” His shoulders began to tremble a bit, and Sebastian made a few tired sobs while turning away from the woman.

Juli didn’t need to say anything, she wouldn’t have known what to tell him anyway. Instead of that, she fished something out of her jeans pocket and walked quietly to Sebastian, touching his back. “Here, take them,” she said, showing him a very small plastic bag with something round and shining in it.

Sebastian wiped some tears away to see what Juli had there. “Are these - ?”

“Yes, these pearls were with Myra’s body. I thought to give you these at least.”

She handed him the bag, and Sebastian took the earrings reluctantly. He viewed them for some moments, and somehow, their white glint calmed him down a bit.

He put them in his own pocket, looking back at the gravestone. It made him think of something.

“Where did you put that poor creature that was here before? If there was ever any...” he asked.

There was a stone plate embedded close to Myra’s grave, and Juli pointed at it. Sebastian had overseen it because it was so unimpressive. The plate read ‘Unknown Child’.

Myra probably would have like this, so Sebastian untangled some of the flowers of the bouquet he had bought, and placed them on the plate.

“We couldn’t find out who that kid was,” Juli said, “all DNA was gone. Mobius probably abducted a child that wouldn’t be missed so easily.”

Snorting was the only answer she received.

Clearing her throat, Juli wanted to give it one more try to comfort Sebastian. “Seb, if it helps, the department filed a report about when we found her, and though I prefer that you wouldn’t see them, I can show the photos of it – her...”

Sebastian inhaled audibly. “I will do this later.” He paused. “There are more urgent matters to take care of.” Again, he faced Juli. “What about Joseph? Have you finally found him? Or will you show me _his_ grave, too?”

“No, no,” Juli protested, “but that’s the next thing I wanted to talk with you about. There aren’t many places left, maybe two or three, where Joseph could be. I’m sure he’s in one of them.”

“So you still don’t know if he’s alive?!” Sebastian crossed his arms. “Then now, I’m definitely coming with you to get him!”

“Sebastian - “

Stomping past her, he called back at Juli. “No, you won’t talk me out of it this time! Tatiana can look after Lily, and I will be as careful as possible so as to not run into any danger!”

Juli sighed and let her arms hang. She observed how Sebastian rushed to the iron entrance gate, beckoning her: “Come now!”

\---

Back at home, Sebastian sat in his kitchen after a long day full of surprises. And the next search expedition for Joseph would start in two days.

Lily was upstairs snuggled up in her bed, and hopefully asleep; maybe she wouldn’t have a nightmare.

Now, he was smoking and had the opportunity to have a closer look at the earrings; they really were Myra’s pearls, he would recognize them anywhere.

“Myra,” he whispered sadly.

So, this was it then. Myra was dead, and the pearls felt like the final evidence; no, her grave had been an obviously strong indicator for her fall, literally carved into stone. He couldn’t have her back, he couldn’t have a family with her again, and Lily lost her mother for good.

Suddenly, Sebastian wanted to be with Lily, so he stuffed the bag into his trousers and went to her room. He opened the door that stood ajar, as always, since he would like to hear every tiny little sound of her discomfort in her sleep, so that he could be there if she needed him.

But instead of an asleep child, he discovered how Lily was reading a book, under the light of her night table lamp. Just before her abduction, she had learned to read herself, and it appeared that it was one of her skills she hadn’t forgotten.

“I thought I put you to sleep earlier,” he said in a mock-scornful tone.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she answered, looking up to him.

“You had another bad dream?”

“No, it’s just…” Lily closed the book. “You found mommy, right?”

Sebastian moved to Lily’s bed and sat down on it. “Yes, aunt Juli found her,” he took her in his arms and tucked her head into his chin, “but she’s dead and in heaven now, just like I told you in the hospital.” There would be enough time to tell her about to grave, and visit it together with her.

He heard his daughter sniffling a little, and remembered the pearl earrings in his pocket. “Look, I have something for you - “

Lily eyed the earrings in Sebastian’s palm curiously. “Are these – mommy’s pearls?” she asked.

“Yes. How about you keep them? I’m sure your mother would want you to have them.”

Hesitantly, Lily took the bag in her hand. “I remember mommy wearing them,” she said in a low tone.

“Yeah. Maybe you can wear them when you’re older,” he playfully gripped her earlobe; Lily didn’t have holes in them for earrings yet.

“That tickles!” Lily giggled.

“I also have some good news,” Sebastian declared, “Juli knows where Joseph is, but we have to pick him up.”

“When can I see him?”

“Maybe in a few days. I will go with aunt Juli and – bring him home.”

Lily gave him her brightest smile.

“But only,” he grabbed the book, “when you go to sleep! Come on, I’ll read the book to you. What are you reading anyway?”

The girl laid back on her pillow. “It’s about a knight who saves a princess from the dragon!”


	3. Chapter 3

The day of the first search for Joseph began rather early, about 5 am. Juli arrived with Tatiana in her car at Sebastian’s flat. The older detective and his daughter were already awake, he fully clothed for the excursion, she rather sleepy in her pajamas, being carried at his hip.

“Was it really necessary to wake her?” Juli asked when he opened the door.

“I didn’t wake her,” Sebastian answered, “she heard me how I rummaged my stuff and put my clothes on.”

Tatiana patted Lily’s cheek. “Hello, Lily, how are you?”

The little girl didn’t say anything, but rubbed her eyes.

“I’ll bring her to bed, and say good-bye,” Sebastian sighed.

They trotted to the kid’s room, and Sebastian tucked Lily in. She cried a bit, but tried to hold it back bravely.

The parting was hard on Sebastian, too. He remembered that he had promised Lily he would never leave her, but he was sure she understood how he had meant that. “Come on, sweetie, we talked about this,” he kissed her on her forehead, “Tatiana will take care of you, I will call you every evening, I’ll be back soon, and then we’ll be together with Joseph.”

Lily turned around, confused and infuriated, and hid her face in her pillow, small sobs coming out of her throat; she didn’t want her father to leave, but she also wanted Joseph back – and her father was one of the persons to do that.

Tatiana sat down on the bed; Lily had fortunately accepted her during their first babysitting. “She’ll calm down soon, don’t worry, but make sure that you _really_ call every evening.”

The two agreed to some technicalities – food, doctors, other emergencies – before Sebastian and Juli left the apartment to start their journey.

Some minutes into the drive, Juli wanted to break the ice to distract Sebastian from the sad departure. “We’ll go and search an area in the south of Krimson City, near the state border, an old factory, an abandoned swimming hall and an empty storage depot.”

“How come you couldn’t search all these places at once?”

“We didn’t have enough people, even when it became an official search, you know the work load at the police,” she defended herself, “but the more it seeped out that it was also about Joseph, the more officers wanted to help – on top of their workload.”

Sebastian made a small whistle. He didn’t knew that so many people at the department cared for Joseph, but now that he thought about it – the young man wasn’t lazy when it came to help other investigators, chit-chatted with the IT personnel, always remembered the birthdays of the administrative staff and brought them flowers… Joseph wasn’t usually intimate friends with these people, but had been friendly with almost everyone. The older detective had forgotten about this due to his drinking.

But it felt good to see how many people were worrying about their colleague…

“Lily misses Joseph very much, hun?” Juli interrupted his musings.

“Yeah, but she’s not the only one - “

Even in Sebastian’s own ears, this confession sounded a little over the top, the way he had said it, but it had slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

Juli didn’t reply to that, but glanced a bit wondering into the man’s direction.

\---

Joining the rest of the search team, they arrived at the storage depot Juli had mentioned. Sebastian entered the place with a glowing hope to find Joseph, but was disappointed after some minutes of looking around. The depot had around 30 people, civilians, in those STEM tubs, newer and older models.

The persons, floating in the water, looked sick and unkempt; tubes with a yellow-ish liquid in them connected to a machine were put into their mouths, IVs in their arms. Sebastian had understood that it wasn’t possible to just wake people up from STEM, because it would literally kill them – not to mention that just waking them would have been suspicious for Mobius; that’s why he himself had to go back into STEM. Instead of shaking them awake, they needed a complicated deprogramming from that virtual reality. Juli had also told him that these people weren’t in a place like Union, but that they were in some sort of coma, or dreamless sleep.

“All these people are the result of Myra trying to get as many people out of STEM as possible,” Juli explained, moving to the computer next to one of the tubs and began to type on the keypad.

“ - Why am I not surprised about that?” Sebastian replied.

Juli smirked. “It was difficult though. Mobius didn’t need people to survive for a long time in STEM, or rather their bodies – your body wasn’t supposed to survive STEM, since your consciousness would be transferred into it, so why taking care of the it? But Myra found a way to convince our superiors to keep people for further or special experiments alive, and they usually didn’t question her ideas.”

“As if Mobius people ever questioned anything...”

“And so they were fed with a liquid diet. Let’s hope that the food supply lasted long enough, it was calculated for about three months - “

Other officers and specialists had also learned to deprogram persons out of STEM and went to the tubs. Sebastian recognized the IT guys from the department among them, the ones Joseph would often talk with.

After typing for some long minutes, the people in the tubs would slowly open their eyes. Each of them would react in different ways: confusion, shock, anger, tears, staying unconscious... The department had of course thought of medical care, and emergency services were ready, waiting close to the entrance gate until everything had been declared safe; the civilians were one by one transported to the ambulances.

Sebastian helped organizing bringing the civilians to the hospital. This absorbed several hours, and after that, they had to examine the rest. Though he didn’t really want to do this, Sebastian had agreed to support every part of the search, not just finding Joseph.

In the evening, Sebastian collapsed into the bed, face-front. He should take a shower, but his whole body was aching – he hadn’t done this kind of investigation in a while, and his alcoholism had decided to finally, though slowly, taking its toll.

Groaning, he hugged his pillow. He was hungry, dirty, but mostly sad – they hadn’t found Joseph, Lily wasn’t close to him, and the search made him miss Myra even more.

How much she had cared about all these people. The perfection with which she had planned everything.

But where was Joseph? And was he in the same state as the people they had rescued just now - ?

He turned around, again with a groan. There was only one thing that could change his foul mood at least a bit: he took his phone out of his pants’ pocket, and dialed the number to his apartment.

\---

They were searching for Joseph for about a week now, since every site had to be sorted out properly before they could go to the next one. The swimming hall hadn’t been a success when it came to the young detective, and so the abandoned factory was the last site they could look.

Juli and Sebastian opened the massive metal door, the entrance. The place used to be a car factory that closed down during the last economic crisis. They walked through a hall with a high ceiling and windows close to it; there were holes in some of the crumbling walls.

Their guns at the ready, the team was cautious, listening to every sound tentatively. It was early in the morning, and the sun was about to rise, so it was not entirely dark, but they couldn’t see everything very well either.

The only discernible things were the old production machines, or rather what was left of them, crawling into their sight, and added to the eerie atmosphere.

A familiar scene developed in front of them: Several STEM tubs were among these machines, with unconscious people in them, some computers regulating their body activities, sounds emanating from the machines.

And in the first tub, one of the rays of daylight shining on it –

Was Joseph.

Sebastian discovered him from afar; he let the hand with his gun sink and stared in a daze at the pathetic creature in this huge machinery, recognizing Joseph in it.

Not daring to breath, he came closer to the tub. Still two or three meters away, Sebastian could differentiate some details about the young man -

Well, Joseph didn’t look _that_ young anymore. He was unconscious and had a tube with the liquid diet in his mouth, and a heart monitor next to him displayed a weak pulse. Joseph was terribly thin and pale, with deep dark rings under his eyes; his hair was about as long as Sebastian’s, uncombed and unwashed, and he had a beard – Sebastian couldn’t remember Joseph ever having a beard - !

“There he is,” Juli hurried to the computer, “he looks terrible. Agents would usually take care of these people every now and then, in terms of hair etc, but like in the other places we’ve been, that had happened quite a while ago...”

Only half-listening to Juli, Sebastian’s feelings got the better of him, and he ran towards Joseph.

“ _Joseph!”_ Sebastian yelled, hunching down to grip the unconscious man’s shoulders, tossing him almost violently, splashing the water of the edge of the tub.

“Easy, easy, Seb!” Juli literally hammered on the keypad.

“Then hurry up!” Sebastian growled at her, cupping Joseph’s cheek in his hand, waiting for a response. He looked so miserable...

Juli needed a while, but it felt like eternity for Sebastian until she finished typing commands into the computer.

Joseph finally began to stir. “Uumph-”

Sebastian widened his eyes hopefully. “Joseph - ?” he almost whispered.

The addressed one opened his eyes and lifted his head -

He slowly moved his mouth.

“Seb-Sebastian...” Joseph mumbled through the tube, and it was audible how dry his throat was.

Sebastian couldn’t hold himself back anymore. With tears in his eyes, he grabbed the back of Joseph’s head with one of his hands, slung his other arm around the young man’s shoulders, and first kissed Joseph’s forehead, then temple, then ear -

“Joseph, Joseph, oh god, _Joseph_ ,” he murmured like a mantra with moist eyes, nearly cradling Joseph and petting his hair.

He hardly noticed how Joseph touched his arm slightly with his fingers.

Many others of the search team steadily gathered around the two, watching them from a respectful distance. Some of them were curious, some of them were baffled, some of them started to talk quietly to each other about this intimate embrace. Most of them knew that Sebastian and Joseph had been very close, but this show of affection was –

“What are you gawping at?!” The first one to shake herself out of her dumbfoundedness was Juli. “The other people in the tubs also need our help, so move it!”

The officers scattered throughout the factory hall, working on the computers, leaving the two men to their private moment.

Juli still stayed for some moments to observe them; she furrowed her brows, several explanations for this crawling up in her mind. Sebastian had completely tuned out what just had happened.

But now wasn’t the time to speculate. Joseph managed to keep his eyes open for some time, but now they were closing -

She then took her walkie-talkie and called the doctors who were waiting outside.

***

For a while now, there had only been darkness for Joseph. Before the darkness, there had been at least some dreams, though weird and often scary ones. And before that – that had been a disaster, Beacon Hospital...

But then, some sort of lightning occurred in the darkness for several moments. It didn’t hurt, but it was kind of annoying. Joseph heard some rumbling – and realized that it had been his own voice.

The rumbling forced him to open his eyes; it staggered him that he could still open them. His lids felt so unbelievably heavy -

He also felt something on his cheek and shoulder. Despite the heaviness, he moved his head upwards, and -

Though his vision was blurred – where were his glasses? – he still recognized who was in front of him. There was the one person he wanted to see again in his life, at least for once.

“Seb- Sebastian,” Joseph heard himself rasping; there was something in his mouth and dry throat that made it uncomfortable for him to speak.

His head was then clamped onto Sebastian’s shoulder, and Joseph understood how the older man murmured his name over and over again.

Sebastian was holding him, actually holding him – that couldn’t be true…

Joseph touched Sebastian’s arm, the one that was slung around his own shoulders. His fingers could feel the fabric of Sebastian jacket.

_This is a dream, right? This isn’t happening…_

It was probably just his mind playing a last trick on him, playing his favorite fantasy before dying -

But Joseph wasn’t afraid; because at least in his mind, he was with Sebastian.

And then the darkness descended over him again.

***

The ambulance was driving hastily and with sirens to Krimson Main Hospital.

Joseph was lying on a stretcher, unconscious; the tube had been removed, but replaced with an oxygen mask over his mouth. Sebastian sat on his right side, paying attention to every tiny move of Joseph, holding his hand, letting his thumb run over the back of it.

Juli was sitting on the other side of the stretcher, frowning at that sight.

How focused Sebastian was on Joseph. How tenderly he treated him -

Of course, Sebastian and Joseph had been partners for a long time, but wasn’t that all a bit too much? Juli didn’t mind, but she never seen any sign of that tenderness from Sebastian’s part.

Instead of that, there had been Sebastian’s drinking, Joseph’s anger and resignation, all the fights between them...

But it fairly explained why Sebastian had been so eager to find Joseph -

***

It seemed that Joseph’s death fantasy wasn’t over yet.

For some reason, he opened his eyes again. There was only little light, and he could see Sebastian on his right side. Again, he couldn’t behold him clearly, but – did Sebastian look worried?

So many sensations began to flood over Joseph’s body. Apparently, he was in a car, in the back of an ambulance, according to the sirens howling above and through it. There was something on his face – an oxygen mask, and he was grateful that it helped him breathing a bit easier. His right hand was warm – but he wasn’t wearing his gloves anymore.

Joseph turned his head to his left a bit, and saw Kidman.

He froze – literally.

“I’m – cold,” he could hear himself saying. And it was true, because his body was actually trembling.

Sebastian turned to Kidman. “Give me one of those blankets behind you,” he growled.

Joseph’s gaze followed Sebastian’s movements, how he received the blanket, how he spread it over him and tucked him in.

Being treated so gently by Sebastian made Joseph ignore Kidman; he was already a bit overwhelmed by it. The whole time after Lily and Myra, Sebastian had been so distant and aggressive and drunk, so unbearably drunk -

“Are you okay, Joseph?” Sebastian asked.

The patient didn’t answer, his strength gradually leaving him; there was just enough to weakly smile to himself, and he closed his eyes again.

Only this time, Joseph hoped he would wake up later.

***

They arrived at the hospital late afternoon. Joseph was in a stable sleep now, another heart monitor attached to him with a clip on his finger, an IV needle put into the back of his other hand, a respirator tube in his nose.

Sebastian and Juli were standing in the fortunately single-bed room – the doctor who had helped him with Lily had been very helpful again. The older detective stood a little closer to Joseph’s bed, Juli rather at the door.

Since they had found Joseph, they hadn’t exchanged many words. Sebastian had been too busy taking care of the younger man, the sorrow about him chiseled into his features.

Yawning, he rubbed his eyes. “I have to go back to Lily.” There was still a long drive home ahead of him.

“He’ll be okay here, Seb,” Juli consoled him.

“Yeah, he should.”

He stepped closer to the bed and carefully took Joseph’s hand – the one with the clip on his finger – , stroking the back of it once more with his thumb.

Swallowing, Sebastian remarked tiredly: “He doesn’t look any better than in STEM, with all these tubes - “

A nurse had shaved Joseph’s face, but his hair was greasy; his cheek bones were more prominent than ever.

With his other hand, Sebastian caressed Joseph’s cheek for a while, before petting his head. He bowed down and placed a long kiss on Joseph’s forehead.

Joseph felt so thin, so terribly thin, fragile and vulnerable underneath his lips, in his hand -

Juli now had to asked. “You do realize that I can see you? That everybody saw you back then at the factory?”

“I don’t care,” Sebastian replied gruffly, “I’m done pretending.”

“And what about Joseph - ?”

Sebastian startled abruptly and removed his hand from Joseph; blinking confusedly, he hadn’t expected this kind of question, too worried about the other man.

Walking past Juli, he halted at the door.

“That’s for him to decide,” Sebastian said, and then he left the room.

\---

He went home immediately, and after so many days without her father, Lily practically stormed into his arms. It was past bed-time for her, but Sebastian had given them a ring, so Tatiana had let the little girl stay awake a bit longer, reading something to her in the living room.

After relieving Tatiana from her duty as a babysitter, he lounged down with Lily, his arms wrapped around her, to just have her close for some moments.

“Did you find uncle Joseph?” Lily inquired, burying her head in her father’s crook of the neck.

“Yes,” Sebastian smiled, “aunt Juli and I, and many others, have finally found him.”

The girl lifted her head. “Can I visit him tomorrow?”

Sebastian summoned the image of Joseph in that hospital bed into his mind, mulling over it.

“Hmmm – uncle Joseph is still very tired and ill, so I think it’s better if you don’t visit him for a few days.” Sebastian didn’t want his daughter to see her beloved uncle Jojo in that sorry state.

“But, daddy, I -”

“I know, I know, sweetie, but Joseph – he really needs to rest. Just wait a few days.” He gave her a peck on the cheek.

The child began to pout. “Okay, daaad...”

Sighing, Sebastian had to do something to cheer her up, so he tried to have a little chat: “How was your time with Tatiana?”

“It was okay,” Lily replied after a moment, “but I didn’t like her food!”

Chuckling, Sebastian cuddled her even more. “I’ll make you a nice breakfast tomorrow morning, alright?”

Lily nodded, her sulking fading as fast away as it had occurred.

“Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?” he asked wearily. He was sure that Lily also didn’t want to sleep alone in her bed.

“- Can Dolly come with us?” She had named her doll with the pearl earrings that.

“Of course,” Sebastian grinned; he got up, carrying Lily on his hip. “Aw, you’re getting heavier and heavier every day - “ It really became more and more difficult to heave her. “Come on, you should be asleep already...”


	4. Chapter 4

There it was again: that terrible and twisting sensation around his brain, accompanied by the high-pinched noise deafening his ears. Joseph knew it too well, but he hadn’t have this feeling for quite a while now.

And again, he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Somehow, from the corners of his eyes, Joseph managed to realize where he was: the ruins of that small village he had been with Sebastian, after he had entered Beacon Hospital with him, and before he stupidly ran into the guillotine trap of those monsters -

“Aaaahrgh!” Joseph bowed forward, going into his knees, the palms of his gloved hands pressing on his ears; the sound melted his brain into a useless pulp, rendering every kind of rational thinking almost unfeasible, and his innards got pinched as if with barbed wire.

“Joseph?”

_Sebastian -_

That was Joseph’s last conscious thought.

“Joseph!” Sebastian came closer and put his hand on Joseph’s shoulder.

But it was too late. Joseph got up again, and saw the bloody cracks, marks and bruises on the skin of his forearms; they were itching temptingly, but that wasn’t important right now.

Important was the man in front of him. And that man was responsible for the only feeling Joseph had at the moment.

Hate. So much _hate._

It wasn’t the first time Joseph hated Sebastian like this – Sebastian had given him too many opportunities for that:

Sebastian and his pretty spouse and happy family life.

Sebastian and his grief and anger about his daughter’s death.

Sebastian and his drinking.

Sebastian and his illusions and ‘investigations’ of a conspiracy about his child and wife.

Sebastian, treating him like a convenience -

Sebastian, yelling at him, not caring about him…

Sebastian, Sebastian, _Sebastian_ \- !

But here, in this strange world, Joseph finally had the power and courage to _do_ something about it.

Not himself anymore and growling like an animal, Joseph leaped at Sebastian. He reached out with both of his arms, clasping his fingers around the older man’s throat -

Joseph squeezed as hard as he could. The skin, larynx and air tube of Sebastian’s neck were gradually crumbling between and underneath his fingers…

Now, his hate lead to a feeling that could only be described as _glorious,_ a wide grin spreading over his face.

At this high, Joseph noticed how Sebastian’s arms were hanging limply at his sides; he hadn’t even defended himself while that zombie in front of him was dragging the life out of him.

Instead, Sebastian looked at Joseph, with all the tenderness he could muster in a situation like this, a mild smile playing around his lips -

And in Sebastian’s amber eyes, there was this understanding, so much understanding, why Joseph had been with him, in good times and in bad times…

Suddenly, Joseph remembered that he didn’t want to hate Sebastian. That he wanted to be with him, even if they would just stay friends...

Slowly, Sebastian lids were closing over his eyes.

\---

“SEBASTIAN!!!”

Joseph jolted up in the middle of the night. He was sweating and shaking, his chest heaving violently.

Instinctively, he turned his head around to scan his surroundings, to make sure that there wasn’t any danger lurking at a corner.

It was too dark to see anything, which Joseph’s didn’t like, and his head was swirling.

Where was Sebastian?

He then brought his hand to his face, his fingers fumbling about in it – he wasn’t wearing gloves, and there were no glasses on his nose.

Without his gloves, he felt kind of unwhole, but without his glasses, he felt almost helpless.

Another thing he felt was at his hands: there was some sort of clip on one of his index fingers, and a needle was stuck in the back of his other hand, a flexible tube connected to it.

_Oh god, they put me into Beacon - !_

And wasn’t there something in his nose? And what was that fast, beeping sound next to him?!

His gaze was darting around in all this uncertainty around him; and he noticed that it wasn’t entirely dark – there was a small spot of light on his right side.

And suddenly, something grabbed his shoulders, and there was the face of a woman in front of him.

“WAAAH!” Joseph shouted, almost falling out of the bed.

“Joseph, ssshhh, sshh, calm down,” the woman caught him in time, and tried to quiet him, “you’re safe here.”

The little light in the room helped Joseph to make out a few features of the woman’s face, and these features were familiar to him -

“Kidman?” he panted.

“Yeah, it’s me,” she smiled weakly, stroking his shoulder. “How are you? You had a nightmare?”

Joseph watched her intently: he remembered that there was something about her, something he didn’t like… But there were more pressing matters.

“Sebastian – where is Sebastian?” he wheezed.

“He’s okay. He’s safe, too.”

“ _Where is he?!”_

Juli frowned. “At home, don’t worry.”

Exhaling, Joseph let his head collapse on the pillow.

 _Thank god he’s okay. He survived this hell._ I _survived this hell -_

“Where am I?” he finally asked in a low voice.

“In the hospital,” Juli answered.

Joseph got up again, with widened eyes -

“Not Beacon, you’re in Krimson Main!” Juli added hastily.

Again, Joseph leaned back, and looked at the small light on his right side: it was a lamp on the night stand next to his bed.

Only now, he realized that he was lying in a bed, an actual bed, three blankets spread over him, a soft mattress underneath his wrecked body, a pillow cushioning his swimming head.

He focused on the lamp light. It wasn’t too bright, and had a sort of calming tint of yellow on it.

The soothing feeling of being able to take a break, to be able to have a breather came over Joseph. Maybe he could even take a nap -

So he closed his eyes.

For the first time in a long while, Joseph didn’t have to worry about Sebastian.

***

Juli woke up from a loud cry, and was startled; since Sebastian couldn’t stay at the hospital due to his daughter, so she had stayed back to look after Joseph, slumbering in a chair next to the window.

She searched for the source of the yell that had sounded a lot like the name ‘Sebastian’, and thanks to the lamp on the night table, she noticed how Joseph was sitting up in the hospital bed.

He was breathing loudly, and trembling fiercely. Immediately, he looked around in the room; apparently, he didn’t find anything, and attended to the several tubes at his body.

Or rather, he panicked about it, whimpering like a trapped dog -

That was the moment Juli stood up from her chair, hurried to the bed and grabbed Joseph’s shoulders.

“WAAAH!” Joseph shouted, almost falling out of the bed.

“Joseph, ssshhh, sshh, calm down,” Juli grasped his hospital gown in time and tried to quiet him, “you’re safe here.”

For some moments, Joseph blinked in confusion.

“Kidman?” he panted.

“Yeah, it’s me,” she gave him a weary smile while stroking his shoulder. “How are you? You had a nightmare?”

Again, Joseph was blinking, but managed to look at her a bit more closely.

“Sebastian – where is Sebastian?” he asked with a croaky voice.

“He’s okay. He’s safe, too,” she answered him truthfully.

“ _Where is he?!”_

Juli was a bit bewildered. “At home, don’t worry.”

Breathing out loudly, Joseph sank back on the mattress like a heavy rock.

“Where am I?” he then wanted to know.

“In the hospital,” Juli replied.

Joseph shot up again, eyes wide open -

Somehow, Juli was sure why he reacted like that. “Not Beacon, you’re in Krimson Main!”

Joseph slumped back, and turned his had to the little lamp next to his bed; it seemed as if this finally calmed him down, and after a minute or two, he fell back into sleep.

The door opened suddenly, and a night nurse entered the room.

“We received an alarm due to his raised heart monitor,” she explained.

“He had a nightmare, but he’s okay now,” Juli said, and sat back down on her post at the window.

The nurse checked on the patient nevertheless, because his IV and respirator tube were a bit messy, so she put them into order; Joseph’s pulse was stable again, according to the steady beeping of the heart monitor.

After the nurse left, Juli pulled her jacket a little tighter around her shoulders and looked at her watch; it was around 1 am, and so it was chilly.

She crossed her arms, but placed some of her fingers on her chin, in a musing gesture.

What had been going on with Joseph right now?

From her observations, Juli concluded that Joseph must have been asleep, despite moving, talking to her and having his eyes open.

Now she recalled, and Juli hoped that she remembered it correctly, that Joseph hadn’t been conscious since they had entered Beacon Hospital. Myra’s goal had been to make Joseph survive, but her help had only gone that far; that had already been hard enough, so she hadn’t been able to also look after the rest of his state.

So there was a good chance that Joseph was mentally still in Beacon...

***

The next few days, Joseph would sleep most of the time; he would only wake up to drink a little or eat one or two bites, and would hardly speak. But he looked better day after day.

Juli stayed by his side, though at some point, she also had to take care of her own things.

When Joseph was awake, and she was at the hospital, he wasn’t very responsive: He would stare at her, through her, in the end not recognizing her, and it appeared as if he was still in his own dream world. It was obvious that a proper conversation with him wouldn’t be possible for some time.

“How odd,” Sebastian remarked during one of his daily visits, “despite him having been unconscious for so much time, Joseph is still sleeping.” Joseph was unfortunately always asleep when Sebastian came to the hospital.

At least Joseph didn’t have any more nightmares. Juli had told him about the one from the other night, when he had woken up by yelling ‘Sebastian’ into the night.

Juli nodded. “I talked to his doctor. She said that other patients who had been in STEM showed the same behavior, so it’s not that unusual. It seems they can’t differentiate between dream and reality.”

Sebastian was sitting in Joseph’s room, in the chair that was otherwise occupied by Juli. He would usually stay for some hours, watching Joseph. Sometimes, Joseph would open his eyes for some moments, looking directly at Sebastian for some seconds, but just as with Juli, he wouldn’t really see him.

Again looking at Joseph, Sebastian had his jaw propped in his fists supported by his elbows, and his gaze would wander between Joseph and the glasses he had brought him the day after they had found him.

These were Joseph’s spare glasses. Years ago, when Sebastian had believed Joseph wasn’t just missing, he had gone to his supposedly dead partner’s flat to get some of his things, the glasses among them. He had picked these things up because he had wanted to keep some memories of Joseph -

But then, Sebastian had stuffed the box with Joseph’s belongings into his bedroom closet, and hadn’t touched it since then, the memory of Joseph being just too painful. Only when he had searched in it for that one picture from the picnic to show it at the registration office along with his daughter, he would look into it for the first time. And now, since he had heard that Joseph was still alive, he had to do that anyway, because due to his drinking, Sebastian finally needed these things to have more memories of Joseph back again...

The older man had fished the glasses out of the cardboard box, which was surprisingly without any scratches after such a long time at the bottom of the box. They had a thin matt-grey metal frame and were a bit bigger than Joseph’s horn-rimmed ones. Since Joseph was always asleep, Sebastian had left them at the night table, but it seemed they had never been worn, or even noticed. Apparently, even the hospital staff hadn’t bothered so far to put the glasses on their patient’s face.

Sighing, Sebastian got up from his seat and went to the bed. When Joseph was awake, he would often complain about being cold, although it was summer. They had put him under two wool blankets and a thick duvet, slumbering quietly and with a normal heartbeat, so Sebastian tucked him a bit more in, pulling the blankets up to Joseph’s chin.

“It all reminds me so much of when we found Lily,” he said, petting Joseph’s hair gently.

Sebastian would have liked to kiss Joseph, but he didn’t want to overdo it with Juli in the room; it was hard, though, with Joseph lying there as something like a broken porcelain doll. He wanted to talk to him about certain things, shower Joseph with all the – sometimes confusing – feelings he had for him - But after Juli’s reaction when they had rescued Joseph, Sebastian had contained himself for the younger man’s sake.

And he was kind of right about Juli: she raised her eyebrows at the sight of the tender scene in front of her, though it wasn’t the first time she witnessed it, wondering if Sebastian’s gentleness towards Joseph was the same one he had towards his daughter.

\---

On one of these days, Juli and Tatiana went to Sebastian’s place, as usual before they would visit Joseph again. The nurse had volunteered to babysit Lily as long as Sebastian would go to the hospital and had to leave his daughter at home.

“I want to go and see uncle Jojo!” Lily complained at the sight of Tatiana. It wasn’t that she disliked her babysitter, but she was tired of not being able to visit Joseph.

“Another time, Lily,” Sebastian exhaled, “uncle Joseph is still not very well.”

“How about we go to the playground?” Tatiana proposed so that Lily wouldn’t be too disappointed.

Slouching on the big couch, the little girl hesitated; she was aware that Joseph was still very sick, her father had told her often enough. So it wasn’t of much help to her to argue for too long.

“Okay,” she finally agreed, not even trying to hide her frustration.

“We come with you to the playground for some minutes,” Juli said.

Sebastian glanced at her; the playground was in the neighborhood, and Krimson Main was in the opposite direction, but he didn’t mind. He wasn’t sure if Joseph would be awake anyway, and getting some time later to the hospital probably wouldn’t make anything worse.

There were already some children at the playground, and Lily squeezed Sebastian’s hand a bit more when they arrived there. It wasn’t the first time she would meet other children and play with them – she had done so during their beach vacation sometimes – but she was still nervous and shy about it.

After another moment, she recognized one or two of the kids she had already played with, let go of the holding hand and ran towards them, Tatiana behind her.

Juli wanted to take that chance and placed her hand on Sebastian’s shoulder from behind. “Seb? Can we sit down and talk before we go to the hospital?”

“Yeah, sure. What about?”

“- About Joseph?”

Gulping, Sebastian nodded. His gut feeling had let him expect something like this.

They passed the playing children and sat down at one of the wooden picnic tables and benches, a table between them.

The older detective was closer to the playground, leaning back on the table with his forearm. He was facing away from Juli and observed his daughter like a hawk, but also had Tatiana in his vision.

“I always wonder,” he started, “what kind of work Tatiana is doing.”

“Why don’t you ask her?” Juli put her elbows on the table to support her chin on her hands.

“I would like to, but – she still creeps me out sometimes. She was totally different in STEM, and now, she seems like a normal person...”

Juli chuckled. “And yet, you let her handle your daughter.”

“If Myra had trusted her so much, I shouldn’t doubt her judgment in people.”

The young woman wasn’t sure how to reply to that, so they stayed silent for a while.

“What will _you_ do now?” Sebastian suddenly asked, turning towards her.

“To be honest, I have no idea. At the moment, I help the KCPD with resolving the Mobius stuff, but I’ll see what I will do in the future.”

She knew what would happen in the near future, but she didn’t have to give Sebastian any more worries that he already had with Lily and Joseph.

“But anyway, as I said, I want to talk with you about Joseph,” she changed the subject.

Sebastian turned away again. “Then talk.”

“Well, how do I say it,” Juli scratched her head, “I never thought you are _that_ kind of guy...”

“What kind of guy?” Sebastian growled, moving his head a bit towards her.

“- The guy who likes other guys..?”

Sebastian returned to watching Lily. That remark shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but he was still a bit scandalized. “Tsk – I don’t like other guys, it’s just – it’s just Joseph, somehow...” He swallowed.

So Juli’s speculations were confirmed. “Did –“ she had a difficult question on her tongue, “did you and Joseph have an affair before Beacon? I mean, after Myra had disappeared?” Even if they had been fighting so much, an affair was a possibility.

Perhaps it was even one of the reasons why they had had so many fights -

“What?! NO!!” Once again, Sebastian had turned towards her, protest in his face. “And even if, why’s that your business?!”

Juli stared down at the table and made circles on it with her index finger. “Of course it’s none of my business. It’s just – you were married with a woman and had a child with her, so it’s quite surprising how much you’re interested in Joseph now, a man, and I would like to understand. Don’t forget that I mostly saw you two arguing.” She paused. “But if you don’t want to speak about it, then that’s how it is.”

Looking down at the grass in front of him that surrounded the playground, Sebastian reconsidered. He had never talked to anyone about his feelings towards Joseph; there hadn’t been any point in it, since the younger man was supposed to be be dead, and all the significant persons he would have talked about it had been gone -

“I know it must appear odd, but – seeing Joseph _that_ way was a surprise to me, too,” Sebastian replied in the end, “only, it was – too late.”

“- When you thought I had shot him dead?”

“Yeah, about that time. I was of course busy with trying to survive, but it hit me after I managed to get out of Beacon.”

They didn’t say anything for a few moments. Juli waited and gave Sebastian time to think, before she inquired: “But how – how come you didn’t notice that? It didn’t just happen over night - ?”

Sebastian’s gaze was still fixed on Lily; the girl had found some playmates and laughed with them, clambering up the ladder to the slope.

He took a deep breath. “You know, when I was at home with Myra and Lily, or just every time I saw them, they made me so happy. And then, when I left for work and met Joseph, there was the same happiness again – but I didn’t knew what it meant. Or, let’s say, the moment I wanted to think I might – be in love with him,” Sebastian sighed heavily, “I didn’t dare having that thought. After all, I was married to a woman and had a child, right?”

“Hmmm...” was Juli’s only response.

“Joseph was always there for me. As my best man during my wedding, when Lily was born – he was part of my family, and I treated him as such - at least I thought I did. He was there for me after the fire, during the funeral, when Myra had left me, when I drank myself into trouble -“ Sebastian touched his forehead as if in pain, “he was always there for me, always, and at the end, I treated him like shit… And on top of that, I couldn’t even protect him in STEM.”

God, how much he had missed Joseph. God, how much he _loved_ Joseph.

“But – don’t you think this is all about feeling guilty? That you just want to make amends for everything you did to him, and that you want to protect him now that you are out of STEM? Maybe you’re just confused due to all of this?”

His head spinning with hurt and anger about himself, he glared at Juli. “Yes, I want to make amends, and yes, I want to protect him now that I can, _but I’m not confused about Joseph._ “

Juli didn’t flinch. “And Joseph? Has he ever – said anything to you?”

Sebastian blinked at that. He couldn’t tell that – “No. I don’t know what he – thinks about me.”

“What are you going to do then?”

“- Nothing, at least for the moment. I only want him to get better.”

\---

That day, they didn’t have any luck with Joseph being awake after their discussion; Sebastian was relieved about it, because he was still very agitated by what they had talked about; he didn’t knew what he had done with Joseph after that -

“He might sleep a lot,” his doctor reported, “but this morning, he was awake for a few hours. He didn’t say much, but he’s getting better.”

The doctor would be proven correctly: a week into his hospital stay, Joseph had managed to keep his eyes open since noon.

Juli and Sebastian stood in the door frame and discovered Joseph, lying in the bed, leaning on a huge pillow in his back. The IV and respiratory tube were affixed on him, but at least Joseph didn’t need a heart monitor anymore.

Joseph still looked terrible: thin, pale, and his eyes and cheeks sunken in, a beard shade around his jaw. Apparently, it was very strenuous for him to be awake.

Squinting at the two persons at the door, he asked huskily: “Sebastian? Kidman? Is that you?”

Sebastian wasn’t able to utter a word, so Juli had to answer: “Yes, Joseph, it’s us.”

She encouraged Sebastian to walk over to Joseph. The older man had a dry throat, and began to stumble on wobbly legs to the bed.

He arrived there, and Joseph looked up to him, a weak smile around his mouth, and a hint of joy in his face.

“Sebastian - “

Taking a deep breath, Sebastian choked: “Hello, Joseph -”

He had longed so much to see Joseph, to speak to him, to close him in his arms -

And now, after all their ordeals, everything failed Sebastian. But he also didn’t want to overdo it like back then in the factory -

The patient in front of him didn’t do anything either; Joseph was too weak to stir. He sighed, too exhausted to start a conversation, and too happy for it anyway.

So Sebastian made the next step: he pressed his lips together and seized the other man’s hand in his own, stroking its back with his thumb, as he had done so many times when Joseph was unconscious.

The touch startled Joseph, and he shrugged his shoulders unvoluntarily; this sort of kindness from Sebastian was unfamiliar to him.

No, it was familiar, because he had dreamed about it a few times lately.

Or hadn’t that been a dream - ?

Anyway, he wasn’t against it happening.

Joseph’s confusion grew even bigger when Sebastian bowed down and embraced him with one arm, while hiding his face in Joseph’s neck.

Swallowing his puzzled feelings down, Joseph was the first to break the silence: “I’m so glad you made it out of Beacon.”

At first, Sebastian was a bit alarmed by Joseph’s statement; but then, the man was probably still sick. “ _I’m_ so glad we found you, partner.” Tears were prickling in Sebastian’s eyes.

Sebastian let go of Joseph and hastily rubbed his eyes before the moisture in them would be too much. He sniffed, though, and didn’t let go of the hand.

Juli positioned herself at the foot of the bed, so as to not disturb the intimacy between them too much. “Hi, Joseph,” she waved at him.

“Kidman… you got out of there, too.” There was again that uncertainty about her, though he couldn’t put his finger on it. Something was wrong with Kidman, but he couldn’t remember what it was -

Maybe he could brood about this later; Sebastian was here. “So, this wasn’t a dream after all. I always knew that I was lying in a bed, even in a hospital, but I thought that I was just dreaming that Juli and you were here.”

“The doctor told us that you might have problems distinguishing between dreaming and being awake,” Sebastian mentioned.

“How did you find me? What exactly happened?”

“ - That’s a very long story,” Juli prevented Sebastian, who had already opened his mouth, from giving something away; it seemed that nobody had revealed anything to Joseph until now. “You should rest.”

Sebastian eyed her skeptically, but perhaps they really shouldn’t wear out Joseph too much.

Fortunately, Joseph was in favor of resting. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I wish I could at least see you properly – I suppose my glasses got lost in all the chaos.”

“Look, I got your spare glasses there,” Sebastian indicated at the night table.

Joseph turned his head towards where Sebastian had showed him. “Oh, you went to my flat to get them?”

“Er, yes -”

“You shouldn’t have...” Joseph tried a chuckle. He lifted his hand, but didn’t came too far.

It broke Sebastian’s heart to see Joseph like this. The younger man had always been the fitter and more sportive one of the two: he wasn’t smoking, he wasn’t drinking – not too much, to Sebastian’s knowledge – , he was always careful about what he ate…

And now _this._

Before Juli crossed to the table to give Joseph the glasses, Sebastian practically jumped to the other side of the bed where the night table was.

“Wait, let me help you,” he assisted.

He grabbed the glasses carefully and put them gently on Joseph’s nose, Joseph adjusting them with quivering fingers.

Finally, he was able to see the whole of Sebastian. He recognized his amber eyes, the mild smile –

And again, Joseph was baffled: Sebastian presented this side of himself usually only to Myra – well, back then, when she was still with him. Or to Lily, when she – But Sebastian would hardly do so with Joseph...

There was also something strange about Sebastian. Without really wanting to, he raised his arm and touched Sebastian’s face with his fingers, nearly cupping the older man’s cheek -

Spooked a little by that gesture, Sebastian tried not to twitch at it; a moment ago, Joseph couldn’t put his glasses on, but now, he was literally reaching out to him.

Moved, Sebastian smiled, his gaze locked with Joseph’s.

“You look so old,” Joseph suddenly exclaimed, furrowing his brows. His own voice made him realize what he was doing right now.

He retreated his hand, blushing a little. “Sorry, what am I thinking -”

Sebastian closed his eyes. “A lot of things have happened the past few years.”

“Years?” Joseph’s face darkened. “How many years have I been gone?”

Sebastian hesitated. “More than three years - ”

Now, Joseph’s muscles – the few that were still working – tensed. “Three years... _More than three years - ?!_ ”

His whole body cramped and began to shake more and more fiercely, his eyes rolled under his lids, and his back arched into an almost dangerously uncomfortable posture, pressing the pillow into the bed -

 _“NOOOOO - !”_ He led his hands to his head, hiding his face behind them, and began to cry.

“JOSEPH!” Sebastian and Juli yelled simultaneously. Sebastian grabbed Joseph’s shoulders – which was difficult – to hold him down. “ _Joseph, calm down! Everything will be alright -_ “

“I’ll go to get a nurse!” Juli provided, and ran out of the room.

“AAAaawwr - “ The young man stretched himself out on the bed, sobbing uncontrollably. Sebastian pushed Joseph carefully down with his body to stop him from possibly hurting himself.

“Shh, shh, it’s alright, it’s alright, shh” Sebastian cooed into Joseph’s ear, but the patient probably didn’t hear him, howling madly into his hands.

A nurse and a doctor rushed into the room, Juli behind them; they made Sebastian release his grip form Joseph, and ordered him and Juli to get out.

\---

Juli and Sebastian were told to stand by in the waiting room outside the intensive care unit where Joseph was lying in.

The older detective took his cell phone out to call home; he asked Tatiana if she could stay over night with Lily.

“It’s Joseph,” he explained, “he’s – not feeling very good.”

“I understand,” the nurse answered, “I don’t mind looking after her for the night, but Lily will be sad. Would you like to talk to her?”

Sebastian pressed his lips together. “No, better not,” he said, “but please tell her that Joseph is very ill, and that I have to look after him for tonight. She loves her uncle, so I’m sure she understands.” At least he hoped so.

After wishing Tatiana and his daughter a good-night, Sebastian put his phone back into his jeans pocket. He then crossed his arms, leaning against a wall -

 _Why didn’t_ _I_ _shut up?!_

Why did he have to tell Joseph, though only partially, had been gone for years? Joseph hadn’t been ready for all of this, he should have known better -

The whole night, Sebastian wasn’t able to close an eye. Not only were the seats in the waiting room too inconvenient to sleep, his worries and self-reproach made him pace around often enough, almost furiously swearing at himself and his stupidity.

Juli was sitting in one of these uncomfortable plastic stools, her jacket bound around her shoulders. Every now and then, she would doze off due to her tiredness from the last days, but would wake up because of Sebastian’s restlessness.

They were allowed to see Joseph again the next morning.

A freeze went through both Juli and Sebastian when they spotted their friend: Joseph was unconscious, lying flat on his bed, his arms and hands above the blankets. The clip for the heart monitor was on his finger again, controlling his pulse, and the glasses were again on the night stand.

Joseph’s doctor was with them. “We had to give him a sedative,” he said, rustling through some forms, “he woke up two or three times during the night, either crying loudly, or tears just running down his face.”

Sebastian’s stomach twisted at that, but he came closer to the bed nevertheless, to have a short look at the patient; but too exhausted, Sebastian seated himself on the chair close to the window after a few seconds, shaking his had.

“Damn, he looks even worse than when we found him,” he groaned.

“What happened to him yesterday?” Juli inquired.

“We hope _you_ could tell us,” the doc wondered, “you worked with that organization, right? Maybe you can explain to us what these machines and programs did to him? We have some other patients who also had been in that – STEM and showed the same symptoms. So far, we consider that this STEM damaged his brain, mostly his psyche.”

Juli shrugged, taken aback. “I can only tell you that STEM never really worked, so it often corrupted people’s minds. That’s why nothing ever worked and went down the drains in the end. I know how to handle the computers, but nothing more - ”

 _“Can’t you just help them with that stuff?!”_ Sebastian moaned.

Rolling her eyes, Juli knew that she should comply to Sebastian’s order, not plea, though she wasn’t sure what she could actually do. “Alright, if you show me his records, perhaps I am able to give you some advice.”

She accompanied the doctor out of the room.

Returning about an hour later, she discovered Sebastian finally snoring in the chair.

But when Juli closed the door, despite trying to do so as quietly as possible, he woke up.

“Were you able to do something?” Sebastian mumbled immediately, rubbing one of his eyes with a fist.

“I’m sorry, Seb,” she replied, “Joseph’s papers didn’t make any sense to me, it’s like looking into STEM again, from outside. They have a STEM computer here, but it wasn’t the one Joseph was connected too. “

Juli watched Joseph for some moments, her guilty consciousness nagging in the back of her mind. “It might be an aftermath of STEM, since Joseph was in an older version of the machine. But I also told his doctor as much as I could about him, before the Beacon incident.”

Sebastian exhaled, staring down at the grey floor, aware of what she was implying.

“Joseph might develop a severe depression,” Juli concluded.

The older man kept silent for a while.

“If this is how he reacts to his coma,” Sebastian began, “how are we supposed to tell him about Mobius and STEM? About Myra, and Lily? Thank god I didn’t brought her here -”

“I will tell him about Myra and Mobius, since it’s all my responsibility -”

He gulped. “I want to tell him about Lily, but not now, not like this -”

Then, he bowed forward, hiding his face behind his hands.

“I don’t know how to handle this – When Lily has a nightmare, I comfort her, hold her and talk a bit to her, and then everything seems to be okay. But I don’t know how I can handle him, this situation, too… I usually drowned my problems in whiskey.”

“ - Maybe you could support Joseph just the way you support Lily.”

Sebastian looked up to Juli. “Very funny -”

“It wasn’t meant as a joke. You – “ How could she express that? “Care a lot about him.”

Sighing, Sebastian let her statement roll through his mind. He couldn’t treat Joseph like his child, though the younger man was reduced to one at the moment with his crumbled health.

He stood up and went to Joseph’s bed, examining his friend.

Joseph’s eyes didn’t just have violet rings underneath them, but were also red and puffy now from all the crying. Sebastian detected the wrinkles, and remembered how he had noticed them once before Beacon Hospital.

Back then, it was maybe the only time Sebastian realized how harsh he had been with Joseph, but shook it off due to his grief about his wife and daughter, and finding out more about the fire.

“Let’s wait and see,” Sebastian said. “Oh, and one more thing: please don’t tell him – about me, I want to do this myself.”

Juli nodded, smiling slightly.

He hunched a little forward, too sad to not put his lips on the other man’s eyelids. They felt like paper and fluttered for one or two seconds.

Until Joseph slowly opened his eyes -

Fortunately, Sebastian was already standing upright again – hoping that Joseph had missed his display of intimacy.

“Hello, Joseph,” he greeted in a low voice, cheeks a bit warm.

Joseph stared hazily for a few seconds at the older man. “Hi,” he then whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

Joseph needed a few days to recover; he would stay conscious for some hours during the day and night. And though Sebastian couldn’t stay overnight anymore, he made sure as often as possible to be there when Joseph was awake while the sun was still shining outside.

A nurse would usually feed him, but one day, Joseph wanted to try and eat by himself. The hospital gave him chicken soup – the only thing he was capable to stomach – , and a nurse stood by to assist him, just in case.

But Joseph had difficulties holding the spoon; his arm, hand and fingers were too feeble to bring the soup up to his mouth. His arm was trembling, so the hot liquid spoiled all over his gown or the small table attached to the night stand.

“Wait, let me help you, Mr. Oda,” the nurse said, coming closer.

The young man let the spoon fall into the bowl, some drops of the soup splattering around. On the verge of tears, Joseph reached with one of his hands up to his forehead, a headache announcing itself by throbbing through his temples.

Sebastian was visiting and had watched the whole scene with a frown. “Let me take over here,” he suggested, “I will help him.”

The nurse eyed him skeptically, but knew the older detective from the many times he had visited her patient.

“Alright, let’s hope you can do better than I,” she smiled at him, leaving the room. She had enough other things to take care of anyway and was glad that she could go about her business.

Standing up from his usual chair-post at the window, Sebastian approached the bed, and half-sat, half-leaned on it. “Come on, Jo, you have to eat,” he urged gently, taking the spoon out of the almost full bowl.

Joseph slumped back on his pillow and put a dull expression on his face. He had been in a coma for three years, he had had a relapse, he was having nightmares, he couldn’t eat by himself, and this often-occurring headache was also driving him mad – everything just kept going worse and worse…

He dropped his arm. “I don’t want anymore,” he choked, at the end of his wits.

“You hardly had two spoon-fulls - “

“I’m not hungry,” was Joseph’s monotone excuse.

“You always managed to eat a little more than the previous day, we should keep it like this.” Sebastian had often been there when the nurse had given Joseph his food.

“Maybe I should take a rest from that pace -”

When Sebastian’s daughter was in the hospital some weeks ago with underweight, he would try to give her a little bit more to eat than the day before, and it had worked more or less until she had reached a good weight. Lily still had problems with eating as much as was appropriate for her age and weight, but at least she was looking _forward_ to eat.

But Sebastian had a notion that there was a different problem in this situation.

“Listen, you don’t have to be embarrassed in front of me,” he began. “You’ve seen and helped me in far more humiliating moments.”

Sebastian had hit the right mark. Joseph’s gaze became unfocused, going from the blankets in front of him to the other man and back.

“I know how much you hate to be dependent on others,” Sebastian continued, “but you’ve done a lot for me, for my family – let me do something for you once in a while.”

Again, there wasn’t much of a reaction from Joseph. He stared in front of him, at his own hands clenching and unclenching, his mouth twitching a bit. The memory of Myra and Lily disturbed him – it all was too much, and it made him feel dizzy.

“You got me out of that place,” he finally uttered.

Sebastian chuckled. “It was mostly Juli who got you out,” he replied, “but – that’s something she will tell you about soon, I guess...”

Joseph blinked, but didn’t say anything. Juli was still a huge variable to him; but didn’t he have dreams about her, even nightmares?

Nightmares about her killing him - ?

Involuntarily, his body jerked at that memory of this dream.

“Hey, you’re okay?” Sebastian gripped Joseph’s shoulder. “You wanna rest? We can try it later, but the soup will be cold by then -”

Suddenly, Sebastian’s behavior irritated him. Why did he have to remind him of his dead godchild Lily, of Myra, who was also very likely not among the living anymore, and Juli? “No, I told you, I’m not hungry.” He crossed his arms to close himself off of Sebastian.

The older man let got of him. He averted his eyes from Joseph and clasped the spoon between his hands on his lap. “You’re probably sad and angry about everything right now, but you have to eat -“

No response from Joseph, except for some louder breathing. If he still had required a respiratory tube and a heart monitor, a nurse probably would have appeared by now.

After some more moments, Sebastian huffed, and added, in a softer voice: “I – I want you to get better, and get your life back...”

_I want you back in my life -_

Joseph couldn’t make any sense of it. Sebastian acted so weirdly, so nice since they had found each other, considering how they had been arguing before Beacon, and Joseph didn’t know what to make of it. Why was Sebastian treating him so gently, as if nothing bad had happened between them?

Not a word about how often Joseph would get him out of a bar brawl.

Not a word about their fights, about Sebastian’s conspiracy theories, the older detective calling him names because of that -

Not a word about how Sebastian had grabbed the scruff of Joseph’s neck and pushed him against a wall -

Should Joseph bring this up or not?

But then, three years have passed since their - ‘difficulties’.

And there were still these stupid, _stupid_ feelings he had for Sebastian -

Another thing that concerned him was the question if he really was awake or still dreaming -

If Joseph really wanted to find out what was going on, he would have to get that damn chicken soup down – and he wasn’t in favor of it.

Joseph’s head was swimming, either from the headache, the bad recollections, or his indecision. He uncrossed his arms again, putting his fists down into his lap.

In the end, he wasn’t the one who made the decision for him – his belly did it by rumbling very loudly.

Sebastian tried to avoid an unnecessary laughter.

Reconciling, Joseph said: “I guess I’ll have some more of that soup - ” Two or three spoons surely wouldn’t hurt.

\---

“I’m sorry I made such a fuss the last days,” Joseph apologized to Sebastian and Juli.

Though still with a pillow in his back, he was finally able to sit up properly in his bed.

Joseph looked definitely better: he had regular sleep, his eyes were vivid, there was a bit of color in his cheeks, and he even tried a smile.

What added to his improved appearance was the fact that his hair was cut short – shorter than Sebastian was used to see him – and he had been shaved. That and the thin-rimmed glasses made his face seem nearly radiant.

But he could use a few more pounds on his ribs, Sebastian thought, grinning. “It’s alright, you’ve been through a lot.” He was glad to find Joseph smiling a little and in a well condition; Sebastian hadn’t seen him this relaxed since before the fire -

“It’s just – when you said that I was gone for three years,” Joseph exhaled, “there was this _pain_ searing through my body, and I felt as if I would turn into that zombie again, like in my nightmares - “

“Oh,” Sebastian scratched his chin, “that explains things, I suppose.”

“But you really look better,” Juli remarked hesitantly.

Giving her a dark glare, the woman was kind of bothersome to Joseph; Juli hadn’t visited him for some days now, leaving the care-taking to Sebastian, and now it was as if she was interrupting them.

Juli was nervous, too. In her opinion it was about time to tell Joseph about Mobius and STEM.

Although Joseph had been in Krimson Main Hospital for some time, he had been sealed off from any news from ‘outside’ due to Juli’s and Sebastian’s intervention, considering his state and reaction to the news about his coma. There was no TV in his room, and he didn’t get any newspapers. Joseph had never asked or questioned anything since he had always thought that his mind was pulling tricks on him.

“Joseph,” Juli started, “there’s something we have to explain you.”

Sebastian turned towards her. “You really think he’s ready for that?”

Joseph frowned. “Ready for what?”

“Well,” Juli fumbled with her hands on the frame of the bed foot, “you should probably know what actually happened in Beacon Hospital.”

“Really – happened…?”

Juli took a deep breath. “It will sound absurd, but – you’ve been kidnapped by an organization called Mobius and put into a machine called STEM. Lots of things went wrong, and that’s why you ended in a coma for three years – though it could be worse, you could be dead.”

Confused, Joseph looked to Sebastian as a resort. “What the hell is she talking about?!”

Sebastian shrugged. “It’s a very short version of the events, but yes, it’s true, as crazy as it might be. We were all kidnapped and put into that virtual reality – we were sleeping, but had a very real dream, running and being chased through a nightmare place.”

“Look,” Juli took her cell phone out and searched for the website of the _Krimson Post,_ the section with the articles about Mobius. She gave her phone to Joseph. “It was all over the news the past few weeks, but they’re not telling everything. We’ll bring you some of the case files of the KCPD, if you don’t believe us now.”

Joseph scanned through the articles for a while, Sebastian and Juli were giving him the time. He read about how some sort of religious cult that had infiltrated a large part of the upper society, the police, the government, and many other organizations. This group had tried to govern all of humanity by connecting them, respectively their minds through a computer system – without this humanity noticing it or wanting to.

As Juli had mentioned, many things had gone wrong: the system was unstable and killed many people, not just inside it, but also in reality. In the end, one person had destroyed the system and the organization by taking over the system’s core, dying in the process.

If Joseph wouldn’t slowly regain his own memories about STEM while going through the news stories, he would have considered them a bad science fiction horror movie.

But there were the pictures in his inner vision, of Sebastian and him fighting for survival against zombies and huge ugly creatures.

Of himself, becoming that monster who wanted to strangle Sebastian with his hands.

And of Juli, who had apparently tried to kill him - ?

Joseph let the phone sink into his lap, covering his ears with his palms while bowing forward. The high-pitched noise that usually preceded him transforming into that – _thing_ was there again, but not only that. A loud laughter permeated his brain, a laughter Joseph knew too well -

Ruvik.

_No, no, this isn’t real, he’s not real -  
_

“ _Joseph? JOSEPH_ _!_ ”

Sebastian was hunching over him, placing one hand Joseph’s his shoulder and stroking the back with the other.

There it was again, that unusual gentleness from the older man.

“Stay with me, Jo -”

“Don’t you hear that sound?!” Joseph asked, still leaning forward.

“You mean that high-pitched one?” Sebastian guessed. “Do you hear that? We don’t hear it.”

Strangely, the words made Joseph’s rattling breathing calm down a bit. This surely meant that the noise was only in his head, and that his current situation in the hospital was at least not a dream, but reality.

“Yeah, it’s that sound,” he wheezed.

It quieted down after confessing that.

He slowly straightened up again, and Sebastian kept one of his arms still slung around Joseph’s shoulder, holding him rather close.

“You okay?” Sebastian smiled at him encouragingly.

“Yeah, I’m fine, more or less. I – I remember everything, or at least I think I do. I always supposed I was knocked or shot down somehow at Beacon Hospital, and all this stuff in my mind were just nightmares -”

“It was one,” Sebastian replied, “but a very real and long one. I also believed you were dead the past three years.”

Joseph warmed up a bit at that. Sebastian’s face almost touched his own -

“What happened to – to Ruvik?” Joseph inquired to focus back on the incredible tale that was unfolded in front of him.

“I’m not sure, but - ,” Sebastian hesitated, “he kind of – possessed the body of that Beacon patient Leslie Withers and fled, but I’ve never heard anything of him ever again.”

So Ruvik was probably still out there, somewhere. But Joseph didn’t want to remember that ghost – too scared of the laughter in his head, the same laughter he had heard while Ruvik would torture him into the zombie in that virtual reality, as Sebastian had called it.

He began to quiver.

“Are you cold?” Sebastian said almost into his ear.

“No, no, it’s just so confusing, that’s all,” was Joseph’s odd answer. “Say, the website wrote about a person who single-handedly destroyed this Mobius group – do you know who that was?”

Sebastian let go of the younger man and stepped back a little.

“It wasn’t one person,” he answered in a low tone. “A group inside of Mobius tried to get out, or tried to make an end of the organization. But it is true that one person was the key to get rid of Mobius,” Sebastian inhaled, “and that person was Myra.”

Joseph blinked rapidly at Sebastian. “You’re kidding. What – how -”

Brushing his fingers through his hair, Sebastian searched for a way to illustrate Myra’s fate. “Myra had discovered that Mobius had been responsible for the fire, and Lily - “ he considered it best to not tell Joseph about his daughter, not at this moment, “but because Mobius was everywhere, she couldn’t make an official investigation. She became a Mobius agent, and her whole plan was to bring them down.”

“So she – sacrificed herself - “

Sebastian gulped. “Yeah, but – it was her wish. To get back at them for Lily.” He hadn’t thought much about his wife lately because of Joseph, but the emotions about her death suddenly tightened his throat.

“Seb, I’m really sorry,” Joseph let his gaze fall, “I have to admit that I always considered Myra was dead some months after she went missing, that maybe she came too near to the wrong people – but this...” He shook his head in his perplexity.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Sebastian said. “I also thought that she was dead for years.”

“It’s rather I who has to apologize,” Juli said.

She stood next to Joseph now. All the while the two men had been talking to each other, she had observed them and hadn’t interrupted them and their intimacy; otherwise she would have felt as if she disturbed them in them in the middle of something -

It was also interesting that Joseph didn’t object to Sebastian’s – attention.

Joseph twitched at Juli’s apology. He had almost forgotten about her during these moments, mostly due to Sebastian’s closeness -

“ _You!_ ” Joseph spat. “You tried to kill me in that place – _twice_!”

Sebastian quirked a brow. “Twice? I saw you shooting him once, Juli -”

“I had to defend myself, you had become one of these monsters that wanted to kill me – like I said, I’m sorry about it, about everything.”

“Everything?” Joseph’s alarm bells were set off. “What do you mean by _everything?!_ ”

Juli drew back a bit. “I – I was also a Mobius agent...”

Joseph’s body started to tremble, rage rising up in him, and closed his fists until his nails dug into his palms.

His mind went blank, Joseph saw only red, as if he was a monster again, the rage making him almost leap at Juli -

“YOU!”

Sebastian caught him just in time, grabbing Joseph’s lower arms away from her.

“Joseph!”

“I KNEW IT! _I_ _KNEW IT_ _!_ I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU DRAGGED US INTO THIS WHOLE MESS - !”

“ _Joseph, she didn’t knew what Mobius was up to,_ ” Sebastian intervened firmly, still holding the other man’s arms.

“That’s true,” Juli replied, taken aback in shock by Joseph’s reaction; she had expected many things, but not _this_. “They took me in when I was still a street kid, so I started working for them,” she hurried, “I realized too late that you, Sebastian, and I were expendable to them. Myra was the one who made sure you two would survive – I managed to get out of my own. So I helped Myra to destroy Mobius.”

“ _It’s all your fault!_ ” Joseph gritted through his teeth, trying to free himself from Sebastian’s iron fists, kicking and thrashing about. “ _Let go of me!_ ”

Sebastian pulled Joseph towards himself, surprised from where the younger man had so much strength. “ _Joseph, l_ _isten to_ _me: she made it up to us, and to Myra and Lily._ _It was her who looked after you!_ ”

“ _How can you defend her?!”_ Joseph’s sight got blurred with tears. “She ruined _your_ life, she ruined _my_ life – she killed Lily, and Myra...” His anger gradually crumbled underneath Sebastian’s determined stance.

“ _Things have changed – Juli’s on our side._ ” That was Sebastian’s last word.

Joseph stopped in his raging. He slowly turned his head to Juli, then back to Sebastian, and repeated this move once more, an idea dawning upon him -

“Ms. Kidman, Mr. Castellanos,” the nurse’s voice boomed from the open door to them, “I think it is better if you go now.”

\---

Exhausted, Sebastian and Juli withdrew into the hospital cafeteria.

They were sitting at a table opposite from each other; Sebastian’s elbows were on the table, his hands clasped together, his forehead resting on them. Juli was sipping quietly at her cup of coffee.

“Sooooo, that went _exceptionally_ well,” she remarked.

When the nurse had entered Joseph’s room, Sebastian had released her patient from his strong handle. Joseph took the chance to lie on his front and to hide his face in his palms, letting his tears finally streaming, his heavy sobs muffled by the pillow underneath him -

Of course, the nurse had seen enough with this; she then had threatened Sebastian and Juli very grimly with the security staff if they wouldn’t leave.

Sebastian huffed loudly, leaning back into his chair. “I’ll go up later and try to talk with the nurse, and maybe with Joseph’s doctor.”

“Joseph’s outbursts are getting more and more extreme,” was Juli’s meaningful reply.

“And with Joseph directly, I have to calm him somehow,” Sebastian added.

Juli smiled weakly. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to support you anymore with him. At least not as much as I would like.”

“Why?” Sebastian took a gulp from his own coffee.

She put her cup down. “Tatiana and I, we will have to face a trial. After all, we were part of Mobius for many years. The KCPD had been lenient to us until now because we helped with the search and the investigations.”

So that was probably also the reason why Juli had been so seldomly visiting Joseph in the past few days. “You have to go to prison?” He couldn’t imagine that, not after all her support.

“No,” Juli’s smile grew a bit wider, “fortunately not. The prosecution told us both that, because we helped getting Mobius down, because we helped with the search etc., we won’t have to go.”

“Mm-hm,” Sebastian nodded, “I will speak for you in court, just tell me when you need me.” He stared into his coffee. “I’m sure Joseph will do so, too, once he’s better and understands everything.”

The woman breathed out audibly. “You’ve done enough for us, Seb.”

“Don’t start me with that.” Sebastian took another sip. “But say, what will you do after all this?” It was maybe good that they finally had some time to discuss these things.

“I’m not sure yet. But I hope I can stay with the police,” she shrugged her shoulders.

They both drank their coffee in silence for a while.

“You asked me some time ago,” Sebastian suddenly said, “if I had a – _fling_ with Joseph,” he still found that idea so absurd, “but what about Joseph and _you_?”

Almost choking on her coffee, Juli had to laugh. “What? You think it was part of my Mobius undercover mission to seduce Joseph? Or even you? HAHAHAAA -” She had to hold her belly.

“Well, no,” Sebastian jerked his head in embarrassment, “but his reaction earlier, when you revealed yourself to him, seemed like that of a disappointed lover - “

Slowly, Juli got her composure back, waving her hand at Sebastian. “No, no, I can assure you that Joseph and I didn’t have an affair or anything. Sorry to disappoint you, but I was never interested in any of you both, if that’s what you meant, because I was mostly occupied with my so-called mission.”

Sebastian had to chuckle at this. “I was also never interested in you.”

“I realize that _now_ , not only because of Joseph, but also because Myra told me later about you -”

The older man stopped in his tracks, his coffee in midair. “How – how was she at Mobius?”

“Oh, true, I never said anything about her,” Juli bowed forward to put her elbow on the table and her chin in her palm, “well, Myra was my instructor there, so to speak. And originally, I was expendable to her, too. But because I survived Beacon, she confessed to me who she really was - ’I observed you in STEM, and you made it out of it alive, maybe we can help each other,’ she said to me. After that, she explained that her daughter had been kidnapped by Mobius, about the fire, about her investigations,” she moved her head in Sebastian’s direction, “and about you.”

Gripping his cup very tightly, Sebastian asked: “What did she tell you about me?”

There was a smile tugging at the corners of Juli’s mouth. “She was watching you. Tatiana was already working with Myra, and she was set on observing you. Whatever Tatiana reported to her, that’s what she would tell me about you.”

Only now, Sebastian placed his cup back on the table. He closed his eyes; he hadn’t heard this much about his wife for such a long time -

So, Myra somehow had always been near him – and not forgotten about her husband, her past, despite _her_ important mission.

He wasn’t able to say anything anymore, a huge lump building in his throat – Now he started to understand why Lily probably wasn’t able to speak about her mother.

Juli touched one of his hands lightly with her fingers. “She thought very often about you – but she also thought very much about saving your daughter. But maybe we should continue this another time -”

A single tear was running down Sebastian’s cheek.

\---

It had been a quite emotional few minutes in the cafeteria. They left it even a little more exhausted than they had entered it -

But when they exited it, Juli halted Sebastian. “Seb, there’s one more thing, since we were at very personal questions -”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Spit it out then.”

“I don’t want to pry, but – I was wondering – if you and Joseph would actually become a couple -”

The older man blushed slightly.

“- what will Lily think of her father being with a man?”

That question came quite as a surprise. Sebastian had never really given this question any thought, too busy with looking after the very man -

But he also felt guilty because he hadn’t looked that much anymore after his own daughter.

“What makes you think we’d become a couple?” he evaded a proper answer.

Juli reminded herself of the tender scene that had been displayed before her eyes earlier in Joseph’s room. “Isn’t that what you want, in the long run? Or are you scared off by Joseph’s state?”

“Like I told you,” Sebastian folded his arms, “for now, I want him to get better. But beyond that -” Sebastian reflected if he should talk to Juli about his own suspicions about Joseph. He also considered about telling Juli that Joseph might be in love with her, despite his current behavior.

“And? What about Lily?” Juli interrupted his musings.

Sebastian opted for not revealing his mind to her. “I don’t know. She loves him very much, so I just hope that she will understand.”

\---

As Sebastian had announced, he went back to Joseph’s room, but of course wasn’t allowed to see him. He met the nurse, and described what happened before she had come into the room.

“I thought as much,” she replied, “this STEM system has done more damage than we had anticipated, and if Ms. Kidman was involved in it like this - “ She shook her head. “So the doctor and I believe it would be better if you wouldn’t visit him for some days.“

Sebastian let his shoulders hang. “But -”

“Mr. Oda should get some rest, and maybe have some time for himself to think,” the nurse fended him off. “But you can call in to ask how he’s doing, that would be okay. We’ve also put him on suicide watch, just to be sure.”

“Is it that bad - ?” Sebastian frowned.

The nurse shrugged with her shoulders. “Better safe than sorry. He hardly speaks when he’s awake, and who knows what all these news are doing to his psyche.”

A little stumped, Sebastian scratched his head. He could only trust in the nurse’s words that it would really help Joseph to be by himself, and since he was watched over -

And besides that, spending a few days with Lily wouldn’t be so bad, and he needed the time for finding a new babysitter for her, since Tatiana wouldn’t be available in the near future.

He could also take a break, take a bit care of himself -

Sebastian had a further idea. There was still the cardboard box with Joseph’s belongings in his bedroom closet; maybe he could do something about them, too -

\---

Some hours after this ‘incident’, Joseph had to speak to his doctor. He was terribly embarrassed by his own doings, but at least they made him open up a little about his bad dreams: how he still would turn into a murderous zombie in them, how he was still trapped in this nightmare world he had been -

“How about we try some medication for you? Something that helps you with these nightmares?” the doctor suggested.

“I don’t know – if it really helps, I take them, I guess.”

“The next step would be a talk therapy. I could arrange an appointment with one of our hospital’s therapists, if you wish.”

The patient grimaced; Joseph never really liked to talk about himself. “No, not now – but I’ll think about it...”

So they only remained with the medication, and the small pills finally showed some impact after a few days.

Joseph actually felt better, the nightmares subsiding to a manageable degree; they were still horrible, but different. It also seemed as if he had his emotions a bit more under control, but he often found himself irritated by the tiniest matters.

He didn’t understand himself anymore; he was always able to keep his cool, even in the worst of situations – damn, even in this place called STEM, as the doctor had explained it to him, at least when he wasn’t a monster. And he hated to be like this, so irrational, like a stupid child crying at everything and everyone that wasn’t suiting his plans. The young man was also aware that he very likely hurt Sebastian and other people around him with his tantrums.

Sebastian – where was he, anyway? There hadn’t been a word or visit from him for days, so Joseph asked the nurse if she knew his whereabouts.

“We thought it best to leave you alone for some time, to reduce the stress they would often induce on you,” she answered while renewing his IV.

“It’s not as if they want me to feel bad,” he chuckled a bit.

“No, but your reaction to Ms. Kidman’s and Mr. Castellanos’ visits were often alarming enough.”

“Well, it’s just – “ Joseph inhaled, “they told me things that were quite heavy for me -”

“See?” She gave him a gentle pat on his shoulder. “It’s really better if you relax a bit to digest these heavy things. We also can take better care of you when you aren’t so stressed.”

Joseph nodded, although not entirely convinced. He wanted to speak with Sebastian, to apologize to him for another outburst.

But mostly Joseph didn’t want to be separated from him; he didn’t want to be alone, not after such a long a dark time – he had already felt quite lonely the last days without Sebastian, and it would probably get worse now.

\---

The nurse finally declared after three more days that Joseph could receive visitors again.

“Hey, Joseph!” Sebastian had taken the opportunity to come to Krimson Main after the nurse had talked to him on the phone. Happy to be with Joseph again, he grinned brightly and carried a duffel bag on his shoulder, which he then set on the foot of the hospital bed.

Joseph was leaning limply into the pillow behind his back, he was unfortunately in a bad mood. His nightmares had worsened due to all the brooding about Juli, Beacon Hospital, STEM and Mobius, as well as his loneliness in the past days, and Sebastian’s cheerfulness somehow made him sick.

So he greeted Sebastian rather flatly: “Hi.”

“You okay?” The grin in Sebastian’s face was replaced by a sorrowful look.

“I guess.” Joseph shrugged his shoulders.

“I was hoping to find you a little better.”

“I _am_ actually better. They’re giving me medication, but it’s still going up and down, but at least it’s not that extreme anymore. At least I hope so,” Joseph replied, not wanting to vent his spleen on the other man too much.

Sebastian showed a mild smile. “Alright, as long as you’re getting well.”

“Listen,” Joseph folded his hands in his lap, “I have to apologize again to you for – how I behaved during your last visit.”

“Joseph, you don’t have to apologize.”

“Yeah, but – I’m afraid that I will have to do that very often in the future...” He pressed his hands together, until they began to tremble a bit -

“The more reason to not apologize all the time,” Sebastian put a full grin on again, “you can save your strength for your health.”

At this, Joseph’s heart skipped a beat. He looked down on his hands, glad to see Sebastian again, and in such a nearly excellent mood – Joseph had to make sure to not influence it in a too negative way.

He nodded into the direction of the bag. “What’s this? I mean, you usually don’t carry stuff with you when you’re here.”

Sebastian gripped the handles of the bag and brought it to Joseph. “I have some thing for you here.”

“For me?”

“I have some clothes for you. Well, it’s some of my sweaters and jogging pants, it would be just temporarily. Is that okay for you?”

Opening the zipper of the bag, Joseph raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, sure, I don’t have any clothes anyway.”

“Good, good,“ Sebastian nodded. “I also have some underwear for you, but I didn’t knew your size – I think I got them too big for you, but better than too small.“

Joseph blinked at Sebastian. “Oh, that’s okay -” He blushed a little at the idea of Sebastian choosing underwear for him.

But wasn’t Sebastian also blushing a bit - ?

Searching around in the duffel bag, Joseph fished out a pair of leather gloves. “What’s this?”

“I went to your apartment some weeks after the thing in Beacon, to get some of your stuff. But I couldn’t save much - “

***

Sebastian was sitting at the desk in his office, staring in front of him into nothingness. He just had absolved another session with the department’s psychologist. Again, he had tried to describe to the man what had happened in Beacon Hospital, but to no avail.

There was an official investigation from the KCPD about Beacon Hospital, but it was kept hush-hush to the public. Sebastian felt drained, as always after such a session. Something more than two months had passed since his horrifying ‘adventure’ in that mental institution. It had been a nightmare, but it had been real – Sebastian himself often enough couldn’t differentiate between them.

Maybe that’s why he couldn’t explain it properly. But he also couldn’t entirely trust this psychologist – what if the guy was also part of the scheme?

He had been in Krimson Main Hospital for a few days after he had made it out of Beacon. His boss had given him some leave then, but after a week Sebastian had returned to work, to keep himself and his mind busy from the awful things he had been through -

He had lost so many people. _Everyone_ was gone now: first his daughter and his wife, then Connelly, Joseph was dead, Kidman disappeared.

Lily and Myra was terrible enough.

Connelly had always been a good sport, he had been a great colleague.

Kidman – Sebastian wasn’t sure what to think of her. She had been working with them, but in the end against them. She almost shot that patient Leslie Withers, but hit Joseph instead -

His hands clasped the end of his armrests tighter, his knuckles whitening. Sebastian was angry at Kidman, but he mostly was grieving Joseph -

_Joseph._

Every time Sebastian now thought of Joseph, his chest was aching in the same manner as when he thought of his wife. Could it be - ?

No, that wasn’t possible. He was straight, and Joseph was a man. It couldn’t be true -

But maybe his heart already was aware of what his mind couldn’t admit.

In his speculations, he noticed a shadow behind the milky glass of his office door: someone was knocking at it.

Sebastian sighed and let his hand run over his face. “Yes, come in.”

The door opened, and a little old lady in an elegant blazer-and-skirt attire entered the room. Sebastian thought he had seen her somewhere.

“Detective Castellanos?”

“Yes.”

“My name is Mary Feldt. I am Mr. Oda’s landlady.”

“Ah, yes, I remember, we’ve met once before, right?” He stood up and offered the lady one of the chairs in front of his desk.

Mrs. Feldt sat down. “Yes, we’ve met in the hall once, when you visited Mr. Oda a while ago -”

“How can I help you?” Though he could guess what she wanted.

“Well, I don’t like to do this, but Mr. Oda hasn’t paid his rent for some months now. I’ve heard that he’s missing, and since you are his partner, I thought I come here to ask you about him.”

Sebastian looked at the black board at one of the walls. There were several posters of missing persons on it: one with Myra, one with Kidman -

And one with Joseph.

“Yes, you’ve heard right, he’s missing, at least officially. I personally believe that -” he gulped, “that he’s dead.”

“Oh, no,” the landlady moaned.

“I don’t really know what happened to him, but I saw him getting shot, so I think he won’t come back.”

The landlady took a handkerchief out of her bag. “I’m really sorry about that,” she dabbed the corners of her eyes dry, visibly shaken, “it’s not so much about the rent. Mr. Oda was a very nice gentleman, always polite and helpful, and a good tenant – What should I do now?”

After a pause, Sebastian said: “How about I’ll get you a coffee and then get you home? There isn’t much I can do for you at the moment.”

\---

About half an hour later, Sebastian drove Mrs. Feldt home, to the building with Joseph’s flat.

The building, an elegant one with light-colored bricks from the early 20th century, was rather near to the precinct, and not in a too shabby neighborhood. Sebastian’s and Myra’s former house had been in the suburbs, but after the fire, they had also moved closer to the center of the town. Sebastian had often wondered how Joseph had been able to afford a place in such a good vicinity, since the rent for their own flat was as high as the mortgage for their house had been – and that wasn’t a small amount.

But then, Joseph had been living alone, he hadn’t had children – though he had loved to spend money on Lily – , so why shouldn’t he had lived in an apartment like this? And Sebastian thought that without any reproof or envy. Well, there was a bit of envy every now and then, but that didn’t matter now.

In the meantime, Mrs. Feldt, who was a proud little lady, had gotten her composure back rather quickly. Sebastian parked the car on the opposite side of the building, and was led directly to the apartment he wanted to inspect -

Mrs. Feldt unlocked the door to the flat and held it open for Sebastian. He entered and went through the short hall to the living room.

It was quite spacious, with a couch and a TV set in the middle, and some bookshelves behind the couch.

There was also a chest of drawers on the right; the dark furniture was overall rather modern, but this chest had an old-fashioned wooden design, which Joseph had bought in an antique shop.

Intrigued by a few things on the chest, Sebastian approached it, examining it. He hadn’t been in this apartment since – what, almost a year? Often, when they had worked long shifts in their office, Sebastian would stay here overnight, sleeping on the couch. So he recognized many things, but some of them were new to him.

A layer of dust was already on everything. On the left side of the chest were pictures of better times: Joseph at the last picnic of the police department, side by side with Myra, Lily and Sebastian. Once, the older detective had had the very same photograph on his office desk, but had broken it, including the frame, after Lily’s death – in a fit of rage, he had destroyed every prove of his happy family time, refusing anything and everything that would remind him of it -

Next to the picnic picture was an older one – a younger Joseph with baby Lily, a few weeks after her birth, probably taken shortly after Sebastian had asked him to be her godfather.

Sitting in a chair in their old kitchen, Joseph was holding the little girl in one of his arms, while Lily was clamping her tiny hand around one of the fingers of Joseph’s other hand. He wasn’t wearing his gloves, he had never worn them with Lily around. Joseph smiled so contented on the photograph – even Lily, in this young age, looked kind of cheerful.

Sebastian suddenly had a small lump in his throat. Joseph’s smile on the picture wasn’t the brightest one, but it was the one he would show most of the time – at least before Lily died. It gave Sebastian a stab in his heart.

He swallowed his lump down and attended to the right sight of the chest. There was a photograph of Joseph’s parents, with Joseph as a young kid among them, in a black frame, two burnt-down incense sticks in a bowl with sand in front of it -

“It’s so sad,” Mrs. Feldt was standing now next to Sebastian, “first his parents, now him - “

Sebastian furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t you know? Mr. Oda’s parents died in a car accident, and he now he got shot -” She put the palm of her hand on her cheek and shook her head.

Joseph had migrated from Canada to Krimson City, to make his police career here, but was originally from Japan, since his parents had been born there. Normally, he would visit them during the Christmas holidays and New Year’s Eve in Toronto, where his parents lived – the only time Joseph hadn’t been around Sebastian and his family.

But last year, he had gone to Toronto earlier than usual -

“Yeah, now I remember – they died some time before Christmas, right?” Sebastian guessed.

“Yes, around mid-December it was, I think.”

So, Joseph had made his usual trip not to celebrate, but to take care of his parents’ funeral -

Desolately, Sebastian stared at the picture and the incense sticks. Joseph had never disclosed his parents’ death to him, and it was also quite unusual to see this kind of – spirituality, if one could call it like that, from his partner.

He had to focus on the task at hand. “How many months hadn’t Joseph paid before you came to the department today?” Sebastian asked.

“It’s now three months,” was the answer. “Why?”

“I will give you the money for these three months, and then you should look for a new tenant,” Sebastian sighed.

“No, no, you don’t have to -”

“Please, there isn’t much else I can do for you.” He paused. “I also want to do it for him.” Though Sebastian was aware that it was a big strain on his bank account -

The landlady hesitated, thinking about the offer. “Alright, let’s talk about this another time.”

“Then I would like to take a few of his personal things, if that’s okay. And the rest you should sell.”

“Yes, yes, take whatever you want, though I probably won’t sell anything, but give it away -”

Sebastian took the pictures from the chest; he also opened its drawers, but didn’t find anything interesting.

He turned to the book shelves. Joseph had a lot of books and DVDs, as well as a few comics and games; Sebastian glanced to the TV, which had a game console underneath it.

But he wasn’t interested in that stuff. Sebastian searched for a photo album, and actually found it on the lowest shelf. It contained different pictures of Joseph as a kid, Joseph with his parents, Joseph with Lily, Joseph with Myra, Joseph with Sebastian –

Thumbing through the album, Sebastian recalled when Joseph had shown it to him; it had been a long time ago, maybe seven or eight years. Joseph had told him that his parents had made this album for him, but had left enough empty pages for him to fill.

It had been one of those rare moments when Joseph would talk a little more about himself. Sebastian had asked about his family in Canada, and when he had to sleep overnight at Joseph’s place, the younger detective had taken the opportunity to speak – Sebastian smiled to himself at that memory.

Sebastian closed the album and stuck it under his arm. He walked into the other hall next to the book shelf, past the kitchen and bathroom to Joseph’s bedroom, Mrs. Feldt following him.

Halting in the door frame, Sebastian frowned; he had rarely been in here, so it felt odd. When he considered how often Joseph had been in his own bedroom, bringing a drunk Sebastian to bed -

The room was smaller than the living room. Again with dark furniture, and there was another chest of drawers at a wall, and double-bed in the middle, the head board on the opposite wall of the door; some dust was on the white linen, but the bed was still tidy, as if Joseph had made it only yesterday -

Why Joseph had had a double-bed? Because it was an ‘heirloom’ from his engagement with Kate – perhaps the last thing Joseph had possessed from that time. He had never explained to Sebastian why he had kept it, and Sebastian had never inquired it, since their break-up had hurt Joseph a lot.

Sebastian jolted himself out of his reveries. He opened the big closet at the opposite wall from the bed foot. The clothes weren’t anything special, mostly white shirts, dark pants, vests, jackets, a coat – the stuff Joseph would wear at work. On the shelf above the clothes were some sweaters; Joseph had worn them every now and then.

But there was also a grey box on this shelf, something like a hat box.

Curiously, Sebastian grabbed it and lifted the lid. Something familiar was in them – Joseph’s beloved gloves, several pairs of them. Sebastian grabbed one pair and cramped it into the pocket of his coat.

His next goal was the night stand next to the bed. It had three drawers; the top one had spare glasses in them; Sebastian had never seen them on Joseph. In the bottom drawer, Sebastian found something surprising -

A teddy bear.

It was a small one, hardly bigger than Sebastian’s large hand, with a brown plush fur. The button in its ear identified it as one from that expensive brand.

He looked again at the framed photograph of Joseph and his parents, and noticed that young Joseph had this little bear in his hands.

And then Sebastian remembered that Joseph had given Lily a similar one, only much bigger. This thing must have been _really_ expensive.

But it had burnt down in the fire, just as his little girl had done -

Ignoring the chest in the bedroom, Sebastian stuffed the toy into the coat pocket with gloves, before Sebastian would choke on his feelings.

“Oh, wait,” he said, moving to Mrs. Feldt, “here’s my business card. Just call me, so that we can talk about the financial things.”

She took the card. “Yes, I’ll think about it.”

They exchanged their good-byes, and Sebastian left the apartment with sad nostalgia in his mind and heart.

\---

Joseph rubbed the gloves between his fingers; when he had started at the KCPD, he had discovered this nice little shop run by an older gentleman with different high-quality leather products. He always had liked that kind of stuff, and because the old man was about to give up his store to retire, Joseph had bought several pairs, to have them for the future.

But now, feeling the fine leather, for some reason Joseph couldn’t identify, it seemed so ridiculous to have them -

“Since I thought you were dead, I only got – very few things to keep as a memory,” Sebastian explained. “I’m sorry that I didn’t get more.”

Sullen, Joseph put the gloves aside; he then got the framed pictures with Sebastian’s family, baby Lily and his parents out.

Raising his eyes in a sorrowful manner, Joseph stared for long moments at the beloved faces.

“Guess I’ll have to visit a few grave sites as soon as I’m out of here,” he said in a bitter tone. Apparently, he had forgotten about not telling Sebastian about his parents’ death.

Nevertheless, Joseph continued looking for the rest. His face brightened for a second when he saw the photo album his parents had made for him when he migrated to Krimson City, and which he later had filled with more pictures, mostly pictures of himself and Sebastian’s family – He had other photographs, too, but had saved them on his work computer; he wondered if that PC still existed.

He then swallowed at the thought of all the cheerful photographs and moments in the album, placed it on the night stand and grabbed the last thing out -

It was the little teddy bear his parents had given him for his fifth or sixth birthday.

Sebastian had observed Joseph’s sadness and wanted to cheer him up, if possible. “You know, I also had a little plush toy that I had kept from my childhood, a little dog,” he noted, “but - “

He shut his mouth, remembering that he had lost the toy in the fire. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to mention that fact to Joseph.

“Did it burn in the house fire?” the younger man read his mind.

So much about cheering him up. “ - Yes.”

“Oh,” Joseph held his own plush bear to his chest.

***

It was early afternoon when Sebastian walked out of Joseph’s flat, but he went immediately home instead back to work; the last hour had been quite a lot for him, bringing all the grief and anger about his whole situation out in him. Although many cases waited for Sebastian on his desk in the department, nobody would miss him there; should somebody else take care of those damn files -

He brought Joseph’s possessions to his bedroom to then search around for a cardboard box to put them in; Sebastian found one in his home office.

Carefully, he placed the things into the box, but before storing it into his closet, Sebastian picked up the teddy bear. Heaving a loud sigh, he sat down on his bed, and looked at it with some sort of dreadful revelation -

Suddenly, Sebastian squeezed the plush toy in his big hand, and led it to his head, which was scrunching up. He bowed forward and placed his face into both hands, crying and sobbing uncontrollably into the teddy bear.

_First my child, then my wife, and now him - !_

After all the years of loss, trauma, and a horrifying experience in the mind of some crazy shit, Sebastian was finally able to cry. All these years, he had drowned his mourning and bitterness in cheap bourbon and beer, often enough in bars. But when he had dug out this toy from Joseph’s drawer, it had already been difficult for Sebastian to pull himself together, and now, the floodgates were wide open.

And it wasn’t just all this sadness that broke itself free. Sebastian’s suspicion about himself shocked him, the realization about what Joseph really had meant to him hit him unbelievably hard. He didn’t understand anything anymore, he didn’t understand himself anymore, his feelings for Myra and Joseph mingling into a Gordian knot. The only clear thing was that Sebastian hadn’t just lost his family, and with it his first true love, but the second one, too.

Sebastian would never be able to tell Joseph that he loved him.

***

It was too much for Joseph. His vision blurred, his head began to swirl, and he crushed the toy unintentionally.

As if it wasn’t shocking enough for him to have been ‘asleep’ for several years; the few belongings that have been left to him made this fact fall onto him like a disaster.

So many of his loved ones had died. So many things from his past had been eradicated -

He couldn’t bear it anymore. The tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he hunched forward to cover his face in his palms, ashamed of crying again in front of Sebastian, ashamed of not being able to control his emotions.

“Joseph - “ Sebastian sighed.

_No, no, not again - !_

Sebastian put one hand on Joseph’s thin and shaking shoulder. “Joseph, what is it? Can I help you?”

Joseph faced Sebastian. “ _WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW_ _?!_ ” he yelled as angrily as a nervous wreck could, “ _I don’t have anything anymore – I lost my flat, my job,_ _EVERYTHING_ _!”_ He wiped his eyes. “ _What am I supposed to do_ _now with my life, my future?!_ _?_ ”

Sebastian grabbed the other shoulder. “Joseph, you just -” He had to find a way to calm Joseph down, to avoid a nurse coming to them. “Concentrate on getting healthy, and strong again, and then we think for something for the rest.”

“ _Healthy? Strong? Look at me!_ ” He desperately gestured down on himself. “ _There’s hardly anything left of me, I’m as meager as a skeleton - !_ ”

“You have to give it time, you already look better -” Well, the young man didn’t need a respiratory tube and heart monitor anymore, that really was something.

“ _And I don’t know about my mind – what if I lost my sanity forever?!”_ Joseph lamented. _“_ _In my dreams, I’m_ _still_ _this monster, and I continue killing you in them, and I kill Kidman, too, and_ _now_ _Myra, and Lily -_ ”

Joseph abruptly stopped in his motions; he ceased to sob, then bowed forward and only baled his fists into his closed eyes, holding his breath.

He was expecting Sebastian’s anger at this, or some kind of ugly reproach, as always when he had mentioned Sebastian’s family; that had been so since Lily had died, and got even worse when Myra had disappeared.

Every time Joseph had tried to talk with his partner about the terrible things that had happened to his wife and child, Sebastian would just get furious at him, insulted him, sometimes even lash out at him – it wouldn’t be better now, Joseph was sure about that, especially when he said he would kill his beloved spouse and daughter in his nightmares. Thankfully, Sebastian wasn’t drunk, so maybe it wouldn’t be _that_ bad this time -

But instead of a storm of rage by his friend, Sebastian wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on Joseph’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, I know you would never want to do this,” Sebastian said, pressing Joseph gently onto him, letting one of his hands run over Joseph’s back.

Joseph shut his eyes open under his fists. Confused by Sebastian’s tenderness, his throat went dry, and he couldn’t answer at first.

He coughed for some moments, to give a reply.

“Seb,” Joseph uttered in a trembling voice, “I nearly killed you in Beacon, not only in this virtual world, but also in reality - ”

Ah, yes, Sebastian remembered - that had been a whole lifetime ago. “Yeah, but I know that you are a good person, Jo, and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” he jokingly protested, “or Beacon, respectively.”

That didn’t worked immediately on Joseph, who remained tense for some more, some very long moments, until he slowly relaxed under Sebastian’s strong hands, and he dared to whimper into the broad shoulder, not as noisily as earlier.

Sebastian let Joseph cry himself out as much as he needed.

Wait – his hand was touching naked skin, and he could feel the spine, every bone of it -

Peering down on Joseph’s back, Sebastian finally could see that the man in his arms wasn’t wearing anything more than a hospital gown.

Damn, he wasn’t even wearing any underwear, no underpants –

The older man blushed a little. In all the commotions around Joseph’s problems, no one had given him proper clothes, and Sebastian had thought of it only just now.

No wonder that Joseph was so devastated: he had lost his home; his parents and other people he loved were dead; he didn’t even have one single fiber to wear on his body; and so he felt not just lonely, but completely alone.

But – Sebastian was still there -

After a while, Joseph’s tears quieted to a sniffling, and he said: “I’m so sorry to be like this, again - “

“It’s alright,” Sebastian huffed, glad to be able to console him, “I’ve got you, partner.”

Joseph swallowed. “And I’m probably smelling terribly,” he croaked, “I haven’t washed for two days -”

That was true. Sebastian could smell how unwashed Joseph was, and the younger man’s hair was grimy and sweaty as well.

Sebastian didn’t mind; it wasn’t an unbearable scent for him - quite the opposite – and how often had Joseph endured the stink of his own sweat and drunkenness in the past - ?

He smiled. “I rather have you alive and smelly, than dead and as a freshly washed corpse at your own funeral.”

Joseph managed to chuckle at this.

Retreating a bit to have a better look at his friend, Sebastian aided Joseph to wipe away some last tears.

“How about a shower?” Sebastian asked.

Joseph fell back on his pillow, he needed a second to recollect himself after such an embarrassing episode. “Yeah, why not -”

“Can you walk? Or should I ask for a wheel chair?”

“No, no, I can walk,” Joseph hurried to say, “ – but not necessarily alone.”

Sebastian shook his head, smirking. “Too proud to use one?”

“Please, I – I want to do at least a few things on my own, even if I need some assistance -”

“Alright, alright,” Sebastian laughed to himself, although he was relieved that the usually stoic Joseph finally could ask – subtly – for help.

The IV was on the other side of the bed, so he walked over there, while Joseph swung his slim legs over the edge of the mattress.

Hesitantly, Joseph put his naked feet on the floor, and slung one of his arms around Sebastian’s neck, and held the IV with the other as support, because his legs were still rather wobbly.

They slowly stalked to the nearby bathroom.

\---

First, they had to take care of the stubble that showed itself on Joseph’s face, so Sebastian went to the nurse for a razor.

“I heard Mr. Oda yelling,” she remarked, “what happened?”

Sebastian harrumphed, placing one hand to his hip. “I brought him some personal things, and told him that he lost his flat, because he was missing and everybody thought he was dead.” He sighed. “He didn’t took it very well.”

“And how is he at the moment?”

“Well, he cried and shouted at me, but I managed to talk some sense into him and calm him down. And now, he would like to shave and take a shower.

The nurse eyed him skeptically for a while. “Okay, I’ll trust you for now with him, since Mr. Oda’s outburst was short. But don’t leave him alone with the razor -”

Nodding, Sebastian waited until the nurse returned with a razor and a shaving mousse.

In the bathroom, Joseph was patiently sitting on the edge of the small bath tub.

“You wanna try this on your own?” Sebastian inquired.

“A plastic razor and foam,” Joseph snorted, “I normally use an electric razor, I don’t even know how to use that old-fashioned stuff. A nurse had always shaved me.”

Sebastian raised his brows. “So, I guess, I’ll shave you then -”

He sat down next to Joseph, and winced a little at the hard tub edge; he couldn’t do this for too long.

\---

After cautiously shaving Joseph, and actually leaving no cut, Sebastian had helped the younger man out of his hospital gown. Joseph put his legs into the tub, but stayed sitting on the edge; he couldn’t stand for a longer time, but he had insisted to wash himself, and was now scrubbing through his hair.

Sebastian leaned against the sink, crossing his arms, and observed Joseph. He didn’t get how Joseph was able to sit on this uncomfortable place, but he was also quite shocked at the sight of Joseph’s thin body.

His gaze wandered from Joseph’s head and moving hands down to every visible bone of his spine, to every visible rib, down to Joseph’s buttocks -

With warming cheeks, Sebastian averted his eyes from all this naked skin. He hadn’t seen Joseph naked for many years -

When the two men had had a long work day, they would often take a shower in the facilities provided by the police department. The shower room hadn’t any cabins with separated walls, so both of them would have a look at each other. Back then, Sebastian hadn’t have any ulterior motive with a naked Joseph next to him, and would usually just chat away.

Later, believing that Joseph was dead, Sebastian had remembered these moments, and had chastised himself for imagining his dead friend nakedly – sometimes giving into these lewd memories, but mostly not.

And now, Joseph was back in his life – broken, but there, and Sebastian should care more about Joseph’s well-being than his own - ‘needs’.

“Have you eaten anything the last few days?” Sebastian asked, and focused back on Joseph and away from these distracting thoughts.

“I try to eat as good as possible,” Joseph replied, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, “but you know how great hospital food is.”

“Shall I get you something? There’s a deli close-by, they have some nice stuff that wouldn’t be too heavy for your stomach.”

“You don’t have to, you already brought me clothes -” Joseph continued to lather his torso.

Sebastian chuckled. “Then I’m not buying it just for you, but also for me, since I’m hungry as well – if that makes you feel better.”

\---

Hours later, Joseph was lying in his bed again, relaxed and asleep on his back. He was wearing Sebastian’s old, but warm clothes, and finally some underwear, that was two sizes too big for him – hopefully, he would eat better to fill them properly.

Sebastian was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, watching over Joseph’s sleep. The younger man’s face looked calm, and perhaps the nightmares would stay away tonight.

He was glad that this outburst went better than the ones before, though still frightening; apparently the medication did its thing.

Seeing Joseph slumbering so peacefully, Sebastian let his reserve down and placed his hand on the younger man’s abdomen. They were alone, Joseph would very likely not notice, so why not? Sebastian enjoyed to touch Joseph after so many years and events.

Sebastian smiled, pleased at Joseph’s stomach still rumbling a bit from the unusual food; he had managed to eat a little more than half of the wrap Sebastian had bought them, and had handed the rest to the older man.

Then, Sebastian intended to take his hand away, but on a whim, he directed his hand slowly up to Joseph’s chest.

His hand rested there for a time. It was so good to feel Joseph’s heartbeat -

Sebastian wanted to tell Joseph. He wanted to tell him so _bad_ _ly_ that he loved him.

But how - ?

The situation reminded Sebastian woefully of when he had confessed his love to Myra years ago. Although she had been shot and hurt badly, it was different back then with her; the woman had been conscious during everything, and mentally quite stable. Joseph was the opposite to that, and Sebastian wanted him to be bodily strong and robust in his mind when he would confess to him -

At that memory, Sebastian sighed and bowed forward to put his ear on Joseph’s heart, just as he had done with Lily some time ago.

_Lily._

He had to tell Joseph about that, too, but considering the reactions he had displayed so far about anything that had occurred while he was in a coma, Sebastian had no idea how to break these happy news to him – what would be the best approach here?

Closing his eyes, Sebastian listened to the heart beating underneath his ear for some minutes. Joseph was breathing evenly, and snored a little. The heartbeat cleared Sebastian’s thoughts for the moment.

_This_ here was important. Joseph was back, and though not entirely well, Sebastian would find a solution for everything – and maybe even with Joseph together.

Kind of tired, he stood upright and took his phone out to check what time it was; almost 6 PM, and he had arranged a babysitter for Lily until 7.

Sebastian stuffed his phone back into his pocked, and leaned down to give Joseph a swift peck on his forehead.

\---

Exiting the hospital, Sebastian went to the parking lot and got into his car; but instead of driving off, he moaned, and let his head down to rest it on his forearms, on the steering wheel. He hated to admit that, but Joseph’s emotional roller-coaster exhausted him utterly.

It wasn’t just his partner’s problems, though. Lily also gave him trouble, not only because of her nightmares, but also because she retreated more and more often from him; maybe that was because he couldn’t take care of her as much as when he got her out of STEM, maybe it’s just because of her age. He wanted his daughter to have an ordinary life, right?

At least the DNA test and her registration was through, which meant that her death certificate was revoked. Now Sebastian could think about sending her to school – or looking for a therapist for her.

Sebastian still didn’t like Lily to speak to a psychologist, not to mention that he didn’t trust shrinks due to his own experiences in STEM. Two of the dozens of psychologists he had been examined by after Beacon, it had turned out that they had been Mobius agents -

Lily wasn’t talking to him about her mother, so why should she do so with a shrink? But then, perhaps she should visit one: last time Sebastian tried to ask his child about Myra, she started to cry and ran into her room -

And so, Sebastian had a sad scenario at Krimson Main, but the same sad scenario waited for him at home.

His drinking habit from the past also took its toll. He wasn’t a fit youngster anymore who could jump around however he wanted to; he had to acknowledge that he was an ex-alcoholic – or rather an ex-alcoholic who was drinking one or two beers a week.

Nightmares were also concerning Sebastian, ironically since they had rescued Joseph. He dreamed about STEM in Beacon Hospital, about Ruvik, about Lily being kept by Valentini, about Myra’s last moments with him in STEM, Joseph being shot in STEM -

Thinking about his partner, Sebastian suddenly regretted his own behavior now towards Joseph. He shouldn’t touch him like that, the man wasn’t there for his own pleasure.

Though Sebastian had enjoyed how tenderly Joseph had touched him on his cheek - He had hardly been able to contain himself to kiss Joseph, when he had embraced him earlier.

Juli’s question came into Sebastian’s mind, as it had very often since they had discussed Joseph. Sebastian contemplated what he liked so much about the young man that he had fallen in love with him; not that he had come very far. Now that Joseph was alive, he _had_ to give this question some thought -

Joseph had a nice figure, Sebastian surely found that attractive. He always had admired Joseph’s level-headed and calm demeanor, that had been quite the opposite his own impulsiveness.

What he had always liked was Joseph’s smile, but that had faded away during the years –

One disturbing reason why he had this interest in Joseph might be that – well, Joseph’s features were rather soft, so he didn’t appear very masculine. Sebastian had wondered if he had fallen in love with Joseph because he might remind him of a woman - ? But then, he had often enough seen him naked in the department’s shower room to be aware that Joseph was a real man.

Myra sprang into his inner sight. The warm feeling about Joseph mixed with the feeling of guilt towards his late wife.

Yes, she was dead, but she had died only weeks ago; Sebastian felt as if he was cheating on her, he was still wearing his wedding band. If he and Joseph would actually become a couple – wouldn’t it be too early for a relationship?

Although – what if he and Joseph _wouldn’t_ become a couple? Somehow, that was an even more troubling matter. Hell, Sebastian didn’t really know if Joseph even liked – guys.

Oh, and what about Lily? Would she be okay in a family, not with mother and father, but – well, perhaps not two fathers, but one father and his man? Wasn’t it possible that this kind of relationship was rather contradictory to a normal upbringing for her - ?

Sebastian sat up; he shouldn’t brood like that over Lily and Joseph, he should finally drive home.

After waking himself by rubbing his eyes with his wrists, Sebastian started the engine, making a decision regarding his daughter.

\---

Before arriving home, Sebastian got dinner from a Chinese take-away – Lily’s favorite, an attempt to make it up a bit to her, though Sebastian was aware that it was a pathetic one.

The little one was happy about the treat, so Sebastian quickly prepared the kitchen table after sending the babysitter off.

He presented a full plate in front of his daughter, and Lily then dug eagerly into her noodles with vegetables.

Watching her, Sebastian smiled to himself. She seemed very content this evening, and perhaps Lily would be more approachable; he wanted to talk with her anyway.

Sebastian put his fork on the table. “I’m sorry that I didn’t look much after you lately,” he said.

The girl gulped her mouthful down, surprised by this reconciliating attention. “It’s okay, it’s because of uncle Joseph -”

“Yeah, but I hope you don’t think I’m leaving you alone?” He reached out and put his hand gently on his daughter’s. “I promised you I wouldn’t do that.”

Lily tilted her head. “You do that because – uncle Joseph needs you, right?”

“Yes,” Sebastian nodded, “Joseph is injured and sick, and he hasn’t anyone who takes care of him.”

Looking up to her father’s face and down to his hand over her own, she hesitated with her answer. “I – I understand, I think.”

The man pat his daughter’s hand. “But – how about you come with me to the hospital next week to visit Joseph?”

“Really?” Lily’s eyes brightened up immediately.

“You behaved very well,” Sebastian suppressed her pouting during the last days for the moment, “and Joseph is better now, so we can give it a try.”

She sprang up from her chair, wrapped her short arms around Sebastian’s shoulders and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Before Joseph had fallen asleep, he and Sebastian had agreed that it might be better to reduce the visits. Sebastian wouldn’t come every day, but maybe every second or third, so that Joseph could process these new impressions and informations he received almost every day.

This was a good opportunity for Sebastian to do something a bit different for Joseph. The day after he had brought Joseph his possessions, he called the nurse to ask her if other people were allowed to see Joseph. Unfortunately, she denied that request, but that didn’t demotivate Sebastian – he would find a way to cheer up Joseph, though he had to change his plan.

Two days later, Sebastian appeared with several balloons, flower bouquets and small packages in his arms at the hospital; he had difficulties to carry them, and almost threw everything on Joseph’s bed or the night stand.

“What’s all this?” Joseph inquired curiously, picking up one if the parcels.

“These are from our colleagues at the department,” Sebastian answered, “it’s all for you.”

Joseph stared at him with widened his eyes. “For me?”

He looked at the presents: the colorful balloons had “Get well soon” wishes written on them, the bouquets were huge, some of them also with wishing cards in them; Joseph lifted the lid of one of the packages, and it had chocolate in them.

Sebastian fetched out a greeting card from his pocket. “Yes. Since you can’t receive more visitors than you already do, the other officers didn’t know if they could do something for you. So I told them that you would be happy about some small presents.”

Taking the card, Joseph unfolded it, and read another time to get well soon, but here, many people had signed the card. Joseph recognized most of the names, although he couldn’t always put names and faces together.

A faint smile showed up in Joseph’s now calm expression. He had forgotten about his colleagues, too busy with his own pain, and he was humbled that so many people were still caring for him.

Joseph lowered his hands and turned to Sebastian. “Thank you, Seb,” he said quietly, moved by this gesture.

“You’re welcome,” Sebastian grinned, “they all hope that you come back to the department.” A feeling of relief went through his heart, seeing Joseph so content.

“Mm-hm,” Joseph nodded, frowning. He wasn’t sure if he would return to the police -

He studied the card again, and noticed that a name was missing.

“What happened to Oscar Connelly?” Joseph asked. “He was with us in Beacon -”

Oh, well, there goes the pleasant mood. Sebastian leaned forward, his hands on the mattress. “He’s dead,” he replied in a low voice, avoiding Joseph’s eyes.

“Really dead? I mean, inside and outside of STEM?”

“Yeah.”

“ - How did he die?”

Sebastian pressed his lips together. “I killed him.”

Joseph blinked. “ _You?_ ”

Sebastian moved away from the bed, and scratched his head. “I had to!” He raised his forearms in a gesture of helplessness. “Connelly had turned into a zombie, he tried to kill me, I had to defend myself – and one thing led to another.”

Fumbling a bit at the chocolate box, Joseph kept silent for a moment. “Well, another grave site I have to visit then.”

“I also had become a zombie,” he suddenly remarked, “why didn’t you kill _me_?”

“Joseph -”

“Seb, I almost strangled you! I remember that much -”

Beaten, Sebastian finally trotted to the window and slumped on the chair there. “Listen, you always managed to go back to your – let’s call it human self, and I was able to help you once with that syringe that I had found. But Connelly – he seemed already lost, and maybe I could have helped him, too, if I had had that syringe earlier.”

Another reason was that – although Sebastian wasn’t aware of that back then in Beacon Hospital – he loved Joseph, but he couldn’t tell him that. Not yet.

“Ah,” was Joseph’s answer, not really convinced.

“I – I didn’t know what to do in that situation, you have to believe me -”

Sighing, Joseph also didn’t know how to react to that anymore.

“Good old, poor Connelly,” he said in the end.

They both didn’t speak for a while. Sebastian had almost forgotten about Connelly, being busy with drinking, grieving, later searching for Lily – and he felt guilty for doing so, considering that he had killed him. He also never had told Connelly’s wife about that, too ashamed for what he had done to her husband; it was something Sebastian had to make up for.

Joseph’s mind was busy, too, busy with the awkward feeling of having survived this whole ordeal, unlike his colleague Connelly. To distract himself a little, he scratched one of the chocolates from the box and ate it, offering Sebastian the sweets, too; Sebastian shook his head.

“Say,” Joseph began anew, “how did you meet Juli again? I mean, since she was a Mobius agent, she certainly wasn’t working for the department after Beacon?”

“Hmmm… She went missing, just like you, by the way. I still have the posters in my office. She contacted me and asked me to -” Sebastian realized that he couldn’t mention Lily now, not in the foul mood they were because of Connelly, “to help her with Myra’s plan. As you have heard, STEM hadn’t worked properly, and mushed up people’s brains. It also had happened with Myra, and Juli asked me to put some sense back into her, to get through with the plan -”

He stopped in the middle of the sentence; he had come here with good intentions, wanting to prepare Joseph to meet Lily, and now everything was in ruins again.

Absentmindedly, Joseph looked into the other boxes, and discovered a bottle of sparkling wine, though one without alcohol.

“How about we have a little drink on Myra, Lily and Connelly?” he suggested, showing Sebastian the elegant green-gold bottle.

Sebastian face brightened a little; at least one of them was trying to keep the cheer up. “I get us some glasses.”

\---

Juli opened the door to Joseph’s room. In the morning, she had called the hospital if it would be okay to visit Joseph. The nurse who usually took care of him couldn’t answer that, but had asked her patient directly, and he had agreed, though uncomfortably.

“Thank you for letting me come,” Juli said, closing the door.

Joseph was sitting up in his bed, frowning. “Well, we’ll see how thankful you will be.”

Juli approached the bed cautiously. “I brought some of the files the KCPD has on Mobius, or rather copies of it, to show you a few things.”

She handed him the three manila folders. The first had the title ‘Beacon Hospital’, the second ‘Mobius’, the third ‘STEM’; and though it was unorthodox, in the last one, Juli had carefully left out every page in which Lily and Sebastian were mentioned.

Immediately, Joseph was fixed on the ‘Beacon’ folder; should he open it - ?

“Back then, with Beacon Hospital,” Juli breathed in, “I was supposed to get Leslie Withers out, I mean, as a Mobius agent. He was meant to be the ‘vessel’ for Ruvik -”

Joseph shuddered almost imperceptibly.

“- and because Ruvik was so dangerous, I decided that it was better to – to get rid of Leslie, as sorry as I was for him. It was the only way to stop Ruvik getting out of STEM.”

“Hmmm...” Joseph stared at the yellow folder, thumbing indecisively through it. Was it a good idea to be reminded of this terrible experience, this mental institution, all the bodies and horrors they had found there, _Ruvik -_

And he was kind of shocked about Juli and Sebastian.

“I don’t understand how easy you can decide to kill friends, or someone helpless,” he snapped. “You’re just like Sebastian with Connelly – you had to defend yourself, you had to safe someone or yourself – you both make me sick, and if I wouldn’t be so weak, I would run away from you two - “

The woman didn’t know at what Joseph was hinting at with Sebastian and Connelly, but she deemed it wise to not ask him about it, at least not for now.

“Joseph, I –“ she fumbled for the right words, if there even were any for this situation, “there isn’t much I can tell you, except for how sorry I am for everything. I never wanted you, Sebastian and Connelly to be involved in this.”

“Sure,” Joseph huffed, throwing the folder on his bedside table. “That’s why you never warned us.”

Juli’s expression darkened. “It was too late for that. I thought it better to _not_ warn you, so that you wouldn’t get even _more_ involved than you already had been -”

“Yeah, whatever,” was the young man’s last word on that.

Next, Joseph attended to the folder with ‘Mobius’ on it.

He went randomly from one page to the other, and saw many pictures of Myra, and a dossier about her while doing so. Often, Joseph would pick up the name Myra Hanson; apparently, she had assumed her maiden name for Mobius.

“What was Myra’s role at Mobius?” he asked.

“She was a high ranking agent and organized STEM projects and experiments. She was also my instructor.”

“To get you into the KCPD?”

“Yes...”

Joseph read some of the pages more thoroughly.

“If she did these experiments,” he said, “did she risk other people’s lives?”

Juli swallowed. “I don’t know – I wasn’t always with her.” She probably shouldn’t admit that, but - “But it is possible.”

“Mm-hm.” It made Joseph’s stomach churn to imagine that Myra would also risk innocent people’s lives like that, though understandably for the revenge of her daughter.

Joseph placed the folder on top of the ‘Beacon Hospital’ one, and grabbed the one with ‘STEM’ on its friend. He opened it to just flip through the pages, and glanced over the photographs, the reports – again, Myra’s name was in some of them.

His gaze lingered at a picture that showed a something like a bath tub placed next to a machine. “Is this were I was – connected to this STEM thing, or system?”

“It’s a STEM tub,” Juli answered, “a person was laid into that tub, and then got connected to STEM.”

Yes, now he could remember: In this nightmare world, Sebastian had found him after having been tossed out of one -

A few pages later, he noticed the picture of something that looked like a metal pipe; it was upright, and with an open lid or door in front. A man, probably one of the police officers in a forensic suit, was standing next to it, so he could make a reference to its size, and apparently, it was big enough for a person, though a small one.

“What is this?” Joseph wondered.

“This was the core of STEM.

“The core?”

“Yes. A person was the core, as in a computer the central processing unit, the main chip; but since STEM was working differently, it needed the mind of a human being to work, and only very few people were eligible for this task.”

“And I suppose this person did this voluntarily, of course?”

“No, obviously not,” Juli sighed. This was going very smoothly, but smoother than she had anticipated earlier. “Anyway, Myra had replaced that person, to destroy Mobius and STEM.”

“Who was that – _core_ person? What happened to him or her?”

"It was a young woman, we couldn’t find out her name, and it was never told to us. She unfortunately died when Myra took over, and we couldn’t identify her.”

Joseph eyed Juli suspiciously. Everything she said was so easily told: people dying here, people being used – as if it was nothing special.

But then, Juli had learned as a Mobius agent to cover her feelings -

His head started to ache from all this heavy input. “How did _I_ get out?” he inquired in the end.

“Myra, I and some others who wanted to get out of Mobius, looked after you. You were put into a separate group of people, for – ‘special’ experiments, though it was actually about keeping you alive."

For some moments, Joseph couldn’t utter much. “So – Myra gave her life for mine...” That fact had almost been erased from his brain.

Crossing her arms, Juli exhaled. “She gave it for many others, even mine.” She paused. “And Myra tried to save as many people as possible; but it wasn’t easy, undercover under the eyes of Mobius - “

They stayed silent for a while; Joseph discarded the folder on the stack with the rest. “Can I keep them? I would like to read them later, because it’s a lot – I assume, they are edited and not the full reports?”

“You know the department’s policy,” Juli smiled a little, “I couldn’t just give you all the restricted information that there is. But as soon as you are back to the police, you will certainly have all access to it.” And she hoped that, until then, Joseph would be more stable for these things.

Joseph turned his head to the window, staring into the few clouds in the blue sky. “I would like to go outside.”

Juli brightened up a bit. “Can you walk?”

“Yes,” Joseph faced her, “though I’m not allowed to go far. Maybe to a bench in front of the hospital.”

\---

The front of the hospital was something like a little park: it was green everywhere due to a lot of lawns and many blooming trees, and benches were scattered around the place. And since it was a late and warm summer day, everything looked very beautiful and calming.

Joseph and Juli had their arms linked. She supported him with the walking, because he was still very feeble; Joseph’s unlinked arm was shoving the IV beside him, that was inserted in his inner elbow.

She assisted him to – quite cumbersomely, since Joseph’s legs weren’t used to bend his knees like this anymore – sit down on the dark wood, and then joined him on the bench.

Closing his eyes, Joseph turned his face towards the sun and enjoyed the light, warmth and the fresh air.

Juli let him have some time for himself, but she also needed the time for herself.

As long as Joseph was okay, everything was fine; he hadn’t cried, he hadn’t yelled at her, he didn’t have an outburst. But his sharp comments had hurt her more than she liked to admit.

Of course, Juli was aware that it wasn’t Joseph’s fault: STEM had taken its toll, and the depression, despite the medication, was also working on him.

Although it puzzled her how direct Joseph now was. She recalled the image of a rather quiet, pensive and rational detective Oda before he had been dragged into Beacon -

What was really difficult for Juli was how he had talked about Myra. Yes, she had risked lives, but she couldn’t save everyone – and Myra had berated herself the most, as Juli had discovered after getting to know the woman better. Joseph was probably very confused by her behavior – rescuing some, risking others.

“Juli?” she heard Joseph calling.

“Hmm?”

“When you attacked me with that axe, and when you shot me,” he sighed, “I really thought I was dying, or that I was already dead.”

Juli nodded in comprehension. “I hated to – ‘kill’ you with the axe, and I also believed that you were dead. You can imagine how surprised I was to see you running along with Sebastian.”

Joseph didn’t respond; all of a sudden, a streak of jealousy went through him.

“But when you ran into my shot, I wasn’t afraid that you had died – you had survived my first ‘killing’, so apparently you were either too strong to die in STEM, or you were not meant to die there. Later I found out that Myra was holding her protecting hand over you.”

Silence again, this time even longer. One moment, Joseph couldn’t stand the idea of Myra being part of Mobius; the other, he felt survivor’s guilt, and regretted thinking so malevolent about the woman who endured more than a lot and death to get him through this hell -

He didn’t want to brood to much on it; his temples were throbbing too strongly.

But since Juli had mentioned Sebastian, the jealousy wouldn’t leave Joseph.

Just like the hooded figure he could see in the corner of his eye -

Somehow, it prompted Joseph to his next question: “Say, this probably doesn’t belong here but – are you and Sebastian a couple?”

Juli shook her head for a second in astonishment; that was unexpected, but she began to chuckle nevertheless. The amount of affairs she was supposed to have in this trio - !

“I and Sebastian?! No! He -“

She stopped herself just in time; Juli recalled what Sebastian had told her about his feelings for Joseph; if the young man only knew… But she also remembered the promise she had given Sebastian.

“Yes?” Joseph waited.

“ - He’s not my type, and I’m not his. How did you get the idea we were together?”

Joseph gazed coyly to the ground. “I don’t know, but – it’s just,” he took a breath, “since you found me, you always behave like you have a secret.”

For a moment, Juli reflected on this. It made kind of sense that Joseph would ask something like this, because in his eyes, Juli and Sebastian had partly acted similar in STEM; Joseph had spent three years in a coma, in which who knows what happened outside of his brain.

Trying to show that she comprehended, Juli smiled slightly. “We are so secretive because Sebastian and I, we have a surprise for you.”

“Another one?!” Joseph stared at her. “I’m not sure if I can handle another surprise -”

“Hey!” they heard Sebastian’s deep voice.

Juli and Joseph turned to where they had heard him from.

Sebastian approached their bench, waving his hand in greeting them.

“Good to see you outside, Jo,” he laughed.

The addressed one blinked; Sebastian’s happy face made his stomach flutter.

Despite that, Joseph answered monotonely: “Yeah, but I think I want to go inside again.”

“Oh, okay...”

Sebastian and Juli helped Joseph getting up from his seat. This time, he linked his arm Sebastian’s, since the older man had offered it.

“Did you two talk about STEM?” Sebastian asked on their way to Joseph’s room.

“Yes,” Joseph replied, “we talked about Juli, about Myra -”

“Mm-hm...”

“And Juli also told me about the surprise you want to give me.”

Sebastian looked perplexed at Juli. “Surprise?”

“You know,” she grinned a bit, “the _little_ one?”

He needed a while, but then Sebastian grasped the idea. “Ah, yes, _that_ one – I plan on bringing it tomorrow.”

Originally, he had wanted to come with Lily today, but Juli had convinced him to let her discuss Mobius and STEM with Joseph before bringing the little girl back into his life. Maybe it was good to confront Joseph with heavy things, and then give him some joy – at least he had taken what Juli had said to him rather calmly, considering the earlier times.

Confused, Joseph glanced back and forth between Sebastian and Juli; he started to hate how these two shared secrets together and left him out of them...

\---

Joseph climbed quite laboriously, and with an unusual groan from his throat, onto his bed, sitting on the edge; he had been outside for not even 15 minutes, but this walk had costed him so much strength – as if he was an old man in a retirement home, but one who needed extreme care.

“You okay?” Sebastian worried, touching his upper arm lightly.

“Yeah, I’m only tired,” Joseph tried a smile.

He lifted his legs onto the bed and pulled the blankets over them, preventing a sudden chill, despite the warm temperatures, to creep up his body. Even this simple movement exhausted Joseph, and he leaned back onto to the big pillow, looking up to the room’s ceiling.

Raising his brows, Sebastian walked over to the window, grabbed the chair there and placed it close to the bed, while Juli, with folded arms, stayed on the other side of it.

Sebastian bowed forward, his elbows on his knees, and gazed up to Joseph.

They didn’t speak for some minutes, Juli and Sebastian realizing how troublesome the stroll must have been for Joseph.

But the silence was a bit too long for Juli; Sebastian didn’t mind, since he and Joseph had often worked without talking for hours.

She wanted to break the ice and asked: “Joseph, do you remember something more from STEM, besides the nightmares?”

“Now that you mention it,” Joseph began after a moment of thinking, “when you, Juli, and I sat outside on the bench, it reminded me of the times when I was sitting next to you, on some sort of – red sofa, I think it was.”

Juli listened up, leaning in closer to the bed. She well remembered that red sofa -

Joseph continued: “I also remember how I would walk out and about an office building with bare concrete walls, and every now and then, I would see you and follow you on that sofa.”

The young woman’s eyes widened slowly; there really had been a harmless creature following her sometimes -

“But what was really odd,” Joseph smiled faintly, “I seemed to be smaller than you, and for some weird reason, you would stroke my head.”

Sebastian blew a raspberry. “That sounds just like STEM would be,” he interjected, “playing with your mind, changing your reality -”

“I also remember Myra,” Joseph ignored Sebastian’s words, “I remember her face, I’ve seen it once. She smiled at me, but rather sadly.” His eyes became clouded. “I also remember Lily. We were in a small town, I was running behind her on the streets, too, and when I reached her, she would hug me, and we would play -”

He couldn’t say anymore, choking on these memories. Joseph still wasn’t entirely sure if all these things actually had happened in STEM, or if they had been just dreams. Lily was dead, after all, she couldn’t have been in that place – unless Myra had put some kind of virtual image of her there, but why? So, he must have dreamed about the little girl -

Meanwhile, Sebastian pressed his lips together, not only because of hearing about his late wife; he would have liked to blurt out about Lily, to assure Joseph that she was probably having a nap right now at home -

But watching how Joseph was very likely again on the brink of tears convinced Sebastian not to do so. One more day, only one more, and the young man would hold Lily in his arms, the proof that she was well and alive.

Joseph turned his face to Sebastian: “But I also recall your office. At some point, I simply stayed there, sitting on a table or on the checkered floor for no reason, and you were there, too, very often.”

Now Sebastian began to straighten himself in his seat -

“I also talked to you,” Joseph stated, “but when you answered, I didn’t understand you. And you, too, would pat my head and back. We would watch old pictures on a big screen, I believe I was on one of them -”

Juli’s and Sebastian’s eyes met, both thinking the same -

“OH – MY – GOD,” Juli cried out, palming her mouth in realization. “Of course! Your red tie and black clothes in Beacon Hospital – they match the red ribbon and the black fur!”

“What are you talking about?” Joseph frowned at her.

“A-HA-HAA-HAAAAA-!” Sebastian burst out into laughter. “You were the cat, you were the stupid cat - !” He buried his face into his crossed forearms, leaning on the mattress. Tears were streaming down his face but not only from laughing -

_Thank goodness, he was safe when I wasn’t around - !_

Despite fighting for his own life in Beacon, Sebastian’s single sorrow in the few calm moments in that awful place had been his partner’s well-being, if he was okay, if he was still alive -

If Joseph had finally become a monster.

“Cat? What cat?” Joseph was utterly perplexed now.

“When I was carrying out my mission for Mobius,” Juli began to explain, “I would find a red sofa here and there. The Administrator, my boss at Mobius, had put them there for me to rest a bit. And a black cat with a red tie would come along to comfort me - “

Joseph blushed a little. “You’re joking, right?”

It made sense, though. The perspective he always had when he met Juli, Myra, Lily and Sebastian, the way he had been treated by them, and the fact that he never comprehended a word when they spoke to him – it suited the appearance of a cat.

Sebastian was wiping his tears away. “And there was always a black cat with a red ribbon in my mock-office when I went for a second time into STEM.” He coughed his laughter away. “It was the only secure place for me there, and the pictures helped me to regain my memories -”

“To – regain them?” Joseph inquired. “Why?”

“- I had been drinking a lot in all the years before Juli contacted me again. It was difficult for me to remember details, since I tried to forget everything.”

Probably for the first time, Sebastian was mentioning his own problems. He gulped them down, since he didn’t want to talk about them, not at the moment; this here was about Joseph.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Joseph replied. He hadn’t given much thought to Sebastian’s pain, too busy with his own, and always left alone with it, or so Joseph had considered.

“Well, you know how I was after the fire,” the older man said, shrugging his shoulders.

Yes, Joseph could remember that _too_ well, especially the fights, the yelling, the outbursts, the anger, usually thrown by Sebastian towards him -

Sebastian smiled faintly at Joseph. “But I’m glad that you were somehow safe all these years, though in an odd way.”

Juli chuckled. “It was probably Myra’s way to protect you there. Perhaps she used you as an observer in STEM, to have a reason for Mobius to keep you alive. She had never told me anything about how she was looking after you; she was too afraid it might have blown her cover as a Mobius agent.“

Myra again. Joseph’s stomach began to churn with guilt. It would very likely not be the last time to hear about her heroic deeds, and righteously so.

But why had Myra risked so much to get Joseph out of STEM? Well, he had been Lily’s godfather and Sebastian’s friend, but otherwise - ?

Or did she knew how Joseph felt about Sebastian - ?

Joseph’s speculations were disturbed by Sebastian’s giggling.

“And the best thing about you as a cat was,” he kept his palm over his eyes, “you were licking your balls a bit too often - “

“No, I didn’t - !” Joseph’s face was fully crimson now -

“Seb, please!” Juli snorted, holding her stomach.

Sebastian patted Joseph’s hand. “I’m sorry,” his eyes were still moist from laughter, “I’m just kidding you, Jo, I’m just kidding you - “

The touch of Sebastian’s palm on his own hand, Joseph let himself be consoled by it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I write about what happened in STEM in the second game, but I can't remember every detail anymore...

Joseph was nervous; today was the day of the surprise Juli and Sebastian had announced to him. He fumbled with the blanket, guessing what they had meant by it.

How should he react? Joseph was set on not yelling and screaming and being angry at the two, but he couldn’t vouch for anything.

Every news he had gotten so far had been hard for Joseph to receive and to accept; his coma, Myra, Juli, Connelly – the only thing missing was that Lily would come back to life - !

Snorting, Joseph shook his head; what a stupid idea.

He thought of what Sebastian had said yesterday, about his drinking. It was quite contradictory to Sebastian’s rather – good looks nowadays, especially because of his short beard. When Joseph had pointed out that his partner ‘looked so old’ - Joseph’s cheeks tinted themselves in a faint pink at this memory, for several reasons -, it hadn’t been meant as a criticism. On the one hand, Joseph just had been wondering what had happened to Sebastian to appear this older; on the other hand, he had noticed the many wrinkles and creases and scars in his face -

And Joseph loved him even more for that.

Sebastian wasn’t swearing anymore, he also didn’t smell of booze anymore and was always sober when they saw each other. There was only a whiff of cigarette smoke around him, but otherwise he seemed to be in good health.

The older man was wearing his casual clothes again, like back then, before – well, in his opinion, casual fitted him far better than the dress shirt and pants, the vest, the tie -

Joseph gripped his jumper, or rather Sebastian’s jumper he was wearing. He really liked these clothes, they kept him warm, since due to his body loss during the last three years, he would often feel cold, despite the summer that was still outside.

He also liked the idea that Sebastian had been wearing this jumper and jogging pants once upon a time, and all the other clothes he had given him. How the fabric had been around Sebastian’s body -

Turning in the hospital bed on his side, Joseph hid under his blanket, wrapping his arms around himself; he had caught himself red-handed imagining his detective partner a bit _too_ lively – he had the picture of a naked Sebastian in his inner vision, from the many times they had taken a shower in the departments group shower room.

Sometimes, Joseph hated his imagination. He tried to distract himself, so he began to ponder about Sebastian’s current behavior; although his tenderness confused Joseph, he wasn’t against these little - ‘attentions’ Sebastian would apply on him: embracing him, holding his hand, talking so comfortingly to him... Sebastian had always been very physical with his affections, mostly with Myra and Lily, but sometimes with Joseph, too, though not so intense as with his family. There was the occasional strong slap on the back to express his appreciation for Joseph, the bump with his fist against his arm; once Sebastian had even placed his hand on Joseph’s thigh -

These times had been long gone since –

The fire.

Joseph shuddered under the blanket for a second. He didn’t want to remind himself of the one time Sebastian had put his hand on his leg, Lily’s death, Myra’s disappearance, and the other detective’s day-by-day descend into alcohol and conspiracy theories.

To think that they all were actually true in the end -

How far had Sebastian been involved in the end of Mobius? Did he really trust Juli that much?

 _What’s going on here?_ Joseph’s head began to swim. It was nice to see Sebastian so content, almost happy, but Joseph just couldn’t erase the awful experiences he had with him between Lily’s death and Beacon Hospital.

_Maybe he finally realizes that I’m the only one left from his old life -_

Nor could he do so with his feelings and hopes for Sebastian. He shouldn’t have any hopes, he had never allowed himself to hope, but now, he somehow did -

Joseph wanted to tell Sebastian that he loved him, that he loved him probably since the day they had become detective partners. Now that he had survived, Joseph wanted to take the chance he had been given -

But Joseph was still afraid, still afraid of how Sebastian would react to that kind of confession. He wasn’t even sure how tolerant Sebastian would be when he would find out that he liked men. They had had some cases in the past with homosexual victims or murderers, and Sebastian treated that like any other case; Joseph had thought that the other detective kept up his professional courtesy, and Sebastian had never said anything if he accepted homosexual persons or not.

 _No, no, no._ Though only in his mind, Joseph shook his head, deciding that it was too risky to tell Sebastian. He wanted to stay by his side, even if that meant that he could only be friends with Sebastian, because that was better than being possibly chased away.

Besides that, there was also the question how Joseph would continue his life, after he himself had believed that he was dead, as absurd as it was. He didn’t even have a play to live once he got out of the hospital.

All his sorrows, the circling of these contradictory thoughts in his mind tired Joseph, and he closed his eyes, a deep line between his brows.

\---

It was early afternoon, and Sebastian and Juli had made an appointment to meet at the hospital.

“Look, daddy, it’s so pretty!”

Lily was walking next to her father, holding his hand. She touched a tree or a bush that stood in the small park in front of the hospital.

“Ah, yes – you hadn’t seen this place properly when we brought you here weeks ago,” Sebastian replied. “We came in from the back side, and you were too tired when we left it.”

They spotted Juli sitting on a bench who waved at them.

She stood up when Lily ran towards her, only to crouch down and embrace the little girl.

“Hello, Lily!” Juli hadn’t seen her in a while; after a moment, she let go of Lily and put her in an arm’s length in front of herself to have a look at her. “What a pretty dress you have there!”

Lily wore a white sleeveless shirt with many dots in different colors all over it.

“We bought it when daddy told me that I would see uncle Joseph,” she giggled.

“And it seems you also changed your style,” Juli smiled at Sebastian.

The man stood with his fists on his hips. “Well, if the princess has to dress up for Joseph, of course I, her underling, has to do that, too!” He laughed.

To say that Sebastian was dressed-up was probably a bit over the top; he wasn’t wearing his usual flannel or polo shirt and blue jeans, but a white dress shirt and black jeans.

“I’m not entirely alright with this,” Juli sighed, “I still believe you should talk to Joseph about Lily instead of just _shocking_ him with her.”

“I also don’t feel exactly great about this,” Sebastian took Lily’s hand in his own, “but I didn’t know how to tell him, so I thought it better if he just sees her in person.”

“Tell him what?” Lily asked, looking up at him.

Crouching down, Sebastian placed one hand on Lily’s shoulder. “You remember when I told you that uncle Joseph was also in this evil machine, like you, but only in a different place?”

“Yes.”

“Uncle Joseph also believed that you died in that fire the evil people set to our old house, and he was in their machine for three years. He still thinks that you are dead.”

“Ah -” Lily stared on the ground, no expression in her face.

“So, when he will meet you now,” Sebastian continued, “he might be scared, confused or angry. But that’s not because of you, but because the machine made him so sick. Do you understand that?”

After a second or two, Lily nodded.

“You still want to see uncle Jojo?”

This time, the girl gave him a bright smile, and nodded enthusiastically.

“Alright,” Juli took a deep breath, “let’s go then.”

Lily jumped forward towards the hospital entrance.

“Careful, Lily, there are other people!” her father ordered her.

“Yes, I know!” Lily yelled back, bouncing around other visitors and patients.

“Lily - !” Sebastian groaned.

Juli chuckled amused. “Have you told her about the cat?”

“I think that’s up to Joseph to do that,” Sebastian huffed, following his child.

\---

The trio stood in front of the door to Joseph’s room.

“Okay,” Juli knocked on the dark wood, “let’s go.”

Joseph was still lying on his side towards the window, away from the door. He lifted his head and turned it to where the knocking sound originated from. “Yes?”

“It’s us, Juli and Sebastian,” was the answer.

“And I!” added a squeaky voice.

“Come in - “ Joseph invited, frowning. He sat up properly in the bed, folding his hands in his lap.

Slowly, Juli opened the door. Joseph couldn’t see Sebastian yet, because the other man was still behind the wall.

Juli smiled weakly at him. “Here’s your surprise - “

Sebastian came into Joseph’s view, passing the door frame.

But it wasn’t just him -

A little girl with dark hair was sitting on his arm, her own arms around Sebastian’s neck.

A little girl who resembled Sebastian a lot.

A little girl who began to shine when it saw Joseph.

A little girl who stretched her short arm out towards him -

“Uncle Jojo!”

Joseph’s eyes had become bigger and bigger, his gaze fixed on her -

As if in slow-motion, Sebastian carried the little girl to him.

“ _Lily - ?_ ” Joseph almost sobbed.

As if in trance, he reached both his arms out, his eyes already misty from tears, ready to welcome this ghost from the past -

_It can’t be -_

Lily glided into these thin and weak arms and nestled her small head into the crook of her uncle’s neck, as she had done so often when he had visited her and her parents, or when they had visited him, or when Joseph had babysat her and she had fallen asleep while watching a Disney movie with him -

Joseph held her so gently and so tightly at the same time; tears were streaming down his cheeks from his open eyes, and he gazed in front of him into nothingness, having lost his ability to use his voice -

***

“I can’t have children,” Joseph said bitterly.

Sebastian blinked in confusion. “What?!”

“I can’t have children, that’s why Kate broke the engagement.”

It was almost midnight, and the two detectives were alone at the department doing overtime. Joseph was sitting at his desk, rather hammering than typing the report into the keyboard of his computer.

The young man had been quite distracted the whole day, as Sebastian had noticed, and it was something rather uncommon for the calm and cool Joseph Oda.

While working on their reports, Sebastian had taken the opportunity to inquire if something bad had happened. He had to push him, and when Joseph let go of the keyboard, he finally told Sebastian that his fiancée Kate had left him.

After getting these news, Sebastian huffed loudly, and grabbed the chair of one of the other desks in the big office and sat himself next to Joseph.

Kate and Joseph had been a happy couple for two years now, and he had proposed to her about a month ago. They had celebrated this with Sebastian, Myra and Lily, together with the announcement that the two would be godparents for the little girl.

Hearing now that Kate had broken up with Joseph came quite as a shock, even to Sebastian. He explained to Joseph how terribly sorry he was about that, and thought that it would be difficult to find out why Kate had left him, but Joseph had blurted the reason out without any more pushing.

“She wanted to be sure that we would have children once we were married,” Joseph’s hands were trembling on his thighs where he had placed them, “so she asked me to have a check-up, and of course I did her the favor. The doctor declared that I’m infertile, and yesterday, I told Kate, and she just said that it’s over and then she left -”

So, not only was the break-up a disaster, but the reason for it, too -

“Man, this is really bad,” was Sebastian’s answer. He was at an utter loss and usually clumsy in these kind of situations; he had a child, so he couldn’t entirely relate to the problem at hand.

To not look like a complete uncomprehending klutz, Sebastian did what he could do best when comforting: he put his large hand on Joseph’s shoulder, telling him that he was there for him.

“I’m very sorry that all this shit his happening to you, Jo, and it’s all so sudden,” he managed to reply. “But – maybe it’s better like this, you certainly deserve a better person than this.”

At first, Joseph glared at Sebastian, angry at this stupid attempt of consoling. If Sebastian only knew that he himself was that person - !

But he felt Sebastian’s hand on his shoulder, and it held him steady, reassuring him that he wasn’t alone. That the person Joseph wanted to be with at least stood by his side -

Nevertheless, Joseph hid his face in his gloved hands, horrible shame dawning upon him. “God, I shouldn’t have told you that I can’t have - !”

“Don’t worry,” Sebastian secured him, though it was very unusual for Joseph to open up like this, and giving an intimate detail away on top of that.“Everybody has to vent sometimes, and I won’t tell anyone.”

It was the least he could do; it was never easy for a man to say that he was infertile, and even worse when too many people outside his private life would learn about it -

Sebastian clapped his palm on Joseph’s thigh to stress his meaning.

Joseph was so surprised by this touch that he freed his hands from his face, and behold sight of Sebastian’s wry smile.

***

The world and time had stopped; although Joseph was wearing his glasses, Juli and Sebastian seemed so far far away from him and Lily, who was the only clear thing at the moment. Despite the two other adults being rather close to his bed, they were just a blur to Joseph.

He felt the little girl’s body heavily on his own for a long time, unable to utter a word, her breathing tickling his neck and her huge and soft weight bringing him gradually back into reality.

 _This is real –_ She _is real -_

Joseph had to reassure this to himself over and over, and yet, despite his arms being wrapped around Lily, he had to ask:

“ _Please, t_ _ell me that I’m not dreaming,_ ” he whimpered, “ _tell me that I’m not dead, that this is not STEM - !_ ”

From somewhere, Joseph heard Sebastian’s voice booming muffled towards him: “You’re awake, you’re alive, and you’re in the real world.”

He had Lily back, he had his goddaughter back, his little sunshine that had been one of the few reasons for him to go on in all his desperation about his own life and Sebastian -

Lily got up for a second, giving Joseph a peck on his wet cheek: “Daddy got me out of that machine!”

“Of course he did,” Joseph searched for Sebastian’s forearm, which the other man had kept on Lily’s back, and found it, patting it to thank him for rescuing her, “of course he did!”

Finally, Joseph cried out loudly. Sebastian smiled insecurely, himself on the verge of tears, while Juli just let them flow freely, wiping them shyly away.

\---

They all needed some time to calm down, the adults had all shed tears, only Lily stayed somewhat cheerful, not entirely comprehending what was going on.

After finally being capable of letting go of her, Joseph let Lily sit next to him on the bed, his arm still around her shoulder, to make sure that she continued to exist.

“So, how did you find her?” Joseph was curious.

“Well,” Sebastian cleared his throat, standing close to both of them, his arms crossed, “she was an important part of STEM, and Myra wanted to get her out.”

“What part of STEM? What made Lily so important?”

“I think,” Sebastian nodded almost imperceptibly towards his daughter, “that’s a story for another time.”

Lily stared down on her outstretched legs, focused on her sandals. She never liked it when she was the topic of conversation, especially when it was about that stupid machine. Couldn’t they just leave it - ?

Joseph understood. “Ah, okay.” He really wanted to know what had happened, but if it affected Lily too much hearing about it – so he just kissed the top of Lily’s head.

\---

Since Lily had kind of frozen, and wouldn’t talk or react in any way for some minutes, they decided that Juli should get an ice cream from the cafe for her and go outside.

 _Damn._ Sebastian had imagined that Joseph would make a scene, but not his daughter. She behaved like this for a while now, every time she had to speak a bit more about STEM, or her mother, or when she noticed when the discussion was about her and STEM. He had hoped that Lily wouldn’t be like this when meeting Joseph. It became more and more urgent for her to finally start therapy, though Sebastian didn’t like the thought; but he was also at the end of his wits -

Well, technically, the young man also had made some sort of scene, but it wasn’t that terrible. He and Lily both had seemed so happy for some moments -

Seeing them like this, the idea that had formed itself for some time now came back into Sebastian’s mind again. He would also ask his daughter about it as soon as possible.

But since Lily wasn’t in the room anymore, he could at least tell Joseph everything about Mobius, STEM and Myra. Hopefully Joseph, would remain calm with more of these uncomfortable informations.

When Juli had taken Lily at her small hand and had led her out of the room, Joseph had stared melancholically after her. He wanted her to stay the whole night, but that was obviously absurd; he really needed to stop being so egoistic -

“Will you explain to me now what happened to you, her and Myra?” Joseph tried to distract himself from his melancholy.

“Lily was the core of STEM,” Sebastian stated, “years ago, her kindergarten, in which Mobius agents were working, held an IQ test in her group, and it turned out that Lily had a high emotional quotient, which was very significant for the core.”

“To keep STEM stable?”

“Hmm,” Sebastian scratched his chin, “rather to keep it up and stable.”

“They needed a _child_ to keep up a virtual reality?”

“No, they needed someone with a high EQ. I still don’t understand everything about that stuff, though.”

Joseph nodded. “Does that mean that Mobius set the fire to your house?”

“Yes.”

“Whom did we bury then?”

Sebastian shrugged his shoulders. “Some other poor kid. We couldn’t find out who that was. Juli had arranged that the child is buried next to Myra.”

“Tsk!” Joseph huffed loudly, folded his arms in anger, and turned his head towards the window, away from Sebastian.

He remembered the fire, hearing from Lily’s death, the funeral – it had been a devastating time, even worse when Kate had broken the engagement. Some – weirdo organization had torn Lily out of his life, drawn so many people into disaster in one or other way, only to take over the world - ! If it hadn’t been so terrible, Joseph would have started to laugh hysterically.

“I know,” Sebastian said, “sounds like some crazy shit. But it really happened.” He paused. “It happened to us,” he added in a lower voice.

The patient didn’t reply, so Sebastian just continued: “Anyway, STEM was unstable, it had never really worked, and everything went down the drain. Even Myra had been corrupted, and she wanted to keep Lily inside STEM, because she thought she could protect her like that.”

“Protect her?” Joseph faced Sebastian again. “From Mobius?”

The older man snorted. “From everything, the whole world.”

“Why?”

“Eh, she -” Sebastian lifted his arms in a gesture of helplessness, “Myra just thought that – only inside STEM she could protect Lily from all the evil in the world. Like I said, STEM had corrupted her.”

“And what about you?” Joseph finally wanted to know from Sebastian.

“Juli contacted me and told me everything. Told me that Lily was still alive, and that it was Myra’s plan all along to get her out. That’s why she disappeared, that’s why she worked for Mobius,” he sighed, “that’s why she put me into STEM, to escape from it with Lily.”

“Myra – Myra did this?”

“She didn’t want to – Mobius forced her to these measures.”

Confused, Joseph covered his face with his hands and slumped back on his pillow.

“You okay?” Sebastian held Joseph’s upper arm, preparing for the worst -

But Joseph put his hands down again. “I guess,” he exhaled, “it’s just a lot – Lily is back, this story – all the things these people did to us!”

“Yeah, but – it’s over now, Joseph,” Sebastian touched Joseph’s forearm, trying to give him some safety.

“Over? Are you sure? Haven’t you seen Lily just now?! Myra is dead, Connelly is dead - “ Joseph moved his arms around as if presenting his miserable situation, “look at me! Not to mention how _you_ are!”

“I’m fine, mostly,” Sebastian replied defiantly.

“And Juli? You really trust her?”

Sebastian needed a moment. “I get what you mean. No, I don’t trust her entirely. But Myra trusted her – that has to be proof enough.”

“And Mobius is really gone - ?”

“I don’t know that,” Sebastian said, “but the signs are strong that Mobius is so destroyed that it doesn’t have any power.”

Shaking his head, Joseph sniffed and closed his eyes. “When I think that I never believed any word you told me about your supposed conspiracies; instead of that, I reported you to Internal Affairs - “ His voice trailed off from trying to hold back his tears.

Warily, the corners of Sebastian’s lips went up a little. “It’s okay,” he replied, “you were worried about me, at a time when no one did.”

“Yes, but - “

“Joseph, it’s alright.”

Next to having his hand on Joseph’s arm, Sebastian had also started to stroke the younger man’s hair; he also would have liked to kiss him, but he didn’t want to overdo it -

He retreated his hand from Joseph’s hair, realizing how awkward that must have appeared.

Joseph looked shyly at him, but avoided Sebastian’s eyes. He actually had enjoyed that caressing, and the touch of Sebastian’s hand on his arm quieted his inner turmoil.

Both gazed in front of them, not knowing what else to say or do; but the two men felt a comfortable warmth spreading inside of them, unaware to each other.

“Uhm,” Sebastian began anew, “shall we go outside, too? Are you up to it?”

Joseph managed a faint smile. “Yeah. Let’s hope Lily is better.”

Getting out of the bed with Sebastian’s assistance, and being supported by him, they went outside to meet a rather carefree Lily.


	8. Chapter 8

Lily and her father would visit Joseph every day for over a week; the young man had demanded that he could see the little girl every day. Although Sebastian had become more and more a reason to look forward to the next day, Joseph was just too glad to have his reason from the past back.

He could really use the motivation: Joseph was in Krimson Main for over a month now, and the doctors told him that he was improving day by day: he was gaining weight properly, the medication was working, and he had talked a few times to a therapist – though he wasn’t very comfortable with it, and wasn’t sure if he would continue it once outside of the hospital.

That was all very well, but Joseph feared the day he would leave the hospital: his parents and many good people from his life were dead, he didn’t have a spouse and children welcoming him back, his job as a police officer seemed so unimportant now -

There was nothing waiting for Joseph, absolutely nothing.

Except for Sebastian and Lily – but in his current state, Joseph would only be a burden to them.

And where, how should he begin to rebuild his life? The therapist had given Joseph some practical ideas: perhaps staying in a mental institution until he could go back to the ‘real world’, but that was just another nightmare for him – Joseph didn’t want to be institutionalized.

But Joseph wasn’t the only one who thought about what would happen to him outside of the hospital – Sebastian was also concerned about this.

\---

One day, after Sebastian and Lily had left the hospital from a visit, they were strolling to Sebastian’s car. And this time, Sebastian gathered all his courage to ask his daughter a significant question.

For quite a while now, he had thought about Joseph’s future. Sebastian had often remembered the outburst about exactly that issue; what would happen to Joseph once he checked out of the hospital?

Maybe he could offer him something -

“Say,” Sebastian looked down to Lily when they were at the jeep, holding her small hand, “I was thinking – how about uncle Joseph would live with us?”

His daughter turned her face up to him. “He can come to our home and stay?”

“Yes. He’s still sick, so I think it would be a good idea to let him move to our place, at least for a while.” He opened the vehicle’s door, let Lily in and entered through the driver’s door.

“That would be so great!” She smiled brightly at him while he helped her with the seat belt. “Then I would have two daddies!”

Sebastian blinked in confusion. “Lily, that’s not what I - !“

Without being able to avoid it, he blushed. He hadn’t pictured anything _this_ far with Joseph – Sebastian had hoped that, once Joseph would be with them, that maybe he could speak with him about a future – a life together: taking care of Lily with him, that Joseph would stay forever with them – however Sebastian would word his feelings in the end.

“You love uncle Joseph?” Lily interrupted his thoughts.

It was almost scary how much Lily could sense these emotions. But since she already mentioned it -

“Yes, I do,” Sebastian answered, “but – would you like Joseph to be your – your other daddy?” It sounded really weird in his ears, calling Joseph that.

“Yes! I love uncle Jojo soooo much!” She opened her arms widely to indicate that.

Well, maybe Lily misunderstood a few things in the end.

But Sebastian was also confused about another matter. “What about mommy? Don’t you miss her?”

There was a long pause, in which Lily stared at the dashboard in front of her.

Just when Sebastian thought she had wouldn’t answer anymore, she said: “No.”

And that was it then, the topic was settled – at least for now.

Sebastian started the engine. “Alright, I will talk to Joseph and tell him that you would be happy to have him in our home. But – don’t tell him about the ‘other daddy’ thing, okay?”

“Why?”

“Because – because he wouldn’t understand it yet.” He didn’t really have any good reason for her. “So, please don’t say anything to him, alright? Not until I tell you that it’s okay for him.”

Lily nodded a bit insecurely. Although she didn’t get entirely what her father meant by asking that from her, Lily knew that Joseph was still sick, so it was probably better to just follow.

\---

One day later, Sebastian and Joseph strolled around the front green of the hospital; although the patient wasn’t in need of an IV anymore, he still was a bit weak on his knees, and so the two men had their arms linked.

Sebastian hadn’t brought Lily along, Juli would come later with her. He had asked Joseph to speak to him on his own, because he knew that, once with Lily, Joseph would be too distracted by the little girl.

Lily and the young man had quite changed after they had met the first time after so many years, after thinking that both were either dead or gone forever. At home, Lily often would have very gloomy days in which she hardly wanted to do anything, or she had too many nightmares; now, after some visits to Krimson Main to see Joseph, she was a little more relaxed, and Sebastian was able to approach the topic of school and going to a ‘special doctor’ with her who would talk to her.

Joseph, on the other hand, smiled more often, and a calmer expression on his face. They reached one of the dark wooden benches, and Sebastian helped him sitting down first before he seated himself next to him; Joseph still had problems with his muscles, despite the rehabilitation training he now received in the hospital.

“What do you wanted to discuss with me?” he asked.

“As far as I know,” the older man began, “you don’t have a place to go after you’re out of here.” He nodded towards the building.

Tensing a little, Joseph stared in front of himself. “No, I don’t have - “

“I was wondering,” Sebastian turned to Joseph and tried a smile, “would you like to live at our place? At least until you’re on your own feet.”

“You mean, move to the flat where you and Lily live?”

“Yes. We have a spare room for you.”

Joseph hesitated with his next thought. “Do you still live in that apartment you and Myra moved in?”

“Yes -”

There was another short silence. “I considered asking you, as much as I hate it – but,” Joseph exhaled, “I’m not sure.”

Sebastian cast his gaze down to the same spot where Joseph looked at. “Where else do you want to go then?”

“My therapist recommended that I should go live in a mental institution,” Joseph replied, “I could go anywhere, I could search for an apartment, go to work. But I would still be under some form of observation or care, and had therapy there. There are also special programs and projects for people like me -”

“What about work?” Sebastian was curious. “Perhaps the chief, the department could help you -”

“I – I don’t know,“ Joseph moved his head away from Sebastian, “at the moment, I don’t want to see anyone from work.”

“Why?”

“Don’t get me wrong – I am thankful for their presents and attention, but – I would feel like a stranger with them, at the office - “

“- You don’t want to return to the force?” Sebastian frowned.

Joseph gulped. “I can’t tell -”

Sebastian needed a second. “You would have time to think about your future staying in our home,” he finally offered.

Joseph smiled wryly. “Are you sure? Now that Lily is back, I wouldn’t want to intrude into your family.”

Chuckling, Sebastian patted Joseph’s thigh. “Joseph, you _are_ practically family!”

With a bit of surprise, Joseph flinched at the touch, but his smile grew a bit wider. “It’s nice of you to say that, but, in my current state, I would be too difficult for you and Lily -”

The nightmares had come back to Joseph lately, but they had changed. They weren’t as brutal as the earlier ones, with the zombies, the blood, the gore.

Nowadays, it was rather Ruvik who laughed at him, taunted him, tortured him in his bad dreams, as back then, in STEM.

Not to mention that Ruvik was waiting again at the next tree, watching him -

Joseph closed his eyes. _I can’t do this to them._

Sebastian literally shook him out of his dark brooding. “Nonsense! You come to us and we’ll figure something out!”

After a pause, he put his arm around Joseph’s shoulder: “You belong to us, Lily and me,” Sebastian added, “we both would be so happy to have you around -”

The young man couldn’t immediately answer; Sebastian’s embrace and his words confused Joseph, as good as they felt.

“Come on, Jo,” Sebastian prompted, “what do you say?”

Shyly, Joseph glanced at Sebastian from the corner of his eye.

“I’ll think about it,” he said after a while.

\---

Sebastian had driven himself and Lily home, but now stood on the street close to their flat. The little girl just had had her first session with a therapist – one recommended by her doctor at Krimson Main – and was sitting rather affected in the other front seat: she was glaring out of the window, as it was visible to Sebastian.

“Sweetheart,” he began the conversation, “why didn’t you speak with the doctor?”

The session had been quite a disaster. Lily and her therapist had been in a room made for therapy with kids, with some toys, drawing and crafting material; Sebastian had been waiting on a couch in a corner, so that Lily was aware that she wasn’t alone. While the shrink asked her questions, Lily would just fill a sheet of paper with different colors and stayed silent instead of talking to the woman.

Now, in the car, Lily crossed her arms. “I don’t like her,” she moaned to her father in a low tone.

“I’ve explained it to you so many times,” Sebastian sighed, “she can help you by talking to you about mommy, the machine and dream world you’ve been in - “

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Lily began to whimper, her chin down on her chest, “I want to see uncle Joseph!”

“Hey, hey,” Sebastian reached out to stroke her hair, “see? You’re often sitting in bed or on the couch at home, not doing anything because of what you’ve seen in STEM. You’re not okay, and the best way to get better is to talk about it. Uncle Joseph has the same illness, he also speaks with that kind of doctor.”

Lily looked up to him, astonishment in her face and eyes. “Really? Uncle Joseph does the same as I?”

“Yes,” Sebastian smiled a bit, “and it helps him a lot. Or else you probably wouldn’t have seen him for many more weeks.”

For some moments, Lily wouldn’t say anything, and Sebastian only observed how his daughter’s brain was working.

“You want to try it another time with that lady?” Sebastian asked in the end.

Fumbling with her hands, Lily replied: “Can I have another doctor? I _really_ don’t like her -”

Sebastian scratched the back of his head; it had been difficult enough to get an appointment with that therapist, getting one with another would pose quite a problem -

But the fact that Lily opened up a bit to that sort of therapy was at least a good sign, so Sebastian would fulfill her that wish, of course. As long as she’d feel comfortable -

“Okay,” he answered, “I’ll look around, but I will need some time. It’s not easy to find another one of these doctors.”

The child nodded. Sebastian opened the seat belt for her and let her and himself out of the car.

Though it wasn’t just the therapist burdening Lily: the next day, she would have to do a test to check if she could finally go to school...

\---

Joseph was in another therapy session at the hospital.

“Why do you believe Sebastian would chase you away?” the shrink asked.

After weeks, although Joseph had told his doctor what kind of person Sebastian was, how he took care of him, the young man had finally explained to his therapist that he was in love with his detective partner.

“I – I don’t know,” Joseph hesitated, “I just believe that it’s a bad idea.”

Doctor and patient were sitting opposite to each other in some cushioned chairs. Joseph kept his sweating hands clasping and unclasping in his lap, his gaze focused on this action. Again, he realized that he was wearing Sebastian’s clothes.

He was so afraid of losing Sebastian.

Of losing Lily -

“Why?” the therapist inquired in a gentle tone. “Has Sebastian ever mentioned anything homophobic? Maybe towards you?”

“No,” the young man smiled a bit nervously, “he doesn’t know that I’m interested in men, no one at the department does. Though we had a few cases in which homosexuals had been involved, but he hadn’t slurred them or anything.”

“But you seem sure that Sebastian would slur _you_.”

Joseph paused for a moment. “Yes, I do - “

The therapist took a deep breath. “The way you described Sebastian to me he apparently cares a lot about you: he searched after you, he gave you his clothes, he brought his daughter to you, and now even offered you to live at his place. Remember all the things you’ve been through, in your private life, and due to your work as police officers, all the terrible things Mobius has done to you. And yet, you think Sebastian would cut you out of his life.”

“I also hope that _he_ remembers these things, too. But – my mind can’t imagine anything else than being – cast away. It’s just too good to be true.”

Every time Joseph reminded himself that and how Sebastian looked after him, it felt great; it wasn’t that Joseph wasn’t aware of that, or wasn’t appreciating it.

“Your mind is still working against reality. Don’t forget the damage you received from that STEM system.”

Oh yes, the damage, often enough in form of Ruvik observing Joseph, walking with him, torturing him in his nightmares – Joseph had told the shrink about his nightmares, but hadn’t told him about his daytime visions of Ruvik, fearing to be institutionalized -

“How do you imagine he would cast you away?” the shrink resumed. “Do you have a specific scenario in your mind?”

Confused, Joseph shook his head. “No, I – I don’t even have a scenario in which I –“ he huffed, “I confess to Sebastian, how would I have a scenario for him getting rid of me?”

“Perhaps you can imagine how you confess to him, to prepare yourself for doing it for real. And try to imagine a scenario in which there is no extreme – no hate, no fight, no cutting away.”

Joseph folded his arms. “I don’t know - ”

The therapist shifted in his seat. “I’ll give you one possible option you could work with. Maybe he would be surprised about your feelings, but he wouldn’t be angry about it.”

On the inside, Joseph had to laugh a bit at this. “I’m not sure if I can do this -”

“Then you will never be able to talk about this with Sebastian.”

They were running in circles here, and there was no way around speaking to Sebastian. Joseph pressed his lips together, he had often enough come to the same conclusion.

After some moments, he replied: “I’ll see what I will do...”

\---

Some days later, Sebastian visited Joseph again, but this time on his own, without Lily. Maybe that was for the better, since Joseph had appeared kind of fidgety and distracted lately; he had had trouble chatting and playing with the little girl.

Joseph was lying in his bed, his duvet up to his chest and a big pillow in his back. Although it was still rather warm, it got chillier during the nights, so Sebastian had bought the young man a morning gown in dark blue which he was wearing now.

“Where is Lily?” he asked after their greeting and Sebastian half sat, half leaned against the bed towards Joseph.

“I brought her to a new therapist. She wasn’t going along too well with the last one, and her doctor here from Krimson Main managed to get us an appointment with another one rather fast.”

“Ah,” Joseph nodded.

Sebastian tilted his head. “Are you okay, Jo?”

“Hmm?”

“You seem to have something on your mind the last few days. I mean, besides the obvious stuff.“

Looking outside of the window into the clear and sunny day, Joseph exhaled; he had brooded often about what his therapist said to him about Sebastian, and he was still searching for the right words. How was Joseph supposed to say something that he never had intended to say - ?

But that wasn’t the only problem. “I’ve been told that I will be released from here in one or two weeks,“ Joseph replied.

It wasn’t too difficult for Sebastian to guess how Joseph thought about that. “And you’re afraid of it?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“Okay,” Sebastian folded his arms, “so, have you decided yet if you want to move to our place? I hope you’re not afraid of _that_.”

Joseph continued for a while to gaze out of the window, but then his fingers began to fumble with the duvet.

He turned his gaze down to his hands, and inhaled this time. “Before I decide that – maybe there is one thing you should know about me - “

_Here goes nothing, the moment of moments._

“Yes?” Sebastian frowned.

“Well, you know,” Joseph began, “you know how much time I’ve spent with you and Myra and Lily, before the fire?”

“Sure,” Sebastian chuckled, patting Joseph’s thigh, “that’s why I told that you’re family to us.”

The patient blushed a little. “I – I really appreciate that,” he gulped, “and I really loved to look after Lily, I still do, and Myra was such a good friend to me -”

“Why don’t you just spit it out?” Sebastian interrupted him.

“It’s – it’s just not so easy for me - “

Sebastian watched how Joseph opened his mouth a bit, then closed it again, several times, like a fish, while staring at him with rather big and shining eyes, though sometimes directing his gaze towards his hands, or out of the window, or on the floor.

“Relax, okay? Whatever you want to tell me, it can’t be anything too bad,” he encouraged.

That was apparently enough for Joseph to calm down, though only for a bit. “As much as I love Lily and Myra,” he managed to collect himself, “you were the main reason why I – loved to be around your family.”

Slowly, the older man widened his own eyes, because it dawned upon him what was so hard for Joseph to tell him -

Joseph clamped his hands more than tensely together, until his knuckles became white. “Seb, what I want to say is – I – I – _I_ -”

“Joseph, I know.” It was now Sebastian’s turn to stare down on the floor.

At first, Joseph thought he hadn’t heard right. “What?”

“I know about your feelings for me,” Sebastian sighed.

An oppressive silence loomed over them for some endless seconds. Sebastian didn’t dare to look at Joseph, while Joseph was in a state of shock, somewhere between hot shame and rage about himself, not able to utter a word.

After a while, his bottom lip started to tremble, and he lifted his hands to hide his face behind them, and the shameful tears coming out of his eyes.

“ _You mean,_ ” Joseph nearly sobbed, “ _all these years, I made a fool out of myself?!_ ”

“What? No!” Sebastian moved toward Joseph. “You didn’t do anything – inappropriate, if it’s about that – I only realized that about you when I thought it was too late, when I thought you were dead.”

Not again. Everything was going so well recently -

“ _But what about the last weeks?!_ ”

Sebastian harrumphed. “I wasn’t sure if I should mention anything, considering you’re state. I – I waited for you to get better.”

Joseph sobbed quietly.

“I didn’t want to embarrass you,” Sebastian continued in a low voice, “and it’s not that I – dislike it or anything.”

The sobbing suddenly halted, and Joseph let his hands slide down so that he could look at Sebastian. “What -?” he asked again, muffled behind his fingers.

Backing up a little, Sebastian cast his eyes down; he felt his cheeks warming up.

_There it is, the moment of truth -_

He took a deep breath. “You should know that you’re,” Sebastian paused, hoping that Joseph would understand, “you’re just as important to me, in the same way -”

The other man stared wide-eyed at him, still keeping his hands before his mouth, while Sebastian stepped up again, putting his large hand on the trembling shoulder.

“I’m not good at this stuff, but I – I want to be with you, Joseph.”

Sebastian was so close, too close to Joseph, observing his reaction with these amber eyes, a gentle smile tucking at the corners of his lips.

It should be a great moment, a moment Joseph hadn’t never been able to imagine.

But somehow, it was also worse than anything he had imagined so far.

And now, Sebastian’s face came even closer, trying clumsily to give Joseph a kiss on his temple -

“ _NO!!_ ” Joseph lashed out, hitting Sebastian on the chest with his fist.

“Joseph - !” Sebastian retreated with more than surprise on his face.

“ _G_ _ET OUT OF HERE_ _!_ ” Joseph faced away from Sebastian, whimpering. “ _I want to be alone.”_

“What – Joseph - ?”

“ _JUST. GET. OUT. OF. HERE._ ” Joseph spat at him, his face distorted into an angry grimace, and then huddled into his duvet, crying into the pillow.

Utterly stunned and with hanging shoulders, Sebastian stumbled towards the door, pushed the handle down and stalked out.

\---

Sebastian closed the door and leaned on it with his back, pretending to cling on it as if it was something that his life depended on.

_What just happened?!_

He was actually terrified and breathed heavily. Sure, Sebastian had expected some shock and surprise when confessing to Joseph, but not all this anger and contempt -

But where did Joseph’s rage came from? Shouldn’t he be glad about his feelings being reciprocated?

Despite making himself look hard to get an idea about this anger, and several minutes passed doing so, Sebastian couldn’t think of much -

Except for all the years Joseph had watched him having a happy family with Myra and Lily, and being denied that happiness for himself.

Except for all the years Joseph had given himself for Sebastian’s family.

Except for Lily’s ‘death’.

Except for all the times Sebastian had been drunk.

Except for all the times Sebastian had a row with Joseph because of the booze.

Except for all the times Sebastian had yelled, shouted and cursed at Joseph.

Except for all the times Sebastian almost had beaten up Joseph -

The memories suddenly flooded through Sebastian’s mind; he closed his eyes in shame about himself and rubbed his hands over his face.

“God, I’m so stupid, stupid, _stupid_!” He banged the back of his head on the wooden door.

No wonder Joseph was like this. Finally, after such a long time, Joseph was able to show Sebastian how hurt he was from all the things the older man had done to him -

And that it had to break out in such a significant moment -

Joseph’s nurse passed him and gave him a weird look. “Did something happen?”

Sebastian got himself up and stood properly now; he searched for an excuse, but found that there were only lame ones. “I’m sorry, but – he’s not okay. He’s quite upset.”

Huffing irritated, the nurse asked him to give her way, and Sebastian opened the door to let her into Joseph’s room.


	9. Chapter 9

In the end, Sebastian had to pull himself together, since he had to pick up Lily from the new therapist.

“How was your – chat with the therapist?” he asked her cautiously when she was in the passenger seat next to him in the car.

The little girl shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, I guess.”

He started the engine. “You’d like to – tell me what you two talked about?” Sebastian hoped that Lily had talked this time.

“Well,” the child replied, “she asked me how I’m doing, when I’m going back to school, what I’m doing everyday...”

“Uh-huh.” That was weird, but better than the last session. Just as this shrink had announced to him before the therapy, she intended to approach the important and problematic topics in a different way, unlike the last one who jumped right into STEM with Lily. “You want to talk with her again?”

Lily didn’t answer for some moments. “Yes,” she then said.

Reaching out for her, Sebastian patted her head and smiled faintly at her; Lily’s short answers signaled him that she wasn’t up for any more speaking about the whole thing. “That’s good. But you tell me when you don’t like her anymore, okay?” He drove off the hospital’s parking lot.

“Mh-mhm,” Lily nodded insecurely; she had braced herself that she wanted to try it at least one more time with this therapist, though she still was sure that she would cry and yell as soon as her mother or STEM would be mentioned...

\---

After bringing Lily to bed, Sebastian plunged himself on the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress; they had had a rather silent dinner, since Lily had been in a brooding mood and he didn’t want to disturb her. Later, when he had read her a bed time story, it appeared as if she hadn’t been interested to much in her new book.

Now, he sat heavily on the mattress, his shoulders hanging, bowing slightly forward, his arms outstretched at his sides, the palms of his hands on the linen.

All in all, it had been a normal day – if it weren’t for that few moments with Joseph in the hospital. It wasn’t just Lily’s behavior, but Joseph’s anger and tantrums that exhausted Sebastian.

_Joseph -_

He closed his eyes. For the past hours, Sebastian had put on a facade for Lily so that he could look after her. But the facade had made the hurt and rejection caused by Joseph grew more and more, and now, he couldn’t take it anymore.

And with a start, Sebastian realized that he was on Myra’s side of the bed, the one towards the bedroom’s door. On the one hand, he was glad that he had more or less confessed to Joseph, but on the other hand, the guilt because of Myra punched him right in the gut.

The only woman who had managed to love him, stay with him and give him a beautiful child, and after all the dangers, trouble and her sacrifice, he was throwing Myra away so fast – out of sight, out of mind, and some space for another person.

But this person wasn’t just anyone; it was Joseph, a man Sebastian loved and cared for as for his late wife -

It was finally his turn to cry. He bend his back forward and put his face into his hands, sobbing and shaking like Joseph had done so in the afternoon.

This was it then. This must have been how Joseph had felt probably since the two men had began to work together years ago, silently and without complaint, and when it got worse after the house fire and before Beacon.

When Sebastian had behaved like an asshole, not only towards Joseph, but towards everyone –

That had been the true reason why the younger detective had reported Sebastian to Internal Affairs: the sorrow and frustration about ruining himself and others, not his stupid performance at work. Joseph had had no other choice.

Of course, Sebastian had known this since he had made it out of Beacon Hospital – again, too late – but everything became so totally aware now...

Despite shedding his tears behind his hands, he was so loud that he wasn’t hearing the tapping of two small feet on the floor.

Lily stood in the door frame, holding the small doll of hers, observing her father crying; it was the first time she saw her father like this -

Slowly, she walked up to Sebastian and sat next to him. Only them, he lifted his head and wiped his tears hurriedly away.

“Lily?!” he said more audible than he wanted to, “I thought you’re asleep - ! “

“You woke me,” she replied behind her doll.

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian sniffed, not able to look at Lily, “I didn’t want to wake you -”

At first, Lily paused for a while to consider her next words; since she couldn’t find any correct ones, she just leaned into her father, her head on Sebastian’s upper arm.

Touched by that gesture, Sebastian gave her a kiss on her hair.

They stayed like this for a while, Sebastian letting his child comfort him a bit; it felt good to be – the weak one for once, though it also felt awkward to be like this in front of his daughter; but Lily somehow always managed to do the right thing. Thank goodness for her high EQ -

“Why are you crying, daddy?” Lily suddenly inquired.

Those damn tears just wouldn’t stop, but Sebastian wasn’t so loud about it anymore. “So, you know – uncle Joseph wasn’t very well today...”

Some minutes passed without speaking. The little girl squeezed the doll closer to her chest, again not sure how to react. So in her confusion she just asked: “Does that mean that uncle Joseph won’t live with us?”

Himself also not sure what to do now with Lily in this kind of desperate situation, Sebastian had to chuckle. “I – I don’t know – I asked him, but he hasn’t said yes or no...”

Lily straightened her back to have a proper look at Sebastian. “Should I ask him if he wants to live with us?”

The tears had gotten fewer and fewer, so Sebastian rubbed the last of them from his eyes.

He didn’t really knew how to answer, but when he caught sight of Lily’s face almost glowing from anticipation, he said: “If you wanna try...”

“Can I ask him next time we visit him?”

“Yeah, sure, but – we’ll give him some time for himself, okay?”

“How long?”

“Only a few days.” Sebastian stroke her hair. He was relieved that she was thinking about Joseph, but it also kind of disturbed him that she seemingly had forgotten about her mother – rather quick again.

“I also thought about your mommy, that’s why I cried, too,” he began, “because I’m not sure if she would have liked it if Joseph became your – other daddy...”

“Why not?” Lily pressed her plush toy again into her chest. “Aunt Juli told me that mommy protected Joseph.”

Sebastian frowned. Could it be that Myra had noticed his feelings for Joseph before he himself had done - ? She was a detective, but she also had had the benefit of female intuition -

“And,” Lily added quietly, “mommy is gone now, she’s in heaven. How can she mind?”

Taken aback a little, Sebastian stared at his child. Apparently, she was already over the phase of ‘out of sight, out of mind’, ready for a replacement.

But then, he had to agree with her. “You’re right, mommy’s not here anymore. But I don’t know what to do about Joseph -”

“You said you love uncle Joseph,” Lily reminded him.

“Sweetheart, Sebastian shook his head, “it’s difficult – mommy is gone for only a few weeks, and I miss her a lot – and Joseph is sick and angry with me.”

“Why?”

“I – I wasn’t very nice to him when you were with the evil people -”

“So – Joseph doesn’t love you?”

Sebastian swallowed. “He does – but as I said, he’s angry with me.”

Lily gazed on the floor. “Then he should stay with us so that you can be nice to him again.”

\---

Their discussion left Sebastian a bit dumbfounded; how eager Lily was to have Joseph around... Maybe she still didn’t understand what kind of ‘love’ was between the two men. At least she had been able to speak a little about her mother without getting too upset.

Nevertheless, just as promised, they visited Joseph in the hospital after some days. The young man was happy to see his godchild again, and seemed to have calmed down from his last outburst. That in turn calmed Sebastian, too, though he was also a bit surprised about it; but he deemed it wiser to not mention the topic from that outburst -

It was a sunny and warm day outside, perhaps one of the last this summer, so they decided to make a stroll in front of the hospital.

“Lily, wait,” Joseph wheezed after about twenty minutes of following a jumpy Lily, “I can’t walk that much!”

“Come back, Lily, you know uncle Joseph is ill -” Sebastian called after her.

Lily moved around on her heels. “Okay, okay!”

Joseph flopped on a nearby bench, panting a bit. Although he made some training in his rehabilitation and gained a lot of weight and muscles, he was far from his before-Beacon fitness level.

The little girl sat next to him, letting Joseph pull her into him with one arm, both of them giggling; Sebastian just stood at the bench close to them and watched them kind of amused, and not wanting to disturb their moment.

“Uncle Jojo?” Lily began after some moments.

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?”

_Here we go then._ Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Sure,” Joseph smiled.

“Will you live with us? In our place?”

The patient quirked both his brows and turned his head up towards Sebastian. “So, now you’re bribing me with the little one?”

Sebastian lifted his hands in a defensive gesture: “I didn’t tell her to do that! She wanted to ask you on her own.

Sighing, Joseph looked back to Lily; she grinned at him with a glint of mischief in her eyes, but it was the nice sort of mischief.

Before their meeting today, Joseph had had another appointment with his therapist; he had cried a lot during that, describing their mutual disastrous ‘love confession’, trying to figure out why it went so bad. Only a very tiny part in him was actually glad about having told Sebastian about his feelings, but otherwise -

Fortunately, spilling everything out had quieted Joseph somehow and had lifted a huge burden from his shoulders. But he was also grateful that Sebastian didn’t touch the subject for now.

Since Joseph seemed to need quite some time to answer, Sebastian was concerned.

“You don’t have to answer that right now,” he finally said.

“No, it’s okay,” Joseph replied, still fixed on Lily, “if you really want to, Lily, I’ll stay with you, at least for some time.”

“Yay!” Lily laughed and hugged her godfather.

“As if I have any other choice,” he added in a low voice, mumbling into her shoulder, and with some sadness and resignation in it.

Lily was too bubbly to hear it.

\---

About a week later, the day for Joseph leaving Krimson Main Hospital had come.

Sebastian was carrying the duffel bag with Joseph’s belongings to his jeep. He was grinning to himself, despite the grey clouds in the sky. Sure, they still had problems to solve, but nonetheless, it was a good day for a celebration: Joseph was coming home, his and Lily’s home, and everything would work out somehow - !

Joseph was trotting behind him. It wasn’t just the weather that dampened his already not great mood, but going to Sebastian’s home felt rather like a punishment than a perspective.

With the weather getting more uncomfortable, the wind blew stronger during these days, and he huddled himself a bit more into Sebastian’s clothes he was still wearing, and the jacket Sebastian had brought him. That wasn’t making things any better in Joseph’s eyes, wearing clothes that weren’t his own -

The older man tossed the bag onto the back seat after letting Joseph into the car, next to him in the front. Joseph frowned at the big red jeep; he only recalled the smaller family car Myra and Sebastian had, even after the fire, since it hadn’t been in the garage and therefore hadn’t burnt down in it.

Their drive was rather quiet; Joseph didn’t want to talk and preferred to watch out of his side window, and Sebastian was too much in his own head to encourage unnecessary conversation.

Or other, more pressing matters -

Slowly, Joseph began to recognize Krimson City. There were some new buildings, but most of it had stayed much the same, like the movie theater or the diner he and Sebastian often had eaten or just had had a coffee. It was nearly astonishing for him to see the town like this, because Joseph had so often dreamed about it in the ruined state he had experienced in STEM.

What also made him feel awkward was the neighborhood he recognized -

“Are you still – living in that flat you and Myra moved in after the fire?” Joseph asked.

“Uhm, yeah,” Sebastian answered, “there was no reason to move away, so -”

“Ah,” Joseph sighed.

Sebastian glimpsed at Joseph from the corner of his eyes; well, their difficulties were obviously far from over.

They arrived at the apartment, and Sebastian almost sprinted to the door, with the bag on his shoulder, to open it for Joseph.

“I want to take the stairs,” Joseph declared.

“Are you sure?” Sebastian was already at the elevator. He would usually go by foot to the fourth floor.

“I will need some time, but yes.”

So they walked up the steps, having a break every now and then, Sebastian holding up a panting Joseph, and they climbed up to the flat in about ten minutes. It was kind of sad, with Sebastian being now in his forties – unlike Joseph being in his thirties – and still being sportier than him -

Again, Sebastian opened the door for Joseph and let him into the small hall. They went into the living room, and Joseph remained in the door frame.

Joseph’s body tightened; he raised his shoulders a bit, and put his hands around his upper arms, as if there was a chill in the room. And Joseph actually froze somehow, the cold and dread creeping up his spine due to all the bad memories this place bore to him -

The flat didn’t look much different from before – now three years ago, except that it was clean and tidy: no whiskey bottles to see, no garbage on the ground, no piles of smoked cigarettes on the coffee table – though there was an ash tray on it, with a single cigarette bud in it.

Sebastian placed the bag on the big couch and turned to Joseph. “Come in, come in!” he smiled and helped the younger man out of his jacket. He thought that Joseph was just shy, and was too happy to recall any wrong things from the past...

Being always drunk when Joseph came around to his flat.

Hating Joseph for telling him to stop drinking.

Raging at Joseph for reminding him of his problems and faults -

“Uncle Joseph!” Lily ran out of the kitchen, Juli following her, but standing at the door to the kitchen.

The little girl passed her father and stormed into Joseph’s arms. She slung her arms around his hips, while her uncle patted her back and stroke her head.

“Lily, please be careful,” Sebastian chided uselessly, “he’s tired from climbing up the stairs.”

“Hello, darling,” Joseph chuckled nevertheless, “it’s great to see you.”

Lily looked up to him. “We have a surprise for you in the kitchen!”

“It’s not a surprise if you tell him, Lily,” Juli protested.

“It’s still a surprise if I haven’t seen it yet,” Joseph replied, “why don’t you show me?”

Nodding, Lily grabbed his hand and they entered the kitchen. At the door, Lily rushed to the table in the middle of the room, which was decorated with confetti, colorful paper streamers and some balloons. Plates were already set on the table, and a pot and a pan were steaming on the stove.

“Welcome, Joseph!” Lily and Juli cried together, opening their arms presenting the table.

Joseph made a few steps into the kitchen, but there was suddenly a hand on his shoulder.

Sebastian was next to him. “Welcome home, Joseph,” he said, smiling faintly.

Blushing a bit, Joseph widened his eyes. “Yeah, thank you, and thanks for this,” he added, directed to Juli and Lily.

“We made your favorite food, Chinese, though without the spices,” Sebastian explained.

For a second time, Joseph was a little baffled. It was nice that Sebastian remembered that little detail from a different lifetime, an entirely different life ago -

He and Lily sat down on the table while Sebastian and Juli brought the food. Since Joseph always had liked simple things – or so Sebastian recalled – , they had cooked noodles with chicken and vegetables, but without the typical Chinese spices, considering Joseph’s and Lily’s stomach.

The plate full in front of him, Joseph grasped his fork and stuck it into the noodles, actually full of anticipation for a long time.

But when he lifted his hand to put the food into his mouth, he had numbing pictures in his mind: Sebastian boozing here, at his very spot, after having been rough with people from his supposed conspiracy fantasies, rambling at him that he wasn’t helping him.

Ruvik using these memories against him in STEM then, in his nightmares now -

Joseph stuffed the fork into his mouth, chewed and swallowed without tasting it. He managed to get two or three more bites, until Lily asked: “Are you okay, uncle Jojo?”

He shook his head almost imperceptibly, and gazed at Lily, or rather the image of a child with burning flesh in front of him -

“You don’t have to eat everything if you can’t,” Sebastian intercepted, noticing how – off Joseph was from on second to the other.

Letting the fork down next to his dish, Joseph stared at the noodles. “I – I’m sorry, but I would like to sleep, if you have some place for me. I’m really tired - “

Sebastian saddened at this, but maybe everything was a bit too much for Joseph. “Like I said some time ago, we have a room for you.”

“Ah, yes -”

Lily was also a bit disappointed. “Can we play after you had your nap?” Joseph had left Krimson Main at noon, so she hoped that they would spent some time together.

“Lily -” Sebastian warned.

Joseph smiled a bit. “Of course we can play later. But it was a long day for me already, so I’d like to take a break.”

Juli hadn’t said much until now, giving the three their time together, since she was aware – without jealousy – that she wasn’t important right now. “I know I’m a bad substitute for your uncle,” she remarked, “but your father and I can play with you until Joseph is refreshed again.”

\---

At least the illusions wore off. Sebastian slung Joseph’s bag over the shoulders and showed Joseph to the upper floor, to the room on the outer left.

“I’m really sorry,” Joseph mentioned on the small staircase, “you prepared so much stuff for me.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Sebastian replied, “as long as your getting better. And we have enough that will last till dinner.”

They stopped at the open door to Joseph’s room, next to Sebastian’s. It had been the older detective’s former office, that much Joseph recalled. Usually, it had been quite messy here, just like as the rest of the flat, with full ash trays and empty bourbon bottles, papers and photographs scattered on the floor, the computer running non-stop in the dark -

And Sebastian in the midst of it, trying to convince Joseph of some sort of secret organization that had been involved in Lily’s death, and accusing Joseph of being part of this conspiracy, picking up a fight with him.

Joseph cringed; fortunately, either Sebastian had been too drunk to do something dangerous in these heated up situations, or Joseph’s self-defense skills prevented anything worse.

Now, the room was almost peacefully lit up from the daylight. The desk was still there under the window opposite from the door, and with a bit of stationary on it. On the left wall was a biggish closet, on the right wall the freshly made bed, a nightstand wedged into the corner between the desk and the bed’s head. Just next to the door was a chest of drawers. Apparently, there was also a new carpet floor.

“It’s not much,” Sebastian said, going into the room and setting the bag on the ground besides the bed, “but you can otherwise put in here whatever you like.”

After some moments, Joseph dared treading into the room and sitting down on the bed. “It’s okay, it’s only for a few weeks anyway.”

“Hmmm, yeah -” Sebastian scratched the back of his head.

There was some silence for a few seconds, with Sebastian standing at the bed, and it seemed as if he wasn’t sure if he should go or not.

“Listen, Joseph,” he began in the end, “about what I – said to you in the hospital - “

Joseph faced away from Sebastian, leaning forward to put his elbows on his thighs. “I don’t want to talk about this -”

“You don’t have to talk, it’s just – I wanted to say a few things.”

“ _Then say them._ ”

Sebastian stuffed his hands into the back pockets of the jeans, his gaze directed to the ground. “I can think of some reasons why you’re angry with me,” he gulped, “but I would like to hear them from you – once you’re up to it, I mean.”

He didn’t receive any answer.

“Well,” Sebastian continued, “letting you live here doesn’t mean that I – want to force into a relationship or anything, though I wonder why you wouldn’t want to be with me in one -”

“It’s one thing to have feelings for you, and another one to be with you - !” Joseph hissed angrily.

The older man actually winced at this a bit. “It wouldn’t be easy for me, too – I would have to adjust to it, since I’ve never had a relationship with a man.”

Joseph snorted.

“Anyway,” Sebastian wiped his mouth, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m here for you, okay?”

Hesitantly, he put his hand on Joseph’s shoulder, but was shrugged off immediately.

“Alright, alright,” Joseph touched his head, “now could you go, please? My head is killing me -”

Sebastian pressed his lips together; he walked slowly out of the room, without any more words, and closed the door.

He couldn’t hear how Joseph was whispering to himself: “Of course you’re here for me. You always are.”

\---

Joseph had a rather unrelaxing nap this afternoon.

He got up about two hours later, and the rest of the day went by pleasantly quiet. Playing with Lily was great, though under the ‘supervision’ of Sebastian and Juli, and although Joseph had to adapt to the games of the now older girl; he had missed out about three years of her development.

They also watched a Disney movie together, and then Juli left them for the evening. And yes, they actually had their lunch as dinner, since Lily had lost her appetite after Joseph had left the table earlier and plenty of food was still there.

After their meal, Joseph retreated to his room for the night. He would have liked to bring Lily to bed, but was too exhausted for this. He was also quite insecure what kind of bed ritual Lily had now; maybe he would observe Sebastian on one of the next evenings, and try it himself when he felt ready for it.

Joseph did his before-bed ablutions, and then went to bed.

He couldn’t sleep immediately. Most of the time Joseph had been able to focus on Lily, and he even was a bit happy with her; today had been almost as if before the time of the fire... But now, on his own, his thoughts were circling round and round Sebastian -

How come Sebastian was interested in him? Joseph had always thought that the other man was the typical, no, _stereo_ typical straight guy, being this nearly cliché cop, with a pretty wife, a wonderful little child, and even the damn house in the suburbs. Absolutely _nothing_ hinted at Joseph. What had he missed?

Although – Sebastian had always appreciated him, had him become Lily’s godfather, often had put him into his plans and considerations. Maybe Joseph had some sort of special place in Sebastian’s heart – as cheesy as this sounded to himself – , but that was the utmost sort of attachment Joseph had been sure the older detective had towards him. Like a little brother, or favorite cousin. None of his former relationships, especially after his break-up with Kate, had been so – long, kind, and perhaps a bit intimate.

And another thing was that – ever since Sebastian’s confession, every time they would get serious about that topic, Ruvik didn’t seem to be around for a few moments -

But would Joseph be able to be with Sebastian, with all the things that belong to this, even be a parent for Lily in every aspect - ? The idea seemed so absurd to Joseph. Yes, in the past, and in his loneliest moments, he would fantasize about Sebastian, but that was – embarrassingly – the only thing Joseph could imagine about being with him. Everything else had been nothing more than hoping without hope -

Closing his eyes, Joseph took a deep breath, and wondered if he should contact Kate. But what would be the purpose of that? The last thing he had heard from her was that she had found someone – potent enough to have children with her. Joseph still couldn’t understand how he had fallen for this woman, and how he hadn’t seen what was coming up.

_Patrick._

Joseph shut his eyes open. He had completely forgotten about the poor man. They had dated a few times before Beacon, but then – well, Joseph had disappeared, and then Sebastian showed up again.

It had felt – good, and right to be with Patrick. Joseph had even considered a future with him, maybe finally being able to tell everyone that he also liked men, something he had been secretive about, not knowing how a police department – and Sebastian – would react to it. Patrick had been presentable to his friends, unlike many of his other dates, male or female, especially after Kate.

_Oh, please – it was just nice to be treated like a human being again._

That was also true. While Joseph had mostly been fighting with Sebastian, sometimes close to a brawl, Patrick had respected him and had been gentle to him. The guilt about it had always been in the back of his brain. Should he try and look for him - ?

His mind turned fuzzy and dizzy over all this ruminating, all the people he had lost, the new situations he had to adjust to now… He closed his eyes again, waiting for sleep to help him, or giving him solutions for his current fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, with this chapter, I hit the mark of 50,000 words. Yay! And I would say that I have written down two thirds? Half of the story? I'm not sure, but the story is far from over...


	10. Chapter 10

Joseph woke up late the next day, and descended the stairs to the flat’s ground floor in a rather tired mood, still in his pajamas and morning gown. He had had an uneasy sleep, sometimes interrupted by at least not too frightening nightmares.

Sebastian and Lily were sitting on the couch, watching some TV.

“There you are!” Sebastian turned around and stood up when he heard the steps creaking. “Good morning!”

Lily ran towards Joseph to hug him around his hips. “Good morning!”

“Good morning,” he greeted her back.

Moving towards the kitchen, Sebastian beckoned Joseph to come with him. “Come on, I make you some breakfast.”

“I wanna help, too!” the little girl offered.

Joseph sighed. “You already had breakfast? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because you should rest,” the older man replied, “it’s okay, we have all the time in the world.”

\---

After Joseph had his breakfast, he brushed his teeth, took a shower and changed his clothes – although his casual clothing wasn’t much different than his bed attire.

Sebastian had to do some errands in town, and so Joseph and Lily looked after the dish washing.

Joseph wondered about one thing, though. “Lily, aren’t you going to school? The school year has already begun – shouldn’t you be there?”

Lily circled her towel on the plate Joseph had handed her. “I – I go to school from next Monday on.”

“Oh, you must be so excited! You’ll find new friends, and learn so many new things.”

“Uh-huh.”

Her godfather frowned. “You don’t seem too happy about going to school after all -”

“Uhm, I -” Lily hesitated, “I don’t know if I’m good enough for school -”

“Are you kidding?!” Joseph snorted. “You could already read and write in kindergarten.” He paused, searching carefully for his next words. “Or – did you forget everything? I suppose Mobius didn’t give you school lessons - “

“No,” Lily shook her head, “I had some toys, and I was allowed to draw.”

That wasn’t much, especially for an intelligent girl like Lily, and for such a long time.

Joseph set the sponge away and dried his hands with the towel over his shoulder. “Ah, you shouldn’t worry too much about school,” he patted her head. “I’m sure you’ll do fine there.”

He smiled at her encouragingly, and Lily was glad that he didn’t expect and answer from her.

\---

Lily wanted to draw a little, and they decided to retreat to Joseph’s room, since he felt kind of tired already. Fortunately, Lily was comprehending, and so he lied down on his bed and observed his godchild scribbling happily on some paper, sitting cross-legged on the ground.

Because it was so soothing to watch her, Joseph slumbered peacefully away. It was early afternoon when Sebastian woke him up, shaking him at his shoulder.

“Hey,” Sebastian said, “I brought some Italian take-away. Are you hungry?”

“Oh, no,” Joseph rubbed one of his eyes, “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep with Lily, I could have cooked us something, I still can - !”

Sebastian had the impulse to give Joseph a kiss, but kept it back, since it was too early for these kind of intimacy between them.

“You’re not here to be the housekeeper,” the other man chuckled, “and besides that, Lily has an appointment with her therapist in an hour, so we don’t have time to cook.”

They had a speedy lunch at the kitchen. Joseph had only some noodles with a bit of olive oil, since he couldn’t stomach anything more. Lily was at least able to have some spaghetti with tomato sauce .

Joseph convinced Sebastian that he would take care of the dishes again, though the older man wanted to do them after the therapist.

“I _can_ do a few things around the house, I don’t want to only sit around or sleep,” Joseph pleaded.

Sebastian folded his arms, still worried. “Alright, but don’t overdo it.” He wouldn’t be able to stop him anyway.

\---

After the dishes, Joseph kept himself busy with cleaning the kitchen and living room, though both rooms were impeccably clean, or at least as clean as it’s supposed to be for a single father with his child.

Perhaps Joseph was just so used to tidy up this flat, from the times when Sebastian would lie drunk and snoring in his bed -

But he had to do something; Joseph didn’t want to think about, didn’t want to see Ruvik standing in the corner of every room he was cleaning -

Sebastian and Lily returned a few hours later.

“We went for an ice cream after the session,” Sebastian apologized, “we both needed that.”

Lily was still clutching at her father’s hand, staring down on the ground.

Her mood got lifted when they cooked dinner together, again something manageable for the child’s and Joseph’s stomachs; Sebastian resorted to adding Worcester sauce on his meal at the table.

“How was your therapy session?” Joseph asked.

“Uhm, it was okay,” Lily played around with her potatoes, avoiding eye contact with her godfather.

“I was required to be there, too,” Sebastian continued, “and we talked about – well, how everyone told her that I was dead. Even Myra.”

Ah, yes, Sebastian and Juli had mentioned that to Joseph. “That must have been difficult - “

“Uncle Joseph? Is it true that you’re also going to this talk doctor?” Lily clearly didn’t want to speak about the session.

At first, Joseph blinked curiously at this. “Yeah, I do, but it’s one at the hospital.”

Sebastian stared back and forth between Joseph and his daughter; maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have mentioned that to Lily.

“Is it getting better when you talk about what happened in STEM?” Lily asked.

A bit baffled by this kind of sophisticated question, Joseph was insecure about his answer. “It helps, but it’s not easy.”

That more or less confirmed Lily’s fears about the therapy; she continued eating her dish, casting her eyes down.

Joseph didn’t intended that result, and tried to find words to comfort her.

But somehow, there wasn’t really anything. He himself couldn’t say if the therapy helped; sure that his shrink would have kept him in the hospital if he knew that Joseph saw Ruvik everywhere he went, he hadn’t said the entire truth about his problems with the cloaked figure. Of course, he had admitted that he had nightmares about him, and that he saw him sometimes, since he didn’t want to lie completely about it. And his situation had improved, though Joseph considered that this was mostly thanks to the medication.

“Well,” Sebastian began to pat her head, “it’s hard, but you’re already doing better, Lily. I’m sure it’s the same for uncle Joseph, or else he wouldn’t be able to live here.”

\---

Lily was exhausted from the therapy, so Sebastian brought her rather early to bed after the dinner. He read her favorite book to her while Joseph stood at the door frame to Lily’s room, peeking shyly into it, observing father and daughter; like this, he was also able to have a better look at her new room, he hadn’t been in it since his arrival.

It was a serene and calming sight, and Joseph wondered if he would be able to be a parent to Lily, and take care of her like Sebastian did right now -

He left them before Lily fell asleep, and sat down in the living room, in front of the TV, but without switching it on.

Sebastian had tucked Lily in some minutes later, and came out of her room onto the stairs, seeing Joseph on the couch.

Watching the younger man from his spot, Sebastian warmed up a bit. Maybe they would be able to get closer this evening – though he was aware that he shouldn’t try too much, or go too far.

Anyway, he was glad and grateful to have Joseph beside him again, even if it wouldn’t work out into a relationship with him -

Though Sebastian should have a look at another task at hand; Joseph was staring at the black TV screen -

“Hey,” Sebastian reached out to Joseph, “how about some green tea? I bought some this morning, I think it was your favorite brand.”

Joseph startled; he had been focused on Ruvik whose reflection had been on the right upper corner of the black screen -

“What?” He turned his head to where Sebastian’s voice stemmed from. “Tea? Oh, yeah, yeah, why not - “

He appeared rather confused to Sebastian. Maybe some tea would actually help -

Sebastian entered the kitchen, and returned with two mugs of tea, placing them on the coffee table.

“I didn’t put any sugar or milk in it,” Sebastian said, “that’s how I remember you drank it.” Joseph wouldn’t always drink coffee in the department, but had had his own stash of green tea in his desk.

“You’re drinking, too?” Joseph quirked a brow at Sebastian’s mug. “Since when are you a tea drinker?”

The older man sat down next to Joseph, but not too close. “Well, I thought I should try it – I can’t always drink beer or whiskey, now with Lily.”

_And you._

“Though I added some sugar,” he admitted.

Joseph examined the tag on the tea bag; it was actually his favorite brand, sold only in Asian supermarkets -

“You also remembered the right brand,” he remarked, “how come?”

“I often saw the tea box in the office, with the brand name on it,” Sebastian replied, “and – you had a pack in your kitchen cabinet when I went there to get some of your stuff. You know, after you went ‘missing’.”

“Ah, yes, my flat – how did I – lose it?”

“You’re landlady arrived at the office one day, some months after Beacon. I – well, I told her that you were dead, as I was sure.”

“Yeah, kind of – understandable,” Joseph answered.

“Jo, I’m really sorry about that,” Sebastian hadn’t intended for their conversation to go into this direction.

Joseph waved his hand. “No, no, it’s okay – after everything that – happened in Beacon, probably everyone thought I was dead,” he tried to chuckle, “hell, even _I_ thought I was dead, if that makes any sense.”

Sebastian exhaled, not very confident about Joseph’s reaction. “Your landlady allowed me to take a few things out of your apartment – the one’s I gave you some time ago, and I suggested to her to sell as much as she could of your stuff, to make space for someone else to rent it.”

“Mh-hmm,” Joseph mumbled, not trying to think about his flat. He took the tea bag out of his mug, and put it on the ashtray, taking a sip from the beverage.

That was for Sebastian the sign to not delve more into this topic. He also began to drink from his tea, but left the small bag in it. The liquid tasted – unusual for his palate, and Sebastian was glad about the sugar in it.

“Oh, and I’m also sorry about Lily at dinner,” he added, “about telling her that you’re in therapy. It’s just, I couldn’t find any other way to convince her to go there, too. She didn’t like her first therapist, and it encouraged her to try it again with another one.”

“You didn’t want her to feel as if she’s the only one with these problems,” Joseph smiled faintly into his tea, “so I don’t mind.”

After another rather long sip, Sebastian said: “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Joseph replied. “And speaking of Lily: earlier, she told me that she’s going to school next week, but she didn’t seem to look forward to it.”

“I’m also not happy about it,” Sebastian shook his head, “Lily’s nine years old, but after a baseline assignment – instead of putting her into third grade, they’ll put her into the second. Her therapist explained to me, due to her imprisonment at Mobius, she couldn’t learn like any normal child, not to mention the psychological damage, and she’s mentally – kind of one or two years behind. Just the fact that she could already read and write and do some basic math Myra had taught her put her into second grade, or else they had put her into the first – or they wouldn’t let her enter at all.”

“Oh,” Joseph took a sip, “I’m sorry to hear that.” It was weird to him to listen to Sebastian’s sorrows; Joseph had most of the time only brooded about his own problems, and almost completely forgotten that the other man had to think about the little girl’s future, now that they were reunited, and all the worries and work that this presented. He shouldn’t have been so selfish -

Joseph wanted to console him, though he was never really good in these things. “Seb, Lily’s a bright girl, and I’m sure she’ll skip classes faster than you can think.”

“We’ll see about that. At the moment, I just hope that the class will accept her, and that she likes going to school.”

They went silent for some minutes to drink the rest of their teas.

But Joseph somehow wanted to support Sebastian and Lily further, if possible: “Could I come with you next Monday?”

Sebastian set his mug on the table after finishing it. “Of course!” He beamed at Joseph. “I’m sure it would help Lily a lot.”

“Okay, but,” Joseph set his mug on the table and pointed up and down at his clothes – or rather Sebastian’s sport clothes, “I would need some proper dress to go there. I don’t want to embarrass Lily on her first day at school. But – I don’t have any money for that.”

“I’ll lend you some,” Sebastian offered. He knew that Joseph didn’t want any gifts from him; he would probably also give Sebastian’s clothes back to him.

“I don’t know how to repay you - “ Joseph hoped that Sebastian didn’t have anything – sinister in mind as repayment.

Scratching his chin, Sebastian pondered for a moment. “I have an appointment with the chief tomorrow. Would you like to come along and discuss your future with her?”

Again, Joseph looked down on himself.

“She wouldn’t mind your clothes,” Sebastian seemed to read his mind.

“I don’t know if I can go there. To the department, I mean.”

“You still don’t want to see anyone?”

“ - Maybe at a later time.” Joseph lowered his gaze.

“I guess you don’t want to work for the police anymore, hm?”

“I don’t know,” Joseph gulped. “What will you do now? Stay with the KCPD?”

“I won’t work for homicide anymore, that’s for sure,” Sebastian said, running his hands over his thighs. “I have an idea, but I first would like to discuss that tomorrow with the chief.” He turned to Joseph. “And I’ll tell her that you’d come some other day, alright?”

Joseph nodded. “Yeah, alright.”

\---

The next morning, they managed to have breakfast all three together. Joseph had gone to bed immediately after his tea; the chat with Sebastian had again exhausted him, although they hadn’t even touched anything too intimate or sensitive.

When Sebastian wanted to leave after breakfast, the door bell rang.

“Who’s that?” Joseph asked, sipping at his coffee.

“Lily’s babysitter,” Sebastian answered, getting up from the kitchen table.

Joseph let his mug down, in something like a little shock.

Sebastian returned into the kitchen after a minute or two, accompanied by a young lady whom Joseph didn’t recognize.

“Aunt Tatiana!”

Lily sprang towards the woman who crouched down, opened her arms and welcomed the girl in them.

“Hello, Lily! How are you?” Tatiana greeted her.

“I’m okay, now that uncle Joseph’s here, too!” was Lily’s reply.

Joseph’s expression got a little gloomy; he stood up from the table and cleared his throat as audible as possible.

“Oh, hello to you, too, Mr. Oda,” Tatiana straightened herself again, holding Lily’s hand in her own left, and stretching her right one to Joseph. “I’m glad to see you finally conscious, and rather healthy. My name is Tatiana Gutierrez.”

“How come you know me?” Joseph crossed his arms.

Tatiana retreated her arm.

“Well,” Sebastian intervened, “I unfortunately forgot to tell him about you, Tatiana. Joseph, she was a nurse at Beacon Hospital, and – a member of Mobius.”

The young man stepped back, placing one of his hands on the top of the table to support himself.

“She helped me through STEM,” Sebastian explained further, “Myra smuggled her in to do so. I probably wouldn’t have made it _twice_ through STEM without her.”

“Please, you’re flattering me,” Tatiana waved her hand back and forth, and smiled wryly at Joseph, “and I looked after you every now and then, Mr. Oda, outside of STEM, when you were lying in your tub.”

Joseph glared at Sebastian. “ _And you trust her_ _to be_ _Lily’s_ _babysitter_ _?!_ ”

The addressed one motioned his hands in a helpless gesture -

“She’s alright, uncle Jo,” Lily said, “she’s very nice.”

“Thank you, Lily,” Tatiana told her.

“See, if Lily’s trusting her – and I’m telling you what I told Juli: if Myra trusted her so much, we can do that, too,” Sebastian concluded.

Myra, Lily, Juli – what the hell was going on here when Joseph had been unconscious for three years?!

He stomped to Sebastian who was standing at the kitchen door.

“Why do you need another babysitter for Lily? And on top of that, a former Mobius member!” Joseph hissed at the older man. “ _I can take care of_ _Lily_ _!_ ”

Sebastian rolled his eyes sheepishly. “I know that, but I’m gone for the whole day, and I don’t want to leave you all alone with Lily, she can be quite a handful sometimes.”

“Hey!” Lily squeaked offended.

“I didn’t mean it like that, darling,” Sebastian defended himself, but also grasped Joseph’s upper arms, “Jo, it’s just – I didn’t invite you to live here to be a housekeeper, or a babysitter – you’re still recovering, and Tatiana is here to help us.”

Visibly fuming, Joseph stampeded out of the kitchen and rushed to his room, on the verge of tears.

“Joseph!” Sebastian called after him, uselessly.

He moved around, stemming his fist into his hips. “I’m sorry – he just needs some time to adjust.”

“It’s alright,” Tatiana replied, “I wasn’t expecting him to welcome me enthusiastically.”

“Is Joseph angry with us?” Lily inquired.

Her father stroke her head. “No, he’s angry with me.”

\---

The chief looked at the paper Sebastian had given her; she shook her head, still not believing what she was reading.

“So, you’re resigning as detective,” she said, “you know that you’re the best detective the KCPD ever had?”

“Thank you, but – I can’t work like this anymore, now that I have Lily back. I need a more regular job, with normal work hours.”

“And your resignation has nothing to do with Joseph Oda? I don’t want to pry too much into your private life, but there are rumors about you two -”

Sebastian folded his arms, staring abashedly to his side. “This might be a reason, yes. One of us has to go, and Joseph himself hasn’t decided about his future yet. But I mainly have to take care about Lily – after the fire, I regretted that I had worked so much, and didn’t spend enough time with her and Myra.”

His boss nodded, but with a glint in her eyes. “That’s understandable. But, Castellanos, you surely made it a habit of yours to fall in love with your colleague.”

That moment, Sebastian wished the ground would swallow him whole out of embarrassment -

“Anyways,” his chief chuckled, “what do you want to do now, then?”

The now former detective rummaged in the bag he had with him, and fished a manila folder out of it.

He handed it to his now former chief. “I’ve heard of the vacant post as an instructor at the police college. I have all the qualifications, and all required years as an officer to do the job.”

“You really want to teach some rookies physical education at the college?”

“Who else but me? I survived STEM twice, despite my boozing.”

The woman leaned back in her chair, rubbing her temple with her fingers. “You’re right about that, but I didn’t mean that. I never saw you as someone who can handle this kind of teaching.”

Sebastian grimaced a bit. “It will be difficult, sure, but not impossible. Everyone has to learn new things at times – and besides that, you trusted me with Joseph and Juli Kidman back then.”

Still, the chief eyed him a bit skeptically. “Alright, I refer your application to the principal. I’ll put a good word for you in with him.”

With a faint smile, Sebastian answered, “Thanks again.”

“Castellanos, you could thank me by inviting me to your next wedding,” the chief winked at him.

\---

What an embarrassing leave; A wedding… Sebastian should be glad if Joseph would ever look at him again if he got home, and just to think of a romantic relationship was almost ridiculous at the moment.

Sebastian was kind of perplexed at how fast and easy rumors about him and Joseph spread – maybe he shouldn’t have shown his affection so much since they had rescued him.

But at the moment, Sebastian had other business to attend to. Some days ago, he had requested to see Myra’s file – the whole file about her, including Mobius, her death -

And how Juli had retrieved her – or rather her body.

He went to his office, and also had a glance at Joseph’s old desk while approaching the door; another detective was occupying it, and they greeted each other with a curt nod.

It was weird to find someone else at this desk, and it was even weirder that Joseph very likely wouldn’t return to it.

The door to his office was open, and Sebastian entered; the manila folders he had waited for were lying on his own desk.

Getting closer at it, Sebastian grabbed one of the folders and flopped on his chair. It was probably one of the last times Sebastian would work here – He took a deep breath.

That folder was about Myra’s ‘life’ at Mobius. The statements had been made by Juli and Tatiana, with whom she had worked most of the time.

A few statements were from Lily; she had given them some weeks ago, and Sebastian remembered that with a knot in his throat; it had been so hard for his little girl, and talking about it hadn’t been very useful. Myra hadn’t been very often with Lily, and if she had been, she usually had been very cold and indifferent about her.

Then there was his own statement about his wife. How she had disappeared, how she had left him with some leads about Mobius, how he thought that she was dead -

Sebastian closed the folder; he didn’t have to read this stuff again, he knew about it. Perhaps Joseph would add his statement, once he was up to it. Their chief had reminded him of that, they just had done without it so far out of regard for Joseph’s physical and mental health, and out of respect for his wish to not interact with his colleagues for now.

The next folder was how Myra had been discovered. It began with Juli’s report, and finally, he spotted the pictures he was searching for, both eager and afraid to have an eye on -

_Oh, god -_

He put one of his palms in front of his mouth in shock. It was even worse than how Juli had described it to him. Despite having experienced a lot of despicable and gruesome things in STEM, it was something different to see it with the woman he loved -

One photograph showed a bloody STEM tub, shreds of flesh scattered in and around it; the body that had been supposedly in it didn’t have a head anymore, and the rib cage had been burst open, showing some organs. Only the legs had been left whole.

Underneath this almost indiscernible mess, there were some rags of clothing which Sebastian recognized as the light colored clothes Myra had been wearing in STEM.

The rest of the images had recorded – well, smaller pieces of Myra on the floor at the place her body had been discovered: a finger, an eye, some teeth -

Her pearl earrings.

Sebastian’s hand slowly wandered up to his eyes, hiding the tears that had begun to silently stream down his cheeks, but also covering his eyes from this terrifying sight, not able to take it any longer.

He threw the folder on his desk, and it fortunately closed in the process.

As quick as possible, Sebastian regained his countenance, wiping away his tears; he had to make sure that Lily would _never_ see these pictures of her mother – or what was left of her.

It was time for him to go, since Sebastian had still so much to do for this day – something as mundane as buying groceries, but also thinking about Lily’s future, do something about Joseph.

Myra wasn’t here anymore, but she had laid out the foundation for Sebastian, Lily and Joseph being together from now on, and it was his task, no, his _duty_ , to take care of the future -

Their new future.

\---

“Uncle Joseph?” the tiny voice croaked at the door.

Joseph didn’t answer; he was lying in his bed, on his side, facing the wall, staring at it and at nothing. It was noon, and he had been in this position since he had lied down.

Lily approached the bed cautiously. “Uncle Joseph? It’s lunch-time. Don’t you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry,” he finally answered.

“But – aunt Tatiana cooked something for us -”

“I don’t want to eat her food,” he replied in monotonously.

The girl just stood there with hanging shoulders, gazing disappointed at her godfather’s back. Yes, aunt Tatiana’s food wasn’t very tasty, but it wasn’t _that_ bad -

“Lily, come on,” Tatiana called, “we’ll try it later.”

Sighing, Lily trotted back to her babysitter.

\---

Still in some sort of shock, Sebastian exited the department after some minutes.

“Detective Castellanos?”

Sebastian got spooked by that. “Who wants to know that?” He wasn’t a detective anymore, but reacted to it out of habit.

A young black man appeared in his eyesight, with no hair and glasses. “Hello, detective,” he said, “my name is Peter Johnson, I’m a reporter of the _Krimson Post_.” He proffered a business card.

Ignoring the card, Sebastian asked: “What do you want?”

Somewhat confused, the reporter put his card back into his jacket. “I would like to interview you about Mobius.”

“ _No._ ” Sebastian hurried to the parking lot.

Johnson followed him. “But I found out that you were quite the hero with the downfall of Mobius -”

_What the - ?_

Abruptly, Sebastian stopped again next to the journalist, turning to him; Johnson was smiling at him.

“And that you were involved in the Beacon Hospital scandal, in which Mobius had a huge part,” the young man continued.

For years, the police had managed to keep Beacon away from the public -

“Since you halted,” Johnson assumed, “that’s a sign you’ve been involved in everything.”

Taller than the young man, Sebastian stared him down. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Why not? The public should know about the man who helped getting the most dangerous organization _ever_ down, that almost took over the world -”

“And I said _no_. I’m trying to rebuild my life here, and the last thing I need is a nosy reporter who’ll disturb this. Don’t follow me, don’t ask me again, and I don’t want to see my name or face in your paper or website – or something from my family. Respect that, and I won’t get you into trouble _worse_ than Mobius.”

With that, he walked to his car, and left Johnson with hanging shoulders standing around.

\---

The nurse returned in the afternoon to look after Joseph, on her own. The man apparently hadn’t moved an inch in his bed.

She entered his room and closed the door. “Mr. Oda? Can I talk with you?”

“Do what you want.”

So Tatiana came to the bed and sat down on it.

At first, she didn’t say anything, but looked out of the window.

After a while, she turned her head to Joseph. “Lily is taking a nap. She’s really in a bad mood because of you.”

That was a punch in his gut; he hadn’t intended to do that to his little godchild – but he didn’t want to admit or show this in any way at the moment.

“I understand that it’s not easy for you to know how I take care of Lily, from what I’ve heard and seen about you and Mr. Castellanos,” Tatiana continued, “and you clearly don’t trust me.”

“What do you want?”

“I would like to tell you how I ended up with Mobius, as brief as I can. I worked as a nurse in a children’s hospital near Elk River. I saw so much pain and misery there, and I was so tired of not being able to do much about it.”

She paused, but Joseph kept on listening.

“And then I heard of this organization – they had promised so much, to make all these problems go away – I was so gullible.”

No answer.

“It took me some years to realize what Mobius was really up to, but it was too late. There was no way I could get out, or even stop them.”

_Why is she telling me this?_

“One day, over four years ago, Myra appeared at Mobius. She figured out that I wasn’t very ‘happy’ working for Mobius, and so I just took the shot. I admitted that I hated to work here, but that I would stay loyal since I couldn’t get out.”

Joseph frowned; that had been very brave, considering not knowing on which side Myra had been on.

“I was surprised when Myra smiled at me – you know, she never smiled as an agent. She explained to me that she was here to get her daughter Lily out – and as many people as possible. Of course, I had to make a deal with her: Help her destroy Mobius.”

“Uh-huh,” Joseph replied.

“My task in this scheme was to keep Mr. Castellanos alive, and you, too, at least as soon as you were out of STEM. And since he had a great part in destroying Mobius, I’m babysitting Lily occasionally, as a small token of gratitude.”

“Ah, okay,” the young man said.

“I know you don’t care much about that right now,” Tatiana stood up and smoothed her skirt, “but I’m certainly not your replacement. In fact, I won’t be able to support him that much anymore in the near future, nor is Juli.”

She walked to the door. “And if I may say so, it would be good for yourself, Mr. Castellanos and Lily if you would get better soon. They both need you.”

Gulping a knot down his throat, Joseph heard how his room’s door closed.

\---

So, Lily and Sebastian needed him? At the moment, it looked more like the other way around -

Joseph didn’t want to waver on his anger, but he had also felt so stupid the whole day, since he had fled into his room.

Although – it wasn’t just his will to not quiet down his anger that was stopping him. Every now and then, Ruvik would come closer, lurking over him, waiting for him to do a wrong move -

Even in the so-called rebellious teenage years he hadn’t been like this. As the child of Japanese immigrants Joseph hadn’t been able to behave like a typical teenager around his Canadian classmates; although his parents weren’t as strict as Japanese parents were thought to be, he always had to be above the locals, to prove himself to his teachers and to make his parents proud. He had always wondered how Canadian teenagers could be so carefree with their emotions -

His therapist had explained to him that, due to his experiences the few years before Beacon and going through STEM, only now he could show his repressed feelings. It wasn’t a weakness to express them, but he certainly had to find another and healthier way to do so.

Well, at least he hadn’t yelled at anyone, or had become kind of violent, and Joseph probably owed that to Lily’s presence. Joseph didn’t want to be more ridiculous in front of the girl than he already had been. It had been a good idea to run into his room.

\---

Sebastian returned in the early evening. His groceries had taken longer, since he also had a coffee and a bourbon at a diner, to somehow cope with the photographs he had seen earlier.

And with everything that awaited him at home -

Then there was this damn reporter. For years, Mobius’ meddling in Beacon Hospital had been a secret, and now this - ! Sebastian had also admitted to much to this guy...

He found his daughter and her babysitter in the kitchen.

“We had a nice day,” Tatiana reported, “but Mr. Oda stayed in his room the whole time.”

Nodding, Sebastian held Lily close who had come to welcome him home. “I feared as much. Thanks again for taking care of Lily.”

Tatiana grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder. “Well, I also tried to talk to Mr. Oda, but it unfortunately didn’t help much.”

“That’s okay, I’ll try it again, maybe he’ll listen to me.”

They brought the nurse to the door and said their good-byes to her.

Lily and her father sat down on the couch, cuddling. “I’m glad you’re here. Tatiana still can’t cook properly.”

“Oh-ho, Lily, don’t be so mean,” Sebastian chuckled, “but I know what you mean. Until the fire, mommy made food for us, and it was uncle Joseph who babysat you, and cooked for you then, you remember that?“

His chuckle suddenly struck in the craw.

“Yeah, I think I remember that,” Lily replied, “uncle Jojo’s dishes were always good!”

Sebastian let his palm run over his face; the fond memory of Joseph babysitting his godchild made it all so clear -

For years, Joseph helped out so that he and Myra could have some time for themselves.

Not only must he have felt used for taking care of the child of his secret crush, he also must have been sad to never ‘have some time’ with Sebastian -

Had Joseph felt like this back then? If not, perhaps he did now.

\---

Half an hour later, Sebastian knocked at the door to Joseph’s room. “Joseph?”

He didn’t get an answer, so he opened the door out of worry.

Joseph was lying in his bed, turned to the wall in a fetal curl; he had dozed off with all his ruminating, and Sebastian could see how he was breathing calmly.

Sebastian carried the tray of food he had in his arms to the desk. “Hey, Joseph, you okay?”

Startled by the voice, Joseph woke up. “Huh, what? Oh, yeah -”

“Sorry I woke you,” Sebastian apologized, “Tatiana had told me that you haven’t eaten all day, so I brought you something to bite.”

“Uh, thanks,” Joseph hesitatingly uttered.

“Or would you like to join us at the table? Tatiana went home, by the way.”

That simple request stirred Joseph up, somehow. He rose his upper body, moved around and placed his naked feet on the floor.

But he didn’t manage to look up to Sebastian. He let his head hang between his shoulders, clawing at the edge of his mattress and staring at the ground.

“Joseph?” Sebastian stepped a bit closer.

The addressed one hid his face behind his hands, his shoulders shaking.

Quickly, Sebastian sat down next to him. Again, he thought there wasn’t much he could do -

Except wrapping his arms around Joseph and tucking the younger man’s head under his chin. Sebastian even dared kissing him on his head -

Reminding himself of the reporter, Sebastian wanted to protect Joseph, wanted to protect the new life he tried to make with him and Lily -

They remained like this for some minutes. Joseph desperately tried to not sob into his holder’s shirt –

He freed himself a bit from Sebastian’s embrace. “ _Why am I like this?!_ _Why can’t I be more like you?_ ” Joseph complained.

Though he had tears in his eyes, he wasn’t crying. “ _You’ve been in STEM twice fighting for your life, and instead of whining around like me, you look after me and Lily - !_ ”

“Jo, you can’t be me because – you’re not me, as dumb as it sounds.”

“Yeah, but – I was lying in a tub while you were in hell, and I’m the one throwing tantrums -” Joseph covered his face with his hands again.

Sebastian pondered a minute before answering; he didn’t like these comparisons with himself. “Let me explain it like this: Do you know that most people who Myra saved from Mobius, are still in hospital or in a mental institution, and will probably stay for a long while? Tatiana told me so. You’re one of the few patients who already made it out.”

“Maybe I should have stayed there -”

“Aw, come on, Joseph, you’re doing fine. We knew that it would be difficult, so it’s okay when -”

“When I cry around like a baby?” Joseph wiped a small tear away.

“When you still have problems adjusting,” Sebastian corrected him, frowning.

“But – what about Lily? I didn’t mean to shock her like this.”

“She’s shocked because she hasn’t experienced your difficulties yet. I’m not going to say that she’s getting used to it, because I’m sure you’ll getting better. You are already doing better than in the hospital.”

Joseph didn’t know how to reply; here he was, self-loathing, while Sebastian supported him anew.

He also had felt the little kiss Sebastian had given him into his hair -

“Maybe it’s not the best moment to ask this, but”, Sebastian began, “if you’d like to make it up to Lily, we could go shopping tomorrow. You know, for your clothes. And Lily also needs something new for her first school day -”

“I forgot to tell you, I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my therapist. I don’t think I’ll be up to anything else after that -”

“Okay, then on Saturday. I also have to do stuff until then.”

Rubbing his face clean from any sadness, Joseph tried to put a – normal face on. “How was your talk with the chief? What did you tell her you want to work in the future?”

“Care to listen to this with Lily at the kitchen table?” Sebastian smiled.

The patient thought for a while. “I guess I’ll join you there then.”

\---

As Joseph had predicted, he wasn’t up to much else after his therapy session. Sebastian had driven him there, and had just waited in the car, reading a book about depression, since he had two good reasons at home to know more about it -

Around noon, they returned to the apartment. Juli had looked after Lily this time, and would stay for lunch with them.

But Joseph only murmured ‘not hungry’ and went up to his room to take a nap.

He couldn’t fall asleep immediately though: Ruvik had bothered him the whole morning, even in his session. Joseph still wasn’t sure if he should tell his therapist more about this.

Only when Lily and Sebastian were around, the cloaked ghost wasn’t around; especially Sebastian’s attention had this kind of effect on him. Like yesterday, when the older man had comforted him, or today when he had brought him to the hospital and back -

Lily followed her godfather suit and also wanted to sleep a bit after the lunch. She appeared rather nervous the closer her big day at school came -

Like this, Sebastian had the opportunity to speak with Juli about an urgent matter.

“A reporter from the _Krimson Post_ approached me the other day,” he broke the news, “he knows that I had something to do with Mobius and STEM.”

“ _Damn -_ “ Juli closed her eyes.

“Exactly my thought.”

“We tried everything to keep you, Myra and Lily out of this – how did this came out?”

“Probably a leak at the department,” Sebastian deduced, “you know what the right amount of money can do.”

“What did he want from you?”

The two were sitting at the kitchen table, and Sebastian lit a cigarette, the first of this day. “He asked for an interview with me. Something about ‘the hero who took out Mobius’, and shit like that.”

“And I assume you said no?”

“Yeah.”

Juli leaned back in her chair, picking at her jaw. “Maybe that wasn’t a good idea -”

“You mean I should have agreed to an interview?! I don’t want to talk about these things to a reporter, or to be in the spotlight of the public - !”

“I understand, but you know how these journalists are – he probably won’t let go of you until he gets what he wants.”

“So, what should I do now?” Sebastian moaned.

“Let me think,” Juli defended herself, “you have the name of this reporter?”

“He called himself Peter Johnson.”

“Then we should talk to the chief. Perhaps she can do something about it. She has better contacts to the _Post_ than we do.”

Sebastian pulled on his cigarette. “I hope she can. I don’t want this - “ he gestured around, “any more disturbed. It’s already hard on Lily and Joseph as it is, and I also couldn’t take anymore.”

“Yes, of course,” Juli nodded, though she had the perception the latter part of Sebastian’s statement was very likely the truest.

\---

Saturday came, and they went to the shopping mall in their neighborhood. It had been build last year, and because even Sebastian hadn’t been here, it was a new venue for all three of them.

“Where should we go first?” Sebastian asked, searching on the floor map for the shops.

“I want a new dress!” Lily demanded.

“If that’s so,” Joseph smiled at her, “then we should buy your things first.”

Sebastian scolded his daughter: “Don’t you think we should look for uncle Joseph’s clothes first? He’s still weak, and might get tired easily.”

Joseph grimaced at the other man. “As if there aren’t any opportunities here to rest. I’ll sit in the café or on one of the many benches here if I get tired, so don’t worry about me.”

Still a bit skeptical, Sebastian led them to a kid’s clothing store, and Lily ran straight to the pretty dresses in the girl’s department.

“You know, Lily,” Joseph had followed her, “the dresses are very nice, but it’s slowly getting colder outside. You might catch a cold with it on your first week at school, if you decide to wear it then.”

“But – I don’t like my old dresses anymore...”

“Old dresses? Haven’t they been burnt in the fire?”

“Juli bought her some after we got her out of STEM,” Sebastian caught up on them, and then turned to his daughter, “and I’m okay to get her a new one, but only one. And uncle Joseph is right, we should get you something for the cold days coming.”

After a huff, Joseph assisted Lily with selecting some dresses and other clothes to try on, and accompanied her to the changing rooms.

When Lily disappeared in the cubicle, the younger man spoke to Sebastian: “I guess if you buy her all this, I shouldn’t get too much for myself. Even if you’re just lending money to me, it would become too expensive -”

Sebastian quickly waved Joseph’s concerns aside. “That’s not a problem. Myra left me and Lily an astonishing sum – I still can’t believe it when I see the numbers.”

“Uhm – where did she get this money?”

“As an agent. Pressed Mobius out of every penny she could get.”

Joseph put his fists into the pockets of his jogging pants, directing his gaze on the floor. “And – you wanna use it on me?”

“Of course! It’s more than enough. And Myra would have wanted you to benefit from her money.”

“I don’t know. Neither you nor I are working -”

“You really worry too much,” Sebastian reached out to touch Joseph’s arm -

Lily came out of the changing room and got their attention. She presented every piece of clothing one by one, and after rounds and rounds of parading in front of the adults and much consideration, they decided on a jeans flap trouser, a red jumper as well as a grey polka dot rain coat. Only with the dress the two men let the girl have her way, and so she chose a green one with flower prints.

In the end, it was Sebastian who had to sit down on a chair offered in the store, after about fifteen minutes.

He leaned back in it, and just enjoyed how Joseph and his daughter interacted with each other. Lily’s face was glowing brightly while showing her clothes to them, especially to Joseph, and the other man smiled so often at her sight, shining almost in competition to the girl.

If only all their days could be like this – it was almost as before Mobius...

They had needed about an hour for Lily’s clothing, so they now had time for Joseph’s stuff.

Joseph had been embarrassed of going shopping in jogging pants, and it wasn’t just that that; although he had gained some proper weight and muscles, Sebastian’s clothes were still too big for him, since they were just not his size.

There weren’t many clothes Joseph wanted, preferring them to be rather simple. He chose four black trousers, like the ones he always had been wearing, and a few white dress shirts, again like the ones he had in the past. But he also needed a jacket for the upcoming fall; he would look for a winter coat when it was time for it. Shoes he would buy at another store, as well as new underwear.

Lily had gazed with big eyes at him when he stepped out of his changing cubicle; her uncle Joseph looked finally like her uncle Jojo, the one she knew before all the terrible things had occurred -

She wasn’t the only one who admired Joseph in his shirt and trousers; Sebastian liked his new, or rather old, style. At one point, he even kept his eyes a bit _too_ long on the other man’s butt that now looked so well-formed in these pants -

Had he ever stared at Joseph’s buttocks like this when they were still working together? If so, Sebastian couldn’t remember it.

He cleared his throat, feeling suddenly a bit warm. “What about a vest?”

Joseph slowly shook his head, staring at his shirts and trousers in his arms. “No, I don’t want these fancy things anymore.”

“But don’t you want another color?” Lily wondered. “It’s just black and white.”

Searching around in the store, Joseph went to a rack with light blue shirts. “Hmm, I guess you’re right. I should at least get one of these.”

\---

They had to walk for a while until they got to the Asian supermarket.

Wandering through the aisles with all the exotic stuff, Joseph selected some interesting fruits and vegetables for their dinner, as well as his favorite soy sauce, while explaining this or that product to Lily and Sebastian.

The girl examined everything, and clearly enjoyed learning about the new and unusual things in this store; she always had loved to learn, that’s why she had been able to read and write rather early. Not to mention that all the colorful packaging, especially that of the candy, was attracting a child like her.

On the other hand, her father was frowning or wondering at the food, often enough with artificial and not very healthy ingredients. Although he had eaten Chinese meals throughout his whole life, Sebastian hadn’t really cared much about how it had been made, or what was in it. But at least Joseph had grabbed comparatively healthy and fresh food; and he could get used to some new tastes in his life -

The shop didn’t just have edible goods, but also some sort of Asian souvenirs, as well as tableware like bowls, plates, chopsticks from the respective countries. Joseph stood in front of the rack, inspecting some of the ceramics.

“Could you borrow me some money for a bowl and some scented sticks?” he asked Sebastian.

“You don’t have to ask, Jo, just buy what you want – since I’m not your dad,” Sebastian got back at Joseph’s earlier rebuke, “we’ll take care of the money later.” It wasn’t as if the items were expensive.

Embarrassed by that remark, Joseph got himself a simple small black bowl and sandalwood scented sticks; Sebastian had an idea for what they would be used -

“Perhaps we could go to the playground you told me often about, Lily,” he said after they exited the market, “I need some sand from there.”

“Why?” Lily was carrying two packs of Pocky sticks, one strawberry flavored and the other with banana; she hadn’t been able to resist them – and Sebastian had allowed her to have.

“You remember when I went to my parents during Christmas and New Year’s to Canada? Well, they died in a car accident after you disappeared, and I would like to light some scent for them in the bowl – and I need sand to keep the sticks standing.”

“You mean, you want to light them like a candle?”

“Yes, but in my family, we never used candles.”

Lily suddenly became rather quiet, almost squeezing her candy to her chest.

Joseph had a notion why she was like this. “Would you like me to light a stick for your mother?”

The little girl answered, but only after some moments: “No, I don’t want that.” She walked slowly away.

Sebastian stepped closer to Joseph, sighing. “I don’t know what to do about Lily. This is how she reacts most of the time when I try to talk about her mother to her.”

“I see,” Joseph replied; the two men followed Lily, so that they wouldn’t lose her out of her sight.

\---

They stayed at the playground for an hour or two, collecting the sand Joseph had requested and which he could find lying all around; the two men sat down at a bench, watching Lily as she was playing with the other children. Sebastian as well as Joseph were too exhausted from the shopping, and at least the little one appeared to have her high spirits again.

As soon as they returned home and Joseph began to unpack their purchases in the kitchen, he let out an “Oh, _shoot_!” Lily was still with the two men, after all.

“What is it, Jo?” Sebastian asked.

“I totally forgot – my therapist recommended me to write a diary, but I didn’t get myself a notebook of some sort -”

“I think I can help you out,” Sebastian said, “I have some notebooks in my desk. I also write a diary.”

Joseph blinked in surprise. “ _You_ write a diary?!”

“Really, daddy?” Lily now jumped in.

“Yeah, well,” the older man patted his neck a bit abashedly, “I always did. I don’t know why I started, but I would like to give them to Lily one day.”

“Can’t I just read them now?” the girl inquired.

“No, sweetheart, you wouldn’t understand everything,” Sebastian stroke her hair, “later, when you’re older.”

Joseph smiled faintly in understanding; Sebastian probably had written down everything about STEM and Mobius.

“I’ll get you the book,” Sebastian offered.

After some minutes, he came back. “Here.”

The other man took the notebook Sebastian handed him; it was a simple grey softcover book, with a black spine and ruled paper.

Sebastian shrugged his shoulders. “It’s nothing pretty, but it should do the trick.”

Examining the book in his hands for some moments, Joseph then held it close to his chest. “Thanks.”

“I’ll give you one of my pens!” Lily exclaimed and rushed to her room.

She came back to the kitchen, running to Joseph, panting while giving him a pen. “This is for you!”

Joseph grasped the pen carefully, and stared at it in astonishment; it was one of the unicorns’ pens Sebastian had bought her during the vacation at the coast, and was light blue with white unicorns on it.

“Thank you, too, darling,” he chuckled at his beaming goddaughter.

Lily then had to go to the bathroom, and Sebastian carried her new and Joseph’s clothes upstairs. They left Joseph alone in the kitchen, letting him look after the rest of the stuff they had got.

He fished every item one by one out of the bags, setting each on the counter, until he reached the last one -

A six-pack of beers.

In disgust, Joseph let it almost fall on the surface.

It was a Chinese brand; Sebastian likely had gotten it from the Asian store when Joseph had been busy with Lily, her father paying at the cashier.

Suddenly, Ruvik was standing at the kitchen table, in the middle of the room, grinning at him; Joseph knew this grin too well, having seen it in STEM and in his nightmares.

_Oh, no, no, no, I will not let this nice day be ruined -_

To calm himself down, Joseph buzzed around in the kitchen, putting all their bought stuff into their designated place in the closets.

But the six-pack stood there like a bad memory; Joseph couldn’t help it but glimpse at it while tidying up. At some point, he couldn’t stand its sight, and fiercely grabbed the cans to throw them in the refrigerator. After slamming its door, Joseph hurried out of the kitchen.

\---

He walked past Lily’s and Sebastian’s rooms. Joseph had seen from the corner of his eye that the little girl had lied down, apparently for a nap, and Sebastian covering her with a blanket.

Finally in his own room, Joseph had to endure Ruvik again, this time waiting at his desk.

Joseph didn’t want to give up so easily. He walked to his closet and dragged the box with his personal things Sebastian had given him in the hospital out of it.

Searching for some seconds, Joseph pulled out what he was looking for: the old pictures that he had had on the chest of drawers in his living room so many years ago -

Ruvik stood still next to him, but Joseph managed to ignore him as soon as he had pressed the pictures to his chest; he now remembered that he had left the notebook and the pen on the kitchen counter.

After taking a deep breath, Joseph got up to walk to the chest of drawers at the door. Sebastian had been so kind to bring him his little bowl, the sand and the incense there.

The first photograph he set on the chest was the one from the police picnic. Joseph actually cringed at it a little; it was from a different time, almost from a different world – and way too cheesy.

And it hurt him to see Myra – Myra, who had done so much for him.

Next was the picture of him and Lily as a baby, held closely in his arms. God, how young he looked, and how tiny the little girl had been – but she was as cheerful as she had been back then.

Sebastian showed up in the door: “Here you are.”

“Yeah,” Joseph replied, “I thought I finally take care of this.”

At last, there was the photograph of his parents.

Joseph gazed at it for a while; there they were, his mom and his dad, their hands on his small shoulders. The picture had been taken at a mall where they had also bought that teddy bear for him.

“Jo, you okay?”

One or two tears had dropped on the frame’s glass from Joseph’s eyes, unnoticed by the young man.

He quickly wiped the tears away. “I have to visit their graves some time soon. No one has taken care of them.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tend to them,” Sebastian shook his head, “but then, I also never tended to Lily’s supposed grave.”

“What about – Myra’s?”

The older man took one step back. “To be honest, I haven’t seen it since Juli had shown it to me, months ago -”

“But – we have to go there,” Joseph placed the frame on the chest.

“I know, I know, it’s just,” Sebastian inhaled sharply, “I had to take care of Lily, of you – and somehow I didn’t really want to visit it. And I wanted to go there at least with Lily - “

Joseph poured the sand from the small plastic bag they had brought it home in into the bowl. “Well, if that’s so.”

“Would you – like to come with us? When you and Lily are better?”

Opening the incense sticks package, Joseph took two out and stuck them into the sand. “Yeah, we can do that.”

Sebastian offered him his cigarette lighter. “And then we can go to Canada.”

“Thanks,” Joseph murmured, lighting the sticks, “say, would you like to have the photos with Lily and Myra? Maybe for the living room?”

“- Let’s wait with that. They might upset Lily.” Not to mention himself, too.

Nodding, Joseph turned to the pictures; he folded his hands in front of his face, and lowered his head a bit.

He appeared to be in some sort of prayer, so Sebastian wanted to give him his moment. It was weird though, he had never witnessed Joseph to be religious or spiritual -

Suddenly, Joseph let his hands down. He looked kind of – clearer, somehow. “Alright, let’s stop with all the gloomy feelings. We’ll have some dinner to prepare.”

\---

‘We’ had been probably the wrong term from Joseph, since in the end, he wanted to do everything on his own, despite Sebastian pleading to assist.

“It’s one of my special recipes,” Joseph explained, “I can’t let you meddle with this one.”

But then, Sebastian had still some paperwork to do for his job application, so he let Joseph have his way. He brought the papers to the kitchen, to have an eye on Joseph, just in case the other one wasn’t feeling very well after this busy day.

Every now and then, Sebastian would glance at Joseph. The chef for the evening was still wearing his white shirt and black trousers he had kept on – and in which he looked incredibly good – but he also had an apron over his clothes, a silly thing Juli had bought for Sebastian once he had started to properly cook because of Lily – she had discovered an actual cook book a while ago here in the kitchen; Sebastian had decided to make a bit more than scrambled eggs and spaghetti.

It was relieving to watch Joseph like this: he was relaxed and in something of a good mood. Joseph, too, intended to have a nice evening.

Lily woke up from the interesting smells from downstairs, and came into the kitchen shortly before Joseph had finished his cooking, and sat down at the table. Sebastian put his papers away and brought some cutlery.

Joseph carried the plates to them with his oh-so ‘special recipe’ which in the end was made of rice with seasoned vegetables.

“I think I remember this,” Lily called out, grabbing a fork.

“Yes, I made this for you when you were smaller,” Joseph reminded her, “when your parents wanted to be for themselves, and I looked after you for some hours. And just like back then, I only used two spoonfuls of soy sauce, since I’m not sure you – and I, too – can already eat that kind of stuff.” He patted her head. “You, Seb, can put more in it, if you want to.”

Sebastian frowned a little at the mention of Joseph’s babysitting, but nevertheless sank his own fork into the meal.

As Joseph had indicated, it tasted great, but was missing something. However, it wasn’t the soy sauce, so Sebastian stood up to cross to the refrigerator, while Joseph served Lily and himself some orange juice.

Earlier on, Sebastian had wondered where Joseph had hidden the beer, until he had found it in the big cold box. He grabbed the six-pack to separate one can.

“I think this is the perfect opportunity to try this stuff out,” he said, returning to the table.

He let the beer into his ready glass, and took a few refreshing sips.

Now there was a frown in Joseph’s face, but he didn’t object; as far as he knew, Sebastian had never been drunk since he had come out of STEM, and at least neither Juli nor Lily had ever mentioned anything about any boozing.

That was ridiculous anyway; despite recalling all the awful things that had happened between him and Sebastian, and sometimes almost sensing them, Joseph was aware of the – lighter atmosphere in this apartment, likely owed to Lily’s presence, and it would have certainly not prevailed -

But nevertheless, there he was, Ruvik behind Sebastian; he had disappeared when Joseph had arranged his photographs, but now was back, reminding him to be careful about the booze -

\---

The dinner had been very pleasant in the end, with Lily talking about what she wanted to wear on her first day at school, and Sebastian about his application for the police college.

And fortunately, the future school tutor had remained at one beer -

“What are you going to do now, Joseph?” Lily had asked at some point, since her godfather hadn’t contributed much to their chat, being mostly busy by shutting Ruvik out as much as possible.

Joseph had looked at her. “I don’t know yet. I guess I would like to stay with the police.”

After the dinner, Lily went on to the TV to watch her favorite sitcom, while Joseph took on to the dish washing.

“Let me help you with that,” Sebastian said, and grabbed the kitchen towel from Joseph’s shoulder. “since you cooked for us.”

The younger man handed one of the cleaned plates to Sebastian.

Sebastian would have liked Joseph to chat more during the dinner. “It was a nice day, and a nice dinner. Thanks for that, Jo.”

“You’re welcome,” Joseph replied curtly, avoiding Sebastian’s eyes. Although he also had enjoyed the whole day, he somehow felt betrayed due to the one can on the table – and Ruvik still in the room.

By now, Sebastian shouldn’t wonder about Joseph’s mood swings, but he did anyway. “Is something the matter?”

During the whole evening, Joseph had tried to ignore Ruvik, but rather his anger about the past that Sebastian had brought up with the beer.

Joseph brushed the next plate a little too eagerly: “Did you have to get that beer?”

A bit baffled, Sebastian answered: “Well, I just wanted to try it – I never tried Chinese beer.”

Stopping in his tracks, Joseph was clearly irritated. “Yeah, but – did you have to buy six of them? Wouldn’t one have been enough?”

“I don’t know – I hadn’t seen any single cans -”

Swinging the towel over his shoulder, Sebastian probably wouldn’t need to dry another plate. Maybe it had been too early to drink alcohol in front of Joseph, and the younger man had good reasons to be angry with him -

“Joseph, listen,” Sebastian hesitated, “I’m not boozing myself into unconsciousness. I can’t to that now with you and Lily, I told you. I have one or two beers in the week, I hadn’t had whiskey -”

He paused; he recalled the bourbon he had had a few days ago.

“So, you hadn’t had whiskey since when?” Joseph asked, noticing that something wasn’t right.

Sebastian sighed. “I had a glass of whiskey some days ago. In a diner, after I’ve been at the department. But only one!”

“Why?”

“I – I had seen some horrible pictures of Myra in her file. I had requested to see her file after her body had been found.”

“You couldn’t stand her pictures without some whiskey already, how are you going to stand my or Lily’s tantrums?!”

“You don’t understand. You haven’t seen these pictures – in fact, I don’t even want to you or Lily to ever see them.” Sebastian folded his arms to hide the shudder that went through him due to the memory of his wife ending like this. “It was a moment of weakness -”

“Yeah, let’s hope there won’t be any more.”

Joseph picked up again on washing and thrust the dishes into Sebastian’s hands to dry them, almost hurting the other man.

But Sebastian was hurt anyway – and this time, he wouldn’t budge. How could Joseph not get this in his head that seeing Myra like this was more than he could take - ?!

“Why did you never tell me that your parents had died?” he asked out of the blue.

“What?! Why do you bring my parents up?”

“Only when I got your stuff from your flat, your landlady back then told me that your parents had died in an accident. Why did I have to get to know this from your landlady, and not from you personally?”

Joseph was actually startled, not sure how to answer. Hadn’t he told Sebastian about his own private tragedy - ?

No, he hadn’t, now Joseph remembered. He had gone earlier to Canada, without telling Sebastian.

“What would have been the point in that?!” he replied in the end. “As if you would have listened – you and your drinking and conspiracy theories - !”

He wanted to say ‘stupid conspiracy theories’, but since they all had turned out to be true -

“You gave a shit about anything else anymore - “ Joseph added, his voice getting lower.

_At least you gave a shit about me -_

Sebastian gawped at him, surprised by the other man’s rather colorful choice of words here, something Joseph hardly ever did. He actually shied away a bit, already regretting having brought up the topic of Joseph’s parents.

And of course, Joseph was right about everything – again.

After some moments, Sebastian reconsidered his strategy here. “You know, maybe – maybe I could have helped you, with the funeral and everything.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Or perhaps I would have – haven’t been so reckless with you anymore -” Sebastian tried a bit more.

Joseph threw the sponge into the sink, water splashing all around. “ _Oh, so it’s now_ _MY_ _fault that you didn’t stop boozing?!_ ” he yelled at Sebastian.

“That’s not what I meant, Jo - !”

“ _Don’t ‘Jo’ me here!_ ” He gestured at the rest of the uncleaned dishes. “You can finish this on your own!”

Just as some days ago, Joseph stomped to his room, not only past Lily, but this time also past a cackling Ruvik...

\---

Of course, Lily had heard almost everything from their argument, and had been sitting like a tight knot in front of the TV when Joseph had rust behind her up the stairs; she hated it when her father and her godfather argued – and it surely wouldn’t have been the last time.

“Is uncle Joseph okay?” she worried after the Sebastian had pulled the blanket over her.

Sebastian huffed and sat down on her bed; how often would he have to talk about this with Lily? “Yes, he was angry with me.”

“Why?”

“Remember when I told you that Joseph was angry with me when you were gone?”

Lily nodded.

“You’ve seen that I drank a beer during our dinner,” he described the situation further.

“I also remember, when I was smaller, you told me that beer is not for children, only for adults.”

“I did that?” Sebastian wondered. “Oh, well – uncle Joseph and I fought very often because I had drunk too much beer.” He didn’t have to disclose the more difficult whiskey to her now.

“Because it made your head all fuzzy? That’s why I wasn’t allowed to drink it, when you explained it to me,” Lily remarked.

“Yes, my head was all fuzzy, many, many times. I wanted my head to be all fuzzy because I was so sad that I had lost you, and later mommy - “

Swallowing, Sebastian looked past Lily at the plush bear next to her pillow; it wasn’t easy for him to discuss these things with his little girl.

He shook himself out of his pensiveness. “And often, I would fight with Joseph about the beer – almost like tonight."

“And the beer you had at the dinner reminded Joseph of that time?” Lily inquired.

“Yes, that’s what’s upset him so much, and we unfortunately fought again about it.”

Lily pondered a bit. “Will you two be alright again?”

“Sure,” Sebastian smiled, “but rather tomorrow, when we both calmed down.”

Although – there was maybe one thing he could do right now to better the situation -

\---

Sebastian opened the door of the refrigerator. For a while, he only stared at the beer cans, until he finally grabbed them to carry them besides the sink.

He leaned forward on the counter, placing both his hands on each side of the cans.

Should he do it? Should he get rid of the beer?

On the one hand, Sebastian knew that it had been a mistake to drink a beer in front of Joseph, so soon after his release from the hospital.

But he also didn’t want to give in, didn’t want to be told how he should behave – in his own home, on top of that! Sebastian knew very well about his vices, he had already cut on them. How could Joseph think that he would booze and smoke now, with two people in his home who needed so much care - ?!

There was one point, though, Joseph had been possibly right about: What if his ‘moments of weakness’ would appear too often, as soon as an argument or a situation would become too much for him to handle?

So, Sebastian gripped the first can, popped it open and emptied its content into the sink; he did the same with three others, leaving one can for him.

After taking it from the ring package, he threw the plastic away, and put the last can back into the refrigerator.

\---

Some time later, Sebastian went to bed, but apparently, he couldn’t sleep. He woke up many times, and once, he woke up to a terrible scene.

He was in a dark room; everything was pitch black, and it seemed as if there was nothing around him.

Was he awake? But he was moving, and standing on his two feet on a hard ground, he could feel that.

_Oh, god, I’m back in STEM - !_

Turning around, he finally could discern something in the distance: a ray of light was shining on something white and red, and it resembled one of those STEM tubs -

Filled with blood.

Sebastian walked closer to it; the nearer he got, the more his eyes widened in horror -

As he expected – no, feared – it was Myra.

What was left of her. Nothing more than a pile of flesh and blood in a white jumper -

Suddenly, more and more rays of light were flashing up, showing Sebastian more parts of Myra scattered on the ground.

There was an eye, here were some teeth, behind that some brain matter -

Not able to close his eyes from this sight, Sebastian froze at his place. His throat was utterly dry, and he wished that it was completely dark again.

But this wasn’t the end of the horror display. The lights around the tub went dark, Myra’s body parts flickered, disappeared and were replaced by a smaller body -

Lily was now lying in the tub, and Sebastian couldn’t tell if she was just sleeping or dead -

Sebastian was able to move again, and approached his daughter.

_Please, let her be alive - !_

He wanted to touch her, but as soon as his fingers were on her skin, she also began to flicker, her body now vanished, and instead of her, Joseph was in the tub all of a sudden.

Stepping back, Sebastian realized that this wasn’t the ‘normal’ Joseph – it was the zombie Joseph, pale and with cracked and bloody skin.

Joseph shut his eyes open, grunted and snarled at Sebastian. His fingers clawed at the edge of the tub, and he slowly lifted himself out of it -

Again, Sebastian couldn’t move, his eyes locked to Joseph’s dead ones; the zombie closed in to him, and something made Sebastian just stay at this spot, although he knew he could move, and just waited for Joseph to reach out for his throat with his gloved hands -

\---

Sebastian jumped up in this bed, sweating and panting.

_Thank god, it was just a nightmare - !_

He kept going with the heavy breathing for some more moments, but finally calmed down. Wiping his forehead with his forearm from the sweat, Sebastian set his feet on the ground.

Oddly, his throat was as dry as in his dream, so he stood up to get a glass of water.

The alarm clock at his night stand showed that it was past 11 pm; he had gone to bed about an hour ago, earlier than usual on a Saturday night.

Because he was already outside of his room, he went to look after Lily.

The door to her room was ajar, as always. Although he was sure that nothing had happened to her and that he only had had a nightmare, Sebastian was content to see his daughter snuggled up in her bed, some of the night light shining on her; she sometimes needed that light, since she was often afraid of the dark – and it also helped with the nightmares.

Joseph came into Sebastian’s mind; he was okay, right - ?

Sebastian walked over to the door of Joseph’s room. The first days after the patient arrived here, Joseph had left the door open a bit, as Sebastian had observed, but the last two or three it usually had been closed -

He placed his hand on the door handle, pushed it down and tried to move it as quietly as possible -

\---

Joseph was lying in his bed, again turned to the wall, again in a fetal position. He had been like this for since he had commanded Sebastian to wash the dishes on his own – Hours must have passed, and Joseph hadn’t closed an eye yet.

_What was I thinking?!_

He was angry with Sebastian about the beer, but he was furious at himself for reacting like this.

And for what? Sebastian had always been drinking a beer or whiskey during the week, as long as Joseph had known him, and yes, it sometimes occurred when a case was too much for him – especially when children had been involved, even back then; it was just Sebastian’s way to deal with the job, albeit not the best one. But he always managed to not overdo it.

Joseph himself wasn’t any better anyway. How many times had he shared a drink with Sebastian? It was a surprise that Sebastian hadn’t mentioned that yet. And what about the expensive Japanese whiskey he had had in his kitchen, in his old apartment? Hadn’t he been drinking it even more often after Lily’s supposed death - ?

At first, he had believed that Ruvik would ruin this day, but in the end, it had been himself who had done so, a great day he hadn’t had in ages, and all because he couldn’t control himself anymore -

Also, hadn’t Sebastian proven that he had changed?

_He hasn’t said that he loves me. Not directly, at least._

But even if: Sebastian cared about him more than before Beacon, even more than before the fire.

Which was mostly owed to the fact that Myra wasn’t there anymore -

Exhaling, he didn’t want to remember Myra, so he rather distracted himself by recalling Sebastian talking about his diary writing. Well, that had been quite a surprise, too. Joseph hadn’t expected a rather – simple guy as Sebastian to write a diary. There wasn’t any other man around him who did this – Joseph himself wasn’t writing one either, but maybe nobody was speaking about it. Hadn’t Sebastian also mentioned that he had owned a plush toy from his childhood, just as Joseph did - ?

A noise from the door startled him. Did Ruvik do that - ?

No, of course not. Joseph wasn’t that crazy -

Or was he? Ruvik had been standing in the middle of the room the whole time Joseph was in bed -

Joseph motioned his head towards the door; he wasn’t wearing his glasses, so his eyesight was even worse in the dark. All he could see was a tall shadow with a familiar shape -

“Seb?”

The addressed one rolled his eyes. So much for being as quiet as possible.

“Sorry,” Sebastian replied, opening the door a bit further. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

“You didn’t wake me.”

“Ah. Well, I wanted to check if you’re okay -”

For some moments, Sebastian only stood there, waiting for Joseph to say something.

“Uhm – would you come in and stay for a while?” Joseph asked in the end. “Seems you can’t sleep either. Perhaps we could have a chat - ?”

That was certainly weird, a chat close to midnight. At least Joseph sounded as if he wasn’t that angry anymore.

Nevertheless, Sebastian entered the room and sat down on the chair by the desk. “Can I turn the light on the desk on? It’s kind of – creepy to to talk to you in the dark.”

“Sure.”

The light was on, but Joseph remained in his position, his back towards Sebastian.

“I hope,” Joseph started, “it’s okay if I don’t apologize every time? You know how sorry I am.”

Sebastian chuckled. “Yeah, I do. And considering that I hardly ever apologized to you when you I was mad with you -”

“Huh -”

“ - You also know how sorry I am about – how I treated you before Beacon Hospital, right?”

“Of course I do,” Joseph smiled faintly to himself, “though at the moment, I show you the opposite of appreciating it.”

They didn’t say anything for a while, neither of them certain of what to say next; so much for the chat.

“You still want to be with me, as you had announced it to me?” Joseph suddenly asked.

Rubbing his palms on his thighs, Sebastian hesitated a bit; that was unexpected. “Yes, I still want to be with you. But I don’t want to rush anything.”

“Despite me behaving like an idiot?”

The older man didn’t like it when Joseph talked like this about himself. “Let me explain it like this, Jo: Would I give up Lily for adoption because she’s difficult sometimes due to STEM and Mobius?”

It wasn’t actually meant as a joke, but the two men had to snicker anyway. “No, I don’t think so,” Joseph said.

“We’ve all been through a lot. It will take time and work to live with everything we’ve experienced.”

“But – why me?” Joseph inquired. “I mean, I’m a man, and you’re straight, right?”

Another strange question. This time, Sebastian bowed forwards, his elbows on his thighs, clasping his hands between them. “I – I can’t really explain it to you. I also thought a lot about it, but I didn’t came to any proper conclusion. It kind of – happened, sorta.”

That wasn’t a good answer, in Joseph’s eyes. There was maybe one indicator how serious Sebastian was about them.

“Hmm,” he mumbled, “so, you want to have sex with me?”

Sebastian shook a bit; had he heard right? “Ehm -”

“Not _now_ , obviously, but – do you want to kiss me, and do all the – physical stuff with me?”

Body tensing, Sebastian sat up straight again in his chair. He _did_ have some – fantasies about Joseph, doing rather unseemly things with the other man; but that had been at a time when he had believed that Joseph was dead -

The memory made him cringe inwardly, he was so ashamed of it. But there was only one answer Sebastian could give.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I guess.”

So, it was more serious than Joseph had anticipated.

“Though, at the moment,” Sebastian continued, “I mostly would like to – hold you.”

Sinking into Joseph’s arms would be nice. Or just wrapping his own arms around him.

Especially after that nightmare of his -

The image of Myra – a living Myra was before his inner eye. How could he think of being with someone else, minutes after having that nightmare about her?!

Joseph warmed up a bit at Sebastian’s words; he often had dreamed of being in Sebastian’s arms, but all that was popping up in his head was the abuse Sebastian had been shouting at him some years ago - !

“Ah,” he sighed, “but – I don’t really want to do that, at least not at the moment -”

“Yeah,” Sebastian gulped, somehow glad Joseph hadn’t given in, “like I said, there’s no rush.”

It was still awkward for Joseph to imagine them – being together, so he had to grin a little at this. “You do realize that we would look quite the cliché as a couple?”

Folding his arms, Sebastian leaned back in his chair. “What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s you, the big, strong guy, and there’s me, the lean, smaller Asian guy, and guess who people would think of as ‘the woman’ in this relationship – hell, I even cooked today like a good mum would do.”

Somewhere back in his mind, Sebastian had been aware of these stereotypes, but hadn’t cared much about them.

“I just thought we had a great evening,” he scratched his jaw, “so – do you mind if people think like that?”

“No, I’m used to it, from former relationships with guys like you,” Joseph answered. “I wonder if _you_ will mind, though?”

“I – I haven’t really thought about anything like that -” It confused Sebastian to hear about Joseph's old love life with other men.

“And what about Lily?” Joseph interrupted him. “Would she mind? Would she even accept me? Us?”

Sebastian smiled, though unseen by Joseph. “She already told me that she would like to have you as a parent, and I’m sure she doesn’t mind taking some heat – she loves you very much, after all.”

Joseph sighed. “So, I could be her other daddy -”

Sebastian’s mouth widened to a big grin at this -

“But isn’t this too early, so soon after her mother’s death?” Joseph reminded him.

“I’m worried about that, too. But as you’ve seen this afternoon, she hardly talks about it. Her therapist hasn’t gone far either.”

“Hmm...”

His throat was still asking for that water, so Sebastian decided to call it a night. “Well, I originally just wanted to get something to drink – water, I mean.”

“Oh, sorry – I didn’t want to keep you. Good night, then.”

“Yeah, good night to you, too.”

Sebastian got up and was already half-way to the door, when he stopped in his tracks and walked over to Joseph; he couldn’t help but tuck him a bit more into the blanket.

“It’s getting colder now during night. Don’t want you to catch a cold,” Sebastian explained.

“Thanks,” Joseph mumbled shyly.

Quickly, Sebastian went out of the room, and threw a last glance at Joseph, before he left the door ajar.

\---

The Sunday before Lily going to school began in a calm and relaxed fashion, but became rather busy later in the evening.

They didn’t have any plans. Sebastian wanted to spend a nice day before he would ‘lose’ his daughter; years ago, he would have been so happy of Lily entering school, but after getting her back from hell, it was almost as if he would give her away again. And her first school day would certainly not be such a great occasion as Sebastian – and maybe Lily? – had originally imagined it.

Joseph would also miss her, not only because of the pleasant atmosphere she attributed to the household, and the times he could play and chat with her, but also because from tomorrow on – he would often be alone with Sebastian.

\---

After a lazy breakfast, some house chores and a nice lunch, the three went to the playground, letting Lily have a last leisure time with her playmates before the seriousness of life began for her; some of the other children would also become her classmates, as Sebastian had learned to know.

While Lily was playing, he and Joseph would watch her on a bench close-by. The two men were sitting next to each other, but awkwardly apart. Sebastian leaned back, his arms on the bench’s back rest, Joseph in a more stiffened pose.

Sebastian’s hand was rather close to Joseph’s shoulder, but the older man didn’t see much sense in trying to touch it; Joseph made it very clear that, despite their chat from last night, he wasn’t in for any kind of intimacy; Sebastian had hoped that this would get better, that Joseph would be more open for it -

But wait – hadn’t Sebastian himself often enough said that he didn’t want to rush things? And yet, he sometimes already wanted more… As if it hadn’t been terrible enough, years ago, when he had found out about his feelings for Joseph, Sebastian didn’t knew anymore what to feel or what to think about Joseph.

\---

Late afternoon, they returned home, and Sebastian only intended to have another relaxed evening, planning on what dinner to cook with what they still had in the kitchen.

Lily then crushed these plans by demanding to take a bath, to really shine tomorrow at school. And after the long bath, she needed what seemed to be hours to choose her outfit; of course she hardly cared anymore about the clothes they had bought the other day. Joseph patiently selected something with her, while Sebastian most of the time kept observing from the door frame, with a frown and crossed arms -

The younger man then scrambled up some speedy dinner for all three of them. After that, Lily went to bed, probably more out of fidget than because she wanted to be rested for the school.

Joseph and Sebastian still stayed awake to watch a movie and have a cup of tea together, though they didn’t change many words. Both were nervous because of Monday, Sebastian more so, but Joseph also decided to retreat as soon as the film had ended.

\---

The apartment turned still early that evening. Joseph had difficulties to sleep, not because of any nightmares, but rather because he was also edgy about the school day.

He had to get up after some hours of unsuccessful attempts to sleep. Despite having no bad dreams, Joseph had been plagued by Ruvik many times during the day, especially at the playground: the ghost had been towering behind the bench, behind Sebastian – there had been no better way for Joseph to react then sitting away from the other man… Apparently, Ruvik now would also be there even with Sebastian around.

That wasn’t the only thing bothering him. What had he been thinking when he had offered to come along to Lily’s first day at school?!

_They’ll all assume Sebastian and I are a couple - !_

Was Joseph embarrassed by people doing so? He wasn’t sure. It was just - the thought of being with Sebastian was still freaking him out. And perhaps it wasn’t really good for Lily having – two men as parents? How would that be perceived at her new school?

Wouldn’t that also mean that Joseph – and Sebastian, too – could come out to the department? Not something Joseph was exactly happy about – didn’t Sebastian mind at all!?

Damn this overthinking. And much like Sebastian last night, he had to stand up for a glass of water.

Joseph had to walk close to Lily’s room to the get to the stairs, and heard some whimpering, since the door wasn’t entirely closed.

He touched the door to open it and peeked into the room: thanks to the night light, and despite no glasses on his nose, Joseph could discern Lily sitting up in her bed, rubbing her eyes while sniffing.

“Hey, Lily,” he called out in a low voice, “you can’t sleep, either, huh?”

“Uncle Jo?” she hiccuped, “no, I can’t sleep.”

Joseph came into the room and went over to her bed. “You had a nightmare?”

Lily let her hands sink, shaking her head. “No, I am afraid because of tomorrow.”

“The school, huh – you’re probably quite excited.”

“I’m older than the other children! They think I’m stupid - “ She went back to wiping her tears away.

Sitting down on the bed, Joseph slung an arm around Lily’s small shoulders, tucking her head under his chin.

“You’re already friends with some of them,” he assured her, “you know, with the kids at the playground? I’m sure they’ll help you.”

Lily looked up at him. “You think so?”

“Yes, of course, you always were good with making friends.”

“I don’t know –” She hid her face in Joseph’s face.

Joseph gave her some moments to calm down, but it was really late.

“We both should go to sleep, tomorrow won’t be easy,” he said, “is there something I can do to help you sleep? I wanted to get some water, maybe I could warm up some milk for you -”

“I wanted to go and sleep in daddy’s bed, but -” she hesitated, “I don’t always want to run to him when I feel bad - “

Joseph scratched his chin. “Would you like to stay in my bed, then?”

Lily widened his eyes at him. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it is,” Joseph smiled at her, “don’t be afraid to ask me if you can sleep in my bed.”

He took her hand, and they both walked back to Joseph’s room. Lily laid down in his bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin.

“I’ll go to the kitchen to drink some water, okay?” Joseph informed her. “I’ll be back in a second.”

“Mh-mhh,” Lily agreed.

As Joseph had announced, he returned after some time, and then snuggled with Lily under the blankets.

This wasn’t the first time that godfather and godchild did this: when Joseph had been babysitting her, and the evening was rather late, he would let her sleep in his bed until her parents would arrive to pick her up; often, Joseph had lied next to her, his arms wrapped around her, since she was a bit anxious, not being in her own bed.

Later, when Lily had fallen asleep, Joseph had gotten up to tidy up the dinner plates, and had waited for Myra and Sebastian -

But tonight, Lily would stay in his bed. And Joseph would make sure that they both would get some sleep, despite feeling the child’s little heart fluttering like a bird.

“Good night,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

“Good night, uncle Jojo.”

Joseph monitored her, awaiting her to quiet down. Fortunately, Lily’s breathing slowed down, as well as her heart, and he finally was able let himself sink into sleep.

They hadn’t noticed that someone had followed them. Joseph had left the door a bit open, as he had done in the past while babysitting Lily; Sebastian was standing behind the door, smiling at them through the gap.

\---

The big morning came, and Lily woke up alone in Joseph’s bed.

Her father appeared in the frame of the room’s opened door. “Good morning, darling,” he smiled at her.

“Umph, good morning,” she grumbled, “my belly hurts, I don’t want to go.”

With a sigh, Sebastian moved to his daughter and patted her head. “It’s not even your first day at school, and you’re already coming up with excuses, you’re probably just hungry. Uncle Joseph’s making breakfast for us.”

“I don’t want to eat -”

“Lily, I know you are afraid, but – you’ve been through so much more in STEM, and yet you’re squeamish about school?”

For a few moments, Lily couldn’t answer. As if the day wasn’t exciting enough, why did Sebastian have to remind her of STEM?!

Tears were welling up in her eyes, and Sebastian noticed his mistake; he took Lily into his arms. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to remind you – I just wanted to tell you that you’ve been so brave the last few years. And you won’t be alone: the teacher will be there, and also some kids you already know from the playground – and of course Joseph and I.”

Lily kept her head hidden in her father’s shoulder, not sure how to handle the situation; everyone was trying to help her, and all she could do was whine and complain. Of course Lily was aware what that doctor had said to her father about her: that in her head, she wasn’t the right age, that she was even _behind_ other children in her head - That’s what infuriated her the most about herself.

Sebastian cradled Lily a bit, which gradually consoled her to stop crying. In the end, her father was right: she’s been through much worse.

“Hey, were are you?” Joseph entered the room, discovering the scene on his bed. “Oh - “

“Lily had a bit of trouble waking up, that’s all,” Sebastian replied.

“Uh-huh,” the girl wiped away the last tears, “I’m okay, just tired.”

Joseph quirked a brow if this was entirely true, but decided to play along. “Alright then, breakfast’s ready, come down.”

\---

They didn’t have to get to the school early, so they were quite lazy with the rich breakfast Joseph had made for them.

The tension remained with Lily, though it become more manageable for her over the meal. After an hour, she put her neat clothes on and strapped her school bag, another gift from Juli and Tatiana together, over her shoulders; her father and Joseph had already been properly dressed for the occasion before she had got up.

Lily needed her time for all of this, and they finally walked to the school, since it wasn’t far off from their apartment. Just like on their shopping tour, the little girl in the middle, one hand in her father’s, the other in her godfather’s – only today, Lily had her lips pressed tightly together.

After arriving at the Krimson City Elementary School – the main elementary in town – they had a short appointment with the principal, who eyed the two men curiously at first, but welcomed Lily nevertheless.

Someone knocked at the door to the principal’s office; a lady in her forties entered the room, and introduced herself as Lily’s class room teacher; she had come to pick up Lily.

“Can my daddy and uncle come, too?” Lily asked.

The teacher also looked a bit – skeptically at the two men; Lily was sitting in between them, all three opposite from the principal’s desk. “Well, yes, but only for a couple of minutes,” she replied.

While going to the class room, Lily again reached for Sebastian’s hand, squeezing it harder than earlier; Sebastian just went along in understanding.

They were led into the room, and the teacher told Joseph and Sebastian politely to wait at the door, but still inside. She and the little girl then stood in front of the class, the blackboard behind them.

“Class,” the teacher began, “this is your new classmate Lily Castellanos. And these are her father and – ehm -”

“Godfather,” Joseph completed, crossing his arms.

“Her godfather.” She smiled insecurely. “Please be kind to her so that she can settle in easily. We reserved a place for you in the second row.”

Lily gulped, her head turned towards her father and Joseph, anxiety in her eyes; Sebastian nodded at her, while the younger man smiled at her, though worried, but he didn’t want to show it.

That was at least encouraging enough to move her head back to the other children. She was almost holding her breath when a girl sitting at the table next to the empty one for her beckoned to her; it was one of her friends from the playground.

Exhaling, she trotted there, grasping to the straps of her bag, and sat down at her table.

“I think we can take it from here on,” the teacher said to the two men.

“Alright, sweetheart, till later,” Sebastian waved at her.

“Have fun,” Joseph added, opening the door, so that he and Sebastian could leave.

\---

Outside the building, Sebastian and Joseph stayed on the school yard, sitting on a bench, before they would go about their daily chores.

Joseph watched the building. “You think she will be okay?”

“She should,” Sebastian answered, “there aren’t many elementary schools in Krimson City, and this one’s the closest to home.” He wanted his daughter to be as close as possible.

The other man gave Sebastian a concerned look.

“And besides that,” the older man cleared his throat, “you also helped her a lot during the night, so I guess she’ll be fine.”

“Maybe I should have asked you if it’s okay for her to sleep in my bed -” Now in hindsight, it must appear awkward to have done this.

Sebastian hesitated a bit, but then placed his hand on Joseph’s.

Perplexed, the hand underneath his own twitched a little, and Joseph stared at the situation on his thigh.

“I’m totally okay with it,” Sebastian said, “she already sees you as a parent, I told you. And I remember that you did this when you were babysitting her.”

At first, Joseph had intended to take his hand away, but Sebastian really just seemed to show his appreciation for him taking care of Lily’s worries.

And though he felt a bit uncomfortable by the touch, Joseph also kind of liked it; at least today, he was in a somewhat stable mood, so Sebastian didn’t just do this to stop his tantrum.

“You’re welcome,” he replied shyly, still not able to meet Sebastian’s eyes.

Suddenly, Sebastian’s cell phone rang.

“Shit,” he mumbled, retreating his hand to search for the phone in his pockets; just when they both appeared to have enjoyed their little moment -

He found the phone and checked the number calling him, not recognizing it. Nevertheless, Sebastian accepted the call.

“Castellanos here,” he frowned. The call went on for a few minutes, and his face began to lighten up while at the phone. He spoke about a time and date, and finally finished the call.

“Good news?” Joseph assumed.

“I have an interview on Thursday for the police school job,” Sebastian grinned at him.

“Congratulations,” Joseph replied, now facing him, “fitting the day, I guess. Although it’s still weird to imagine you as a teacher.”

“Well, I taught you and Juli a lot of things, right?”

Joseph didn’t answer immediately, becoming rather pensive; he remembered the first weeks and months, how the older detective had shown him the ropes, just as he did later with Juli.

Sebastian got impatient. “Or didn’t I?“

“Sure you did,” Joseph assured him in the end, “but you also wanted to teach us – rather crooky things about police work – I hope you won’t do that at the school - ?” He stared at Sebastian in a challenging manner.

“Oh, that -” Sebastian scratched the back of his head, grimacing. “Well, first, I have to get the job, and then, somehow get into it - “

Joseph quirked a brow challengingly.

“Yeah, I know what you mean – I’ll try to better myself in that matter,” Sebastian declared; Joseph had often tried to stop him to use any dirty police tricks so that he had to keep doing them in secret. But of course, Joseph was right, he couldn’t continue like this if he meant to be serious with being a role-model for his daughter.

That was more than Joseph could wish for, so crossing his arms, he just gave a quiet huff and a square look at Sebastian.

“And speaking of interviews,” Joseph changed the topic, “I would like to talk to our chief.”

“We can go to the department tomorrow, if you like.”

Joseph’s body tensed. “Do we really have to go there? Can’t the chief just – visit us?”

“You still don’t want to see anyone?”

“No – I mean, I want to, but -” Joseph rubbed his palms on his thighs, fidgeting for words.

Sebastian suddenly remembered how the chief was expecting an invitation to a wedding; he had almost forgotten that there were rumors about them, and how embarrassing it would be for Joseph if everyone would peel out their eyes when he turned up at the KCPD -

“Alright,” he reconsidered, “I ask the chief to come for dinner.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I'm not updating so frequently/often anymore. I used to be able to write during week-days, but that's not possible anymore, so I can only write on weekends and holidays.

Joseph pulled up the sleeve of his jacket and looked at his watch; for fifteen minutes now, he was waiting for a detective to take part in the bloody task behind him in the bar, Connelly inside still attending to the bar’s owner, while some back-up took care of the gawpers, the yellow tape, and leading the witnesses outside -

Theoretically, Joseph _could_ do this on his own: when he had finished college, he had applied for a junior detective job at the KCPD, preferably in homicide, but the chief had had other plans for him.

“I’m sorry to call you here under false premises,” she had said jokingly, “but I can’t really offer you a post as detective, because we don’t have a vacant one currently. But we are in need of uniformed officers on the street, so I’d be glad if you could consider that, until I have an opening for you -”

Well, it had been better than nothing, so Joseph had taken the opportunity, and after having already been at two or three murder scenes, he now considered the uniform job to be a blessing in disguise.

Finally, a car with mute, but alight sirens halted in front of the bar; a tall man with dark hair – rather attractive, in Joseph’s eyes – came out of the car and greeted some of the other officers present. He then lifted the tape and approached him.

“Officer Oda?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“My name’s Sebastian Castellanos,” the detective stretched out his hand, and Joseph took it to shake it, “you’re the new one, right? On the beat for a few weeks?”

“Yep.”

Castellanos tilted his head, not uttering anything for some moments. “You okay? Is this your first murder scene?”

“Ehm,” Joseph harrumphed, “no, but – I’d rather stay outside.”

Some more silence from Castellanos. “It’d be better if you’d get used to it very quick if you want to become a detective.”

Apparently, news about newbies ran very fast in this department. “I know, I know,” Joseph sighed, “but I wanted to avoid vomiting next to the body.”

The other man chuckled – and Joseph actually liked it.“Alright, so you’re very considerate,” Castellanos said, “but if you were my partner, I would kick your ass inside. So, what happened here?”

Frowning, Joseph had to smile inwards thinking of maybe becoming Castellanos’ partner - ?

He regained his composure. “We were called for a bar brawl, but before we arrived here, one man was shot dead, and it turned out that this man belongs to a local gang of some sort, according to Connelly, my partner.”

“Obviously, since this bar is frequented by the Italian mob,” Castellanos replied, “they’re taking each other out again -”

_Wow._ Joseph fluttered his eyelids. He had already known Castellanos, though only from seeing him from afar, or hearing rumors about him, and it seemed that the rumors were true: he probably had solved this murder in a matter of seconds.

And Joseph was still a bit baffled by how – compassionate the detective was about his predicament -

Castellanos went past Joseph. “Okay, let’s get over this. Come at least inside, Oda, even if it’s just at the door.”

\---

Sebastian greeted Oda’s colleague after walking into into the bar. “Hello, Connelly.”

The addressed had been talking to the owner of the bar, but turned around quickly at hearing his name. “Ah, Castellanos, so they sent _you_ here -”

“What, you’re not glad to see me?”

“Of course I am! With you, this case should be solved in no time - “

The detective smiled wryly at this compliment; he had this rank for only a few months, but already had the highest solving rate of the KCPD.

No one needed to know how he really had solved _some_ of the murders -

“Where’s Hanson?” Connelly asked.

“Called in sick,” Sebastian answered, crouching over the body, “and she’s not the only one, so I’m working alone today.”

It made him sad that Myra was sick; though aware that he shouldn’t feel too attached to her, Sebastian couldn’t help himself but worry about her. If possible, he would give her a call in the evening, or maybe even visit her? But wouldn’t that all be too much?

He shook Myra out of his mind, examining the body in front of him; the bullets had went through the man’s chest, so Sebastian recognized the face, he had seen it several times on mug shots. The victim here had so many enemies – and therefore, it would be difficult to find the killer, probably a hitman.

“When had you been called here?” he inquired.

“About, eh, 20 minutes ago?” Connelly answered, “Maybe less?”

“Phew,” Sebastian whistled. Considering how good the crime scene was preserved, how fast the back-up had been here, the crime scene tape had been set up, the witnesses had been led out, the fact that a detective was already here – and all of this in the chaotic hustle of a mob murder.

“How come so much stuff was already organized? You know, the back up, I, etc.” Sebastian wanted to know.

“That was Oda,” Connelly nodded at the young man, “wants to do _everything_ by the book. No, wait – better than the book. I dare say a typical Asian -”

“Wouldn’t be the worst idea to adopt some of this behavior -”

Sebastian got up and looked at Oda: the officer stood next to the opened entrance door, his hands behind his back, and a serious face.

Somehow, Sebastian began to like this face -

He crossed over the mess in the bar to Oda. “I’ve heard you took care of the organization here, very neat.”

“Well,” Oda folded his arms, avoiding Sebastian’s eyes, “I try to be as useful as possible.”

“I do appreciate this kind of work, because I myself am terrible at this,” Sebastian admitted, and fished out his business card. “It makes the investigation much easier.”

Handing it over to Oda, he added: “I’m looking forward to work with you. Call me first if you’re at a murder scene again, and I’ll try to come over.”

Oda read the card, a bit stunned. “Eh, thanks, I guess.”

With a bright smile, Sebastian returned to Connelly and the victim.

***

Still in his pajamas, Joseph was sitting on his bed, staring at his hands. His depression had worsened the last two weeks; since Lily had started to go to school, the atmosphere in the flat had shifted, had become more sober and routine.

Joseph hadn’t been idle, though; Sebastian had managed to bring their chief to a nice evening dinner.

“It’s so good see you again, Oda,” she had greeted him with a sad smile.

So after this evening, Joseph was on the department’s paylist again, but the chief had granted him infinite vacation to get better and think about his future.

Another task was his bank account: Joseph had been quite stunned that nothing had happened to it, and his money and savings had been left untouched.

“I didn’t – have the mind to take care of it,” Sebastian apologized, “I was busy with drinking, as you might know – plus, I didn’t have a death certificate for you, or any other kind of authority over your account, so what should I have done?”

There wasn’t much Joseph wanted to do with his money: a cell phone, a laptop, some additional clothes and a haircut – and paying what he owed to Sebastian. He had also insisted to pay half of the rent; at first, Sebastian had refused that, but then didn’t want to make Joseph bad about it. And, somewhere in his mind, Sebastian was grateful to not shoulder the rent by himself, despite Myra’s money; he could use the money now for Lily’s education later.

Things would also begin to change for Sebastian: though something of a no-brainer, he had gotten the job at the police college, starting on the first of next month. He had actually convinced Joseph and Lily to go out to a restaurant to celebrate this, so Joseph bought himself some rather elegant clothes for himself for this occasion.

It had been difficult for Joseph to be ‘in public’ again, and Lily, too, had appeared rather uneasy at the Italian restaurant Sebastian often would bring take-outs home. In the end, godfather and goddaughter had silently agreed to pull themselves together so that Sebastian could enjoy his success, considering that he would always put the two of them first, and himself last -

Although Joseph always kept an eye on the wine bottle next to Sebastian’s glass.

All these new developments had exhausted Joseph somehow. He managed to get up in the morning and accompany Lily to school and pick her up again, and inbetween would just fall back into bed, or collapse on the couch, watching nothing on TV.

Today was Saturday, so Joseph had slept in. He dragged himself to the bathroom – Lily watched her cartoons, Sebastian was rummaging in the kitchen – and closed himself in to lean over the sink to gaze at himself in the mirror.

He stayed like this for a while. Not only did Joseph worry a lot about his future – he couldn’t work as a homicide detective anymore, that was sure -, he also didn’t like his face much. Recently, although he had gotten back to his old weight, his body didn’t feel as if it was his own -

_All the time, you think you are dead, and suddenly, you wake up and are three years older -_

Of course, Joseph _knew_ what had happened to him – but it still bothered him _how_ all of this had happened.

And finally, he had confessed to his therapist that he was seeing Ruvik everywhere he was. It had gotten worse since Lily’s first day at school, and Joseph now covered his face so that he couldn’t spot him again besides him in the mirror. His therapist had been bamboozled by these visions, since Joseph had seemed to be clear of them, unlike other patients he was taking care of and who also had been in STEM; he recommended Joseph to come back to the hospital for observation, because he also had noticed the bad shape his patient was in, but said patient didn’t want to leave Lily and Sebastian –

He didn’t want to be alone.

\---

It was Tuesday, the third week of Lily being in school.

Sebastian brought two mugs of green tea to the living room; Joseph was slumped in the sofa there after bringing Lily to school, zapping around, as he had often done the past weeks.

Placing one of the mugs on the table in front of Joseph, the younger man actually stirred.

“You haven’t done tea in a while,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian replied, “I was busy with the new job, paper work, meet my new colleagues -” He sat down.

Joseph got the mug, leaning forward now; the tea was still hot, so he cautiously puffed on it.

Sebastian did the same, taking some pensive sips every now and then. “You’re always doing this,” he began.

“ _What_ am I doing?” Joseph drank some tea.

“You bring Lily to school, bring her back, take care of the household – and I’m really thankful for that, but it appears – you aren’t well lately, right?“

“Oh, you noticed that,” was the dry answer.

“Is there anything I can do for you? Help you somehow?” Sebastian turned his mug in his hands. “I just want you to get your life back, to enjoy yourself. You always had so many books, DVDs, even a game console – don’t you want to start your hobbies again?”

Good old Sebastian, trying to cheer Joseph up for quite some time now. “I lost all of this, it was all in my old flat,” Joseph said, “I probably would have to buy all that stuff again – and just to think of it: I played games I had to shoot zombies, I never imagined that this would happen to me in reality, or that I would _become_ a zombie – although STEM was something like a game, a virtual reality -”

“You don’t have to get the scary games back, if it disturbs you too much.”

“I’m not really in the mood for my old hobbies,” Joseph gulped the rest of his tea down, hoping that this would end this discussion.

But Sebastian didn’t want to give up so easily. “Then how about going out after you brought Lily to school? How about going out for lunch or to a museum, or watch a movie - ?”

Joseph scrunched his face towards Sebastian, not sure how to word what he had in his mind. “Are you – asking me out on a date?!”

_Oh, boy._ Sebastian’s eyes widened, fluttering his lids in somewhat of embarrassment; _dating_ was certainly not what he had intended, not used to it since Myra, not with a man he knew for such a long time, but -

He mustered all his courage to place his hand on Joseph’s. “If that’s how you want to see it, then yes.”

Again, Joseph’s hand had been on his own thigh; but this time, Joseph looked down on it for one or two seconds, and then shook Sebastian’s hand off.

And began chuckling, his laughter growing more and more into a loud roaring -

“AHAHA!” Joseph put his hand on his forehead, arching his back. “Going out? _With you?!_ Hahaaa-!”

“Joseph - !”

Some tears were streaming down Joseph’s cheeks, and he stood up from the sofa, still laughing. “This is really too much - !”

He moved towards the small staircase, holding his belly, and climbed up to his room, leaving a stupefied Sebastian back in the living room -

The older man swallowed hard, frustration in his eyes. He grappled his knees, focusing on the tea mugs in front of him.

\---

How many times had Joseph done this now, hiding in his room, curled up in his bed, staring at the wall?

More importantly, why was the thought of going out on a date with Sebastian so ridiculous to him?!

Ruvik, that burned bastard, was hovering over him, presenting that smug and ugly smirk of his; this round went to him, another one -

On the one hand, a date with the other man warmed Joseph up on the inside; again, it was something he had never dared to dream about.

What would it be like? Sebastian didn’t seem like the guy for candle-light-dinners – not that Joseph was interested in them – , but then Joseph had never seen him on a date with Myra. A stroll through a museum should also be unlikely – although Sebastian had surprised him a few times recently. Going to the movies was the most probable thing to do for them -

But again, the bad memories crept up, thanks to Ruvik.

The fights – Joseph touched his throat; he could still feel the tension between him and Sebastian from back then, or even that one time, when Sebastian pushed him against the wall on the scruff of his neck, almost strangling him.

And the booze, Sebastian’s breath _reeking_ so disgustingly of beer and whiskey, or both, and mostly mixed with tobacco – Joseph had the smell of it in his nose, and for some reason now more than ever.

Joseph exhaled, tears shining in his eyes from the pain he sensed from remembering these things. They were still so real to him, just as Ruvik, and the idea of having a date with Sebastian was so alien, almost wrong -

Laughing at Sebastian, though, that had been too much, Joseph was aware of that.

He clenched his jaw, trying to hinder the tears to come out. Despite all the failures on getting closer to Joseph, Sebastian still tried to do so. Why couldn’t he just give himself into a relationship with him?!

Hell, if Joseph really wanted to, he could go to Sebastian and have sex with him right away - ! The other man had said he would like to do that, and though Joseph was sure it would baffle him a lot at first – Sebastian wouldn’t disagree in the end, Joseph was sure about that, too.

That was another thing that bothered Joseph with the whole dating. As much as the thought of it unsettled him, he now spent so much time with Sebastian anyway, and without the drinking and the arguing – well, at least without the drink – , his longing for the older man had become stronger and stronger. The chance was there, finally, after all these years of hopelessness and desolation -

In the midst of his emotional tornado, Joseph didn’t want to forget to apologize to Sebastian for the laughter. He had the impulse to stand up and apologize, but – he cringed, too embarrassed by himself.

Plus Ruvik was hindering his way to get up from bed.

\---

Joseph stayed in his room all day. Sebastian went to get Lily from school and brought her to her therapist, and later, back at home, left Joseph some food at the door for dinner; it was still untouched when Sebastian found it before entering his own bedroom.

The next day, the atmosphere in the flat was gloomy and oppressive. None of them really talked during breakfast, or when Lily walked to school with her father, together with Joseph, who then had his appointment with his therapist -

“I’ll wait for you,” Sebastian said when Joseph entered the hospital.

Shrugging, Joseph answered: “You don’t have to.” He disappeared into his shrink’s practice.

Nevertheless, Sebastian flopped into one of the seats in the hospital’s waiting room close-by. He had carried along some material in his jacket pocket for his future job with him to read, but he basically just didn’t want to leave Joseph on his own.

And somehow, he also didn’t want to be alone – even when Joseph wasn’t around right now, or showing him the cold shoulder. Lily’s pick-up from the _her_ therapist yesterday had been a tad bit too much for him; hopefully, it would be a bit better with Joseph.

After an hour, Sebastian didn’t saw Joseph approaching him, until he heard Joseph’s voice: “You actually brought your job stuff here?”

“Hm?” Only now, Sebastian looked up at the other man, so immersed in his papers. “Oh, there’s no difference for me if I read at home or here.”

There was something odd about Sebastian in Joseph’s eyes. “Wait – did you stay here because of that date you asked me about?” Joseph quirked a brow.

Caught off guard, Sebastian only stood up from his chair, but he braced himself for the next drama. “No, no, I didn’t think about _that,_ ” he waved both his hands, palms toward Joseph, in defense, “I don’t have time today.” He put his job material back into the pocket. “I mean, I would have made my appointment at the police school for today another time if you would have told me you wanted us to go out - “

“No, I didn’t want us to go out - !”

“Well, I,” Sebastian gulped, “anyways, I have to make some groceries before that appointment. Would you like to come with me or go home?”

_Still a_ _date,_ _I guess_ _._ Joseph remembered that he hadn’t gone with Sebastian for groceries since that time at the Asian store. And because he didn’t have anything else to do – except trying to forget about Ruvik – “Alright, I come along.”

At the store’s dairy department, Joseph also offered: “I’ll pick up Lily later.”

“You sure?” Sebastian grabbed a pack of milk.

“Yeah, I don’t want to leave you hanging again,” Joseph tried a sort of apology. “Yesterday, she had to go to her shrink, but today, she doesn’t have to go, right?” Sometimes, this therapist had requested more than one session per week with the child.

Sebastian let the milk fall more audible than necessary into their cart. “No, she doesn’t have an appointment,” he answered, pushing the cart to get the next item on their shopping list.

Perplexed, Joseph stood behind for a moment, and watched how Sebastian was searching something at the aisle besides him.

\---

Just as announced, Joseph picked up his goddaughter from school in the afternoon. If the weather would permit, they stayed at the playground for a half hour, and today the weather luckily was on their side, though it was clouded.

They played at the slide for a while, until they moved on to the swing. A few other children were there, too, and their parents – mostly moms – watched Joseph and Lily rather amused.

Joseph gripped one of the sling’s chains, but let the girl otherwise swing as much as she wanted for some minutes.

“I think we have to go home, Lily,” Joseph finally declared.

“Awww, only a few minutes more, uncle Jojo!”

“Your father is waiting for us.” _Don’t want him to worry too much._ “And you surely have to do some homework.”

“Ooph - “ Lily hopped off the sling, but demanded to hold Joseph’s hand while walking home.

“So,” Joseph began after they exited the playground, “are you angry with your daddy? He seems to be upset about something, or about you?”

Lily pressed her lips together and looked down on the path in front of her, but answered after some moments: “I don’t want to go to this talk doctor anymore.”

“Hmm. Would you like to tell me why?”

Some silence again before a reply: “She always asked me about mommy.”

“And you don’t want to talk about her, right?”

“Mh-hmm.”

“Okay.” There was probably no point right now to push Lily about her mother.

“And she said,” now Lily stopped, “she said that -” she looked straight up into Joseph’s face, “it’s not okay that you and daddy are together.”

“Oh.” Was a therapist supposed to say something like that? “Well, we’re not really -”

“She said that it’s not okay that daddy wants to be with a man after being married with a woman.”

“Why would she say that?”

“She said something like – it wouldn’t look good when other people find out about it. Is that a problem? When two men are married? Sarah, a girl in my class, has two moms, and they are also married.”

Perhaps she was confusing a few things here. “I don’t like what your therapist told you but – sometimes it – bothers other people when two men are together, or even married.”

That was mildly said; they were lucky to be in the right state to be able to marry, if they wanted to, but it wasn’t the same in other states. So Joseph added: “In other places it bothers people so much, that a woman can’t marry a woman, a man can’t marry a man.”

“That’s really stupid,” Lily shook her head.

“Yes, it is, although it’s changing slowly -”

“You love daddy, right?” Lily suddenly inquired.

Joseph blinked a bit embarrassed. “Well, yes, I think you can say so.” He blushed slightly; what a weird time to discuss this matter, but he wondered how Lily thought about these things anyway, since he had only heard about them via Sebastian, and he didn’t want to stop her train of thought.

“Does that mean that you don’t like girls?”

“I -“ How should he explain that? “I like both – boys _and_ girls.”

“Dad loves you very much.”

“Ah.” She wasn’t revealing anything new to him by that, but Joseph cheeks still felt a bit warmer.

“You think he also likes boys and girls?”

“Oh, I don’t know - “ Maybe it was better if Sebastian had this discussion with his daughter?!

The girl went quiet for a moment. “Are you still angry with daddy?”

“Huh,” Joseph reacted, “of course you understood this, considering how I behaved since I moved into your flat -”

“Daddy told me that you and him were fighting a lot when I was with the evil people,” Lily explained, “because daddy had too much beer and was always so fuzzy in his head.”

“Yes – yes, that’s true,” Joseph gulped, “we were both very sad and angry when you were gone.”

“Why?”

Taking a deep breath, Joseph considered his answer. “Your father found out about Mobius, you know, the evil people. He had discovered _they_ had set your old house on fire and killed you, he didn’t knew that you were still alive, and I – I didn’t believe him.” He squeezed Lily’s hand a bit more, but was careful to not hurt her. “Nobody believed him, and I often told him that – that he should stop looking for these people, and move on with his life.” _Move on with me._ “Of course he was angry with me because – I had left him alone with that, and he – well, he got angry with me and said mean things to me, and then _I_ got angry with him -”

“Uh-huh.” Lily gazed down at her shoes. “So, you don’t want to marry daddy?”

“Lily,” Joseph now crouched down in concern on his goddaughter’s level, holding both her hands, “it’s difficult for your father and me, because of all the things that happened before he found you again. It’s too early for these things, and I can’t give you an answer to this, and maybe even your father can’t answer you that.”

“Oh,” Lily huffed.

“And what about your mother?” His goddaughter got an angry expression on her face. “Yes, you don’t want to talk about her, but she died only some time ago, and your former talk doctor was probably right – it might look weird if your father is already with somebody else, especially with a man.”

“Because it can – bother people?”

“Yes.”

“But - “ Lily looked again into Joseph’s eyes, “but I want you and daddy to be together, and to marry, so that I can have two daddies -”

What should Joseph say now? He tried to remain on the topic of Myra. “I just asked you about your mother, Lily.”

The child was visibly fidgeting in her mind for words, until she finally squeezed Joseph’s hands back: “Mommy is in heaven now and watches over all three of us. Aunt Juli told me that mommy kept you and daddy safe in STEM, why else would she do that if she didn’t want you and daddy to be together?”

“Lily - !”

That moment, some heavy rain drops landed on their heads.

Joseph stood upright again, keeping Lily’s hand in his own. “Come on, we’ll talk about this another time. Your father is waiting for us.”

\---

To be continued...


End file.
